No, he hasn't filed yet - I honestly don't think he will. He's too confused right now, and he's not so much the "paperwork" man, so I think for him to go and start the process would be a bit intimidating for him. I'm not saying he won't do it - I could be totally wrong. But it's not as if he's "intent" on leaving me. He's left the door open, for both me and OW unfortunately... Until he closes my door, I'm going to keep my foot in it!
Okay - freaking out a bit here... I'm sure that you meant that you were sorry about the things H has said to me, right? Because I read that line, and I'm thinking, "Holy crap, is my H writing this?" meaning that my H had written your posts and that he was sorry that I had to read all of that from him...
Thanks, Just Me. I appreciate your insights and encouragement. I hope I don't have to go down the road you did as far as a D in order to get things back together. I know you said it was for the best for you, and I'm glad for you for that. I just don't want to go through that - for the sake of us, our family, our friends, our business, etc.... Not my first choice. Too much pain for too many people versus if we can somehow piece this back together and only hurt ourselves, but learn from it and be better people because of it.
Sorry to hear about your situation but glad it appears to be hopeful now. Just remember, until you've been in the situation I'm in, you don't know what you would do... There are lots of people on this board who have partners who have had PA with OP, and they stuck in there, too. As Michele says, only YOU can decide where your limits are...
As far as our business, that is a hard one. At this point, I don't feel like I want to be with him as just a business partner if we aren't going to stay married and be a couple. It would just hurt too much. I've stated all of the reasons why in previous posts, so I won't go into it again here, but I just don't think I want to do that. That could change, but right now that's the way I feel. I think I would rather separate everything between us if necessary and then rebuild together if it would ever come to that. That feels like the right thing to do to me. But I don't even want to think about that right now. My hope and goal is for this all to work itself out...
Thanks again for your insights. Just keep some positive thoughts out there for me, okay?
MC...I don't know you whole situation...but you ask a good question...when faced with all they want $$$ wise will they see their way back....
There are several things that could happen...one is that they might realize it isn't "things" that make them truly happy...
or....the OP might feel used for their $$$ and dump them
or....the OP might start expecting more from them that they can't fulfill
or....the OP may just be a user and move on to greener grass
Then what???...well it is up to you...I don't feel that because my H's OW eventually gave up on him that he came back to me...he was on his own for atleast a year following the break-up...had he come right back...I might have questions...
Hang in there....she might figure out what she is giving up...you don't have to compete on the same level...
...a little disappointed in reading about the pizza on a plate and served with a napkin, as well as, the babycakes verbage that seems to inflate your low self-esteem...they are mere crumbs that are being thrown to you...that's all, just crumbs...
I was in your shoes and also in your husband's shoes, with the same husband. Did I call him sweet names, do things for him while I was having the affair...you bet...to throw him off specifically. They don't mean anything.
You mentioned earlier, that you found out from him that he did not want to be married to you...Tam, HELLO!!!...you found out about the affair last November...WTH do you think the affair means? It means, hey, I don't love you like I used to, so I found someone else that meets my needs, that I choose to sleep with - rather than come home to you...because of who you are now...I prefer being with that person, than being with you...
Reality check Tam...do you see how distorted your thinking is... if he just smiles at me, takes me to his parent's house, brings me lunch, etc.,...I know we'll be together...Tam, you are now taking apart his sentences, putting them under a microscope, looking for any "crumb" that will tell you he will come home. NO ONE knows if he ever will...but, keep focusing on him and not on you - the real problem - and another 5 months will pass by again, without any progress.
Tam, trust me, please - you have some serious issues to deal with...that require a therapist. Before you can even offer something to your husband, to come home, you need to fix the problem...you...you aren't ready to be a wife right now...you are not "whole"...in fact, you really don't like yourself much. What can you possibly offer? Another desperation show? A show of "how clingy can I become"? Until you repair your issues, he is not coming home.
Tam, I really like you - because I, do care that you salvage your marriage...but I literally cringe when I hear how little it takes to make you happy...your husband brought pizza, he said to you honey...is your self-esteem so low that this makes you happy? Tam, you need to get a backbone yourself.
I cannot stress enough...that it is you that prevents him from coming home...not new clothes, or old clothes, new hair style or not...it is your personality. If you can change only one thing about yourself...it would be your dysfunction...nothing else.
Your husband told you for two years before the affair, he was unhappy...you ignored it...he wasn't thrilled in making love to you because you weren't into it...and he is going to run back to you because...why? Your self-assured, confident persona?........ ....ummmmmmmmm, no.
Tam, listen - you don't know how much longer he is going to keep this temporary separation as it is...believe me, he probably has put a time frame on it...so, you need to get healthy first, then work on the marriage issues...but now - get a therapist, you can not heal without one...it's beyond your capabilities.
If you don't let him go he will leave on his own...that I can promise you...if you keep up with all these little devious tricks as to bringing him bills, talking about endless work issues just to "spend time with him" you will lose him...it is just that way that shows him how desperate you are, which = drowning in his mind...
Tambear...you are not at all in control of yourself...not at all. You are "grasping" at anything at all, any words, behaviors from him to assure you he will come back...again, this is what drove him away...you need something to hold onto because you are a very weak individual...you cannot survive on your own...
Tam, one word........honestly........THERAPY!!!
When you become strong, you will have the necessary tools to either win him back...or let him go permanently.
You have no other choice...
You know, if I could be you, in your frame...he would have been back by now...it's difficult to explain everthing over a computer screen...but, as usual...I want only the best for you...I am on your side, but I can't tell you it will work out for you...unless you help yourself and solve the problem...you...
Very clear perspective there 1210...I felt something reading Tam's email...but couldn't put my finger on it...I did think she was doing better handling things...cutting the conversation short, not looking up at him the minute he walks in...etc...
I also felt a bit to much anxiety...Tam, you are grasping at finding assurances from HIM...and I agree that is where you really need to stop...right now he can't GIVE YOU ANYTHING...you are the only one who can change you...he tried (or thinks he did)so now it is up to you...I agree a therapist would be helpful...not so much for your marriage as you...you need to deal with your issues on control, needs, self esteem....the marriage can never be anymore until you are well...
I haven't forgotten the pain, the raw pain, the not wanting to get out of bed each day....having to deal with my children in a positive way....my parents....just trying not to fall apart...but I did it...it has to be done...that is why everything fell apart....I wasn't who I needed to be and H certainly wasn't dealing with a full deck himself...2 weak individuals can't make a strong marriage...one well person can strengthen the marriage....that is where you need to be...
And as was stated...no guarantees about H....but the one guarantee you can have is that with therapy, hard work on your part....you can BE the WOMAN YOU NEED TO BE....no matter what!!!
Tam, I haven't been in a good place the past few days but I do know that DBing has made me a stronger, fuller person than I was before the "bomb". I have a whole list of GAL activities I have accomplished. It's really helped me be proud of me. If W wants a part of it, she's welcome to it but if not, I am still someone who has turned this Hell into a decent place to be. YOU CAN TO! Be good to you Tam, you sound like an incredible woman with alot going for you, now prove it to yourself. It might even win your M back too
You are probably saying to yourself 'geez, I was fine until MY HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR' and if you are - I totally get it.
Sometimes the most well meaning advice is perfectly correct, but a little bit too early to hear. If that's the case with what you are hearing at the moment - that's OK. It'll still be here when you read it again in a few months. It's absolutely OK to go through this at your own pace.
There are some people over on the MLC forum who've been at this for over a year and still wouldn't be able to cope with some of the advice you've been given here - so you have obviously got the respect of some experienced posters when they believe you are ready to hear them.
The economist in me thinks of this as a simple matter of information asymmetry - we don't know what we don't know. We didn't know we had this dependence/low self esteem/need for approval thing before this marriage crisis hit because all our needs were met by our partner. Now that we do know we have an issue, we have to find out what it is and how to deal with it.
We go from being fine - a functioning adult human being, to being an emotional cripple with heaps of work to do on ourselves!! You know, some people never have this opportunity - and go through life absolutely unaware.
You might have seen literature around the "unexamined vs conscious life" or "living deliberately" - that’s what you have the opportunity to learn to do now and that is a great thing because it will open you up to so much more in your future than you would otherwise have had available to you.
I'm looking forward to how you react when you start seeing an individual therapist, because I think you'll start to cotton onto what I mean quite quickly then.
Sleep well my friend. You are doing a great job and you are learning and growing all the time. I think you've come an enormous distance since last November when you were kinda in denial ... You are winning ...
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thank you all so much for your advice and tough love today. I read everyone but Virginia's post about 3 hours ago and needed to just not respond right away and step away for a while to reflect...
I just got back to the computer to sit down to respond and saw Virginia's post and am now in belly wrenching tears - literally. I'll have to tell you why later, as I can't bring myself to write anymore right now, but suffice it to say for tonight, Virginia, that I have not only one but two silicone bracelets on my wrist as I'm writing this that say "Living Deliberately"... That's all I can bring myself to write for now - must calm down to get some sleep. But don't worry about me, as these are good, having a breakthrough moment tears... Will expand more tomorrow. Thank you all for your heartfelt advice and support and for believing in me enough to lay it all on the line - it means so much to me that you wonderful people who used to be just complete strangers to me care enough about me to reach out to me, give me a hand up, tell me like it is, and want me to succeed - and thank you, my sweet Virginia, for saying just what I needed to hear tonight to bring it all together for me...
I just got home again after going out with a friend to fill her in on my updated news...anyway, I read your post and WalkinBack's post and just smiled.
If you have the Living Deliberately bracelets, does that mean that you read the Avatar program, or took the course? If so, then you already know what you are capable of...
Listen, I have to get some sleep...we'll talk tomorrow, right now it's almost 3:30 am...I have to be at work at 8:00 am.
