"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Whackadoo (Noun) - a dance done mostly by immature, childish individuals suffering from various forms of psychosis. Moves of this dance include: going around in circles; sidestepping, and other various illogical, indecipherable displays of mania.
I think Chubby Checker did the lyrics to the accompanying song.....
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thursday, SO stayed at hotel Friday, I left before he got home & went to his mom's before the snow came & I was trapped here. Sunday, came back, SO is in pain from a "hurt back". Had a concert to work last night; took a bag, figured he wasn't coming home.
Woke up this morning to no SO on air. Checked email and had a text from 11:49 last night saying he was going to ER, has glass in his eye from accident.
(I find this interesting. Yesterday, he was complaining he's out of painkillers, now a trip to hospital. Coincidence?)
Anyway, no word from him until 11 today texting that he's got an eye doctor appointment at 2. I reminded him he has a shrink appt at 12. He texted me to cancel it for him. I texted back with "Personally I think you should go to the appt. 555-1234 if you want to cancel." His response was "I cannot see or else I would go."
OK, now he's called. Said there's a shard of glass embedded in his eyelid and it started to come out and scratch his eyeball. And that he has an appointment with the eye surgeon at 2. Says he's staying in the hotel until tomorrow. Also remarked they gave him a shot of demerol at the ER. (OK, so I don't know whether to doubt how bad the eye is, but, jeez, conveniently timed to the running out of his painkillers. Jiminy crickets. )
I kept my tone neutral, answers brief. No questions, nor did I bring up shrink appt. I'm assuming someone is with him, as he indicated that his eye is patched and he can't see. So, someone has to be driving him to the appointment & back. But, I did not ask or even refer to it. None of my business. Neither is cancelling the psychiatrist appointment. As far as I'm concerned, I gave him the info & the number. It's up to him what he does with it.
This morning I also scheduled appointments with the lawyers. One, the Law guardian for the kids is meeting with them this Thursday and a tele-conference with the Custody/Support Lawyer on 3/27. This is all getting very confusing.
Also got a call from a friend - he spoke with someone who has an apartment for rent. I may go see it this weekend. I just don't know what to do. It being (almost) April, do I pull the kids out of school this close to the end of the year? Or, do I try to have SO removed from this house and stay until the end of the school year? At this point, I can't reside with him much longer. The whole situation has gone beyond difficult. Question I need to ask the lawyer, I suppose. It's the biggest one on my mind. What to do, what to do.
The delay is so frustrating!!!! I want to go kick their butts and make them help you out sooner!!!! GRRRRR.
Is there anyway you can get on a waiting list for the second lawyer to meet sooner?, Is it possible to explain the urgency of the situation and get at least an intial consult? It isn't time to be coy about this stuff... Maybe you could just go camp out in the office until they see you.
Have you been in contact with a shelter at all? It would be good to at least know the scoop there, and they may have a L that you can talk to briefly while you wait for the court-appointed one to become available.
(((((((NM)))))))) As for the kids and school, is there another option? I know on hotwire, you can usually get an extended stay hotel room with kitchen, etc, for around $30 a night. Maybe you could do that for a couple of months. Although, I'm sort of with Ellie about thinking that when you leave, you should go someplace where SO can't find you until you know he is stable. Separation from you is going to hit him hard and you truly cannot predict how he will react.
I rather doubt the glass in his eye is a ploy to get drugs - I've seen all the ploys, believe me, and that would be a new one! It does hurt like the dickens, too.
Why would moving to the apartment mean the kids had to leave school - is it too far away to drive them back for the rest of the semester?
Ellie, to clarify - until I personally SEE with my own two eyes that there is indeed something wrong with SO, I doubt every word he says. I have been on the receiving end of too much deception, witnessed him doctoring prescription refills, lying to doctors to get painkillers, etc, that until I see for myself that what he is telling me is the "truth" - until then, I don't believe him. That's pretty sad, huh? I've just seen way too much to be able to believe his word like you would with a normal person. There's always something more to the story that he usually omits.
Anyway - the town we live in. Um, RURAL! Two stoplights, one no-tell motel on the "main" drag - visible to SO. I wouldn't let my pet cockroach stay there, let alone me & my 3 kids. We are 35-40 miles, in any direction, from the nearest large town. The closest Walmart is 30 miles away!! We are in the WOODS. Literally. He drives one hour, 45 miles, over a mountain range to work every day. No extend stay motels, not much of anything, really.
My moving out means moving back to my hometown area. 55 miles Northwest from here. Both his and my families are there. There's 12 people (Adults - between both of our families) that are within 15 miles of each other and able to assist me with the kids. There is nothing here for me in this town. Nor is there anything for me in any of the larger towns around here. I do not know anyone locally, except for the town where he works (we used to live there). And, that town is not affordable to live in. It's the whole reason why we bought this house way out here in the woods. We couldn't afford anything near his work.
I will not move out into a place local again. Look what happened back in October when I did that. He was there EVERY NIGHT. I need to be away from him. The distance, the hour between us - makes me more comfortable knowing that he won't just show up all the time. He won't be able to. I fear that unless I put as much distance between us as I possibly can, I will only succumb to his manipulations like I always do.
Putting this all behind me is going to take enormous strength. And, the last 2 years has weakened me. He is an emotional vampire that has sucked so much out of me, I don't have much strength left inside to do what needs to be done.
I do not want to live like this anymore. Limbo is one thing; but this is NOT limbo. He has no boundaries of his own; therefore, he cannot respect or understand MY boundaries. And that's part of his disorder.
I have 3 kids that need my care. When he's here, I cannot just go to my bedroom and avoid him. Our house isn't set up that way. Normal DB practice does not work in this scenario.
Ya know, I'm sorry to say that I still love this man. I have compassion for what he's going through. Detachment has allowed me to look past things; reading about mental disorders has given me some knowledge on how to deal with him. I would do anything to salvage our relationship. Including leaving. I see his confusion, can literally feel it emanating off of him at times it's so blatant.
But I'm tired. My girls need me. And I need to get out. I need to save myself before I get even more lost in all of this. If our leaving helps him get better, no matter what happens between him & I personally, then for that I will be a happier person.
