I am feeling beautiful today. I am feeling voluptuos. I am feeling like it is good to live. Come what may God always has a plan~ I am better Human Being now~ I have learned so much~ Life is so full of surprises~
It is only a short time ( @ 6 weeks ? ) until May 1st.... The day I recieved the bomb last year. I was thinking about it last week and the week before and hey I am only human . But today I have come to the realization, That it will be ok. Yes that day will come and maybe I wil shed a few tears like I am right now . Bitter sweet tears of sadness passed. But I am going to be ok. I am getting stronger everyday and fear can not hold me down anymore. I am sooooooooooooooooooo tired of living in Fear and just holding my breath and waiting for it to be ok and for the fear to pass. I am going to go thru the Fear and not be afraid. As long as I do my best it wil be ok.. come what may. I have been thru so much amd loooking back I sometimes dunno how I even got out of bed. but~ I did and everyday God gave me the strength to get stronger and love me a little more everyday too. And be a Mother to my 5 children. I thank him for that I also thank myself for not giving up. Hey I am not a size 2, I am not perfect, I fall down and flat on my face too. But I get on my knees sobbing and in pain and I PRAY. I get up and I try even harder. For I have only been given one life and it is a good one even with all the dark chapters. And I am good and I have worth and I am beautiful. God does not make JUNK. I am me. I am just Ali~ A Woman who has integrity and never gave up, even when It would have been easier to do so.I have been to hell and it is not a nice place,, it is far eaiser to work on me and rejoice in this life God has given me! God bless this day and many to come....
This weekend I was ready to go to Mexico and my H and I were so excited and then I came to the realization that I need a PASSPORT to fly into Mexico... duh. So here I am still in WI. Oh well... Yesterday I cried a little I was going to just let go and have soooo much fun with him for a few days. I was only anxious some @ the MIL, SIL situation. My SIL has warmed up to me lots for some reason but my MIL is still dry as ever. So I was apprehensive about seeing her. But I need not be worried about it ANYMORE. My h said he was sorry he did not know I needed a PASSPORT. Well the new Passport law sure put a damper on my romantic getaway.
I am going to work on our room and making it more tranquil and relaxing and keep working on my body too. I am going to research the internet today about diet and health that will be my reason to do not much of anything today~ I am researching for some way to help get rid of the awesome dimples that have taken up residence on my legs... EEEEWWW. I have cleaned up my diet alot and drink alot of water. My legs look better. And as much as I love me and am far more comfortable with my body than ever I do believe that I am allowed to be a little vain and I want to work on making my legs look awesome again. I am also lifting weights. I can do 200 lbs on the leg press. When I started I was only lifting 70#. I am very proud of me~
.... and I am trying to remodel a body that gave me 5 kids. No small task. But I will do it. Right now I am a size 10 and my goal is to be a size 8. I can do it I just need to put my mind to it and I can do it.
I am feeling alot of emotions today and I have been laying down for a bit. My anxiety seems to be up today and I know why... As strong as I have become and know that my life has many blesings. My H told me yesterday that he would be traveling to the border of Texas and the OW only lives @ an hour from there. Oh sure she could possibly have already seen him or even talked to him she is my SIL's best friend and yet when the subject of him being just geographically closer to her comes up.
.... as much I do not think @ it my anxiety is STILL bad today. Today he was running errands with his dad and he called me around 1 pm with his Dad's phone just to say hi and tell me what he was doing. He is fixing a truck that he has there. Like I have said before he does call me or I call him and we speak @ 3 times a day or more. I know the connection and the bond is growing and yet old habits are so hard to break. The litle bit of fear that I am feeling seems irrational and I am not dwelling on it and yet before I felt it hard to breathe. I will be ok~ I can get thru this mini road block~ I need to have faith in him~ and more so faith in myself that I will be ok~
I can not control what he does and Worrying about this is not healthy for me. My kids and I need the woman who smiles more now and who has alot of postivity in her. When he called to say hi I was upbeat and told him that I was glad he was out and about with his Dad and getting some fresh air. He said he would call me later and that if he did not call to please call him at his parents house. When we hung up and he told me to have a good day... I just cried for a bit. He seems to be going out of his way to be sweet ( for over 10 days it seems now) and it just makes me melt and I turn into this puddle of MUSH!I feel good and know that I am going to be ok but it just feels a little uneasy to let go,,, and just trust for me sometimes,, I am scared he will hurt me.
I know from our daily conversations that he is feeling more Happy ,content , comfortable with me and more connected and yet the mind is very powerful making you think well what if x, y or z happen?
darn BRAIN
I have actually followed COG's advice a while ago you either trust him or you dont. I do trust him and I hav emade a commitment to trust him and give him all my trust and just know that I wil be ok and if and when the day would arive when he would again let me down he would have to deal with himself b/c I dunno if I could tolerate another sumer like last year. I am still recovering so to speak. today I watched a show on DR PHIL re: infidelity and it made me cry so I know that my wounds are healing but they are still somewhat fresh. Little by little and day by day when he shows he is more and more worthy of my feeling safe in his love is when I can give a lot more and not feel so petrified. I started to lead and he has followed. I am looking forward to when I do not feel this apprehension anymore and I just know without a shadow of a doubt that he is better and he is loyal to me and shares his body and heart and soul with me alone and I make him feel safe in my love too. Pretty tall order I guess but hey ((( HOPE )))) I have the rest of my life to keep working on this and making it the best M I/WE could possibly hope for. This is so challenging at times for me and yet everyday when I get up now I think to myself what can I do today to make his life a little brighter and what can I do for me today that will make me SHINE?
My whole life, my Family and even my home seems to have more balance and more structure. My life seems to have more meaning now that I see all the blesings that have always been right here in front of my face.it was alwasy there in front of me it was just up to me to open my eyes and seeit all. There is so much beauty in everyday things and yet I was too preoccupied in making sure the floor was mopped just right or all the dishes were done etc. etc. its ok to have a sink full of dishes once in awhile if it means creating memories that are more cherished than that load of dishes.
Wheew... that was a mouthful. I feel better now. God bless....
That's great Alimari! Been catching up with your thread. I am glad you are so happy. It must take some time to feel "safe" again. But you are getting closer and closer.
Totally normal to be afraid, especially when H is travelling. I can understand your worry and fear. Still, you are moving in the right direction, keeping those negative feelings at bay. Fear, anger, worry, resentment, those things come from the dark side. Strength, courage, faith come from God.
You might need to prepare yourself to see the tatoo again. Maybe just imagine it in your mind so that it does'nt shock you when you see it again. Also, remember that the OW does'nt hold a candle to you. You are FAR above her. Your H obviously loves you and wants you more than any other.
Sorry your little love connection to Mexico did'nt work out but it'll just increase the desire another notch.
You sound very healthy as usual. Keep up the good work on YOU!
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
last nite my H and I had a minor disagreement and he got a little angry with me and I said " well that is not very nice." and you would have thought I told him I robbed a bank.
Well this morning he was fine and I think I need to realize he is going to get Mad and that does not mean he is going to be a WAH again. Got to work on that one. I am a little apprehensive to be perfectly honest that when he comes home that I will lock up some and not be me in his presence. He loses out cause I do tend to hold back some when he is around. I feel like I can not let my hair down and I always have to be a :LADY. Lately just thru the phone I have been just me. I have been transparent and let him see more of me. I laugh more, smile more and just enjoy myself more with him on the phone. I let the real me shine thru. When he gets down I make him smile. For a long time I would not do that I would stay real quiet and just let him be. I felt like there was simply nothing I could do to make him feel better . Like I was UNIMPORTANT!!!!!
And now that I am stronger I help him shine.
He has been waiting for years for me to come back. I sometimes cry a few bittersweet tears when I realize it took me so long to feel this way. I used to surrender to my fear and let it rule the way I lived and now I have faced many of my fears and I have survived and come out stronger and a better person. ( A work in progress)
~`I also hope to help my children grow into healthy adults who do not hide behind their fears but go thru them and face them as best they can and get the most out of their lives. I have so may blessings and I have had them here right in front of me for sooo long.
I used to wonder why God made me so fertile when I was suffering ( M problems , depression , etc. ,etc. ,) and I had 5 children to be strong for. Now I know why...... God sent me these little ANGELS!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~to help me grow~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They make you smile when all you want to do is cry.( And oh sure they make you cry when you were smiling too.. ) ~but they are JUST so precious. And it all seems to make sense now. And I think I scrubbed my face too hard cause my tears are burning my cheeks.... OUCH!
I feel very blessed and I am feeling like my H will be keeping me first and keeping himself in the right place too. I am not sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo scared anymore and I know it is b/c he loves me and also b/c I love me enough now, to know that I am a beautiful, worthwhile Human Being and life is too short . Too short to keep being shackled to my fear, my worries and my pain. It is ok to be Happy~ ~it really is.
Thank you God for all your blessings and for blessing me with a love like this and even though I have fallen flat on my face many times .... this VERY DARK chapter. I hope never to have to revisit. God bless...
Cog, Thank you so, so very much for your support. And ah yes the dreaded ink on his chest........Your advice is so on ~it amazes me. In DEC. I did not prepare myself and it did not go very well. I foolishly thought it would have been covered. And it was like I saw it for the first time.. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHH Thank you sweetie, I will make a mental note of this post. I will also let you know how it goes. Hopefuly he will be here by Monday. God bless... Love, Ali
I hope to have a good day today.. I am feeling a little on the I do not want to do anything side. I have lots to do to prepare myself for my hubby getting here. So apparently doing nothing wil help me get there?~ I think I will get some candles today and some massage oil . When he talks to me on the phone I can tell that his anticipation of when he gets here is high.... I actually feel quite like I am ready for him too.... I have been quite free with my bad girl talk and just having fun with talking to him and not holding back. I will tell him when you get here I am going to %*^&**&)(*) you or %*&^*(() you... and he loves it. I used to think that I "shouldnt" talk like that, but he is my H and I do only think and do those things with him so it is OK! DUH~ Wow I have been missing out on alot of fun always trying to be the proper little Catholic girl....
BTW ROOT~ Thanks for the advice @ Damiana I found a liquid form of it @ my local health food store. It tastes awful but I hope it helps. It tastes like something at the bottom of my shoe EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW all in the name of LOVE! I also tried some wheat grass juice while I was there,,, I guess most people say it tastes AWFUL but I actualy liked it. I want to invest in that and get a machine too it has soooooo many health benefits if only libido was one of them. I guess one shot of it is like having 3 servings of vegetables. Something like that.
Anyway off to get something done hopefully. Have a Fantsatic day! God bless...
I have had a good weekend I have relaxed. That is quite an accomplishment for me! I feel good and I feel like when my H gets home I can be ok. He is still in Mexico and he was suppoed to be traveling already but our truck is getting worked on. My MIL was nice to me on the phone on Fri nite that to me was a shock. But I was just nice back. I dunno what brought that on?
Anyway.. I have been reminded of the OW the other day and I am doing ok with it. I feel like I still need to heal some. By me becoming this hot, sexy , self assured Woman. ( well at least in my mind , which is the most powerful weapon of all) I think is helping immensely and also it is my best revenge~ To not wither and be a prisoner to my pain,, the pain of what she and he did to me basically. I can choose to think @
~~~~IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ~~~~~~~ all the time and drown in self pity or~
I can take charge~ Listen to some John Legend, Mary J Blige some salsa music and feel better~ Keep eating " clean"~ ( and a few of my homemade chocolate chip cookies here and there too!!!)( for sure, I am only human ya know!) Keep lifting weights~ Keep working on me~ Keep flirting with my H of 10 years~ Keep working on being healthy emotionally so my Libido gets strong again,, without some trust TRUE INTIMACY IS IMPOSSIBLE Keep this up and I can stop thinking that B/C SHE WAS SIZE 00 AND 11 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME THAT FOR SOME STUPID God forsaken reason she is BETTER than me!!!!!!!! I have a body more like Jennifer Lopez... and after 5 kids I am trying to resurrect it to 100% sexy ability. ( with a few stretch marks ) I have stopped smoking too~ This was kind of hard but so far I have done it! I am really focusing on who I am and my inner beauty~ I am smiling alot more now~ I am allowing myself to be human and not try to be this Super Woman anymore~ ( who in the end is not so SUPER b/c she is too exhausted )
thru all of this I realized that I lost who I was and that is exactly who My H was looking for ...... I lost me by being a MOM and a WIFE and nothing more. It seems so simple but it is hard not to get lost in that. We are taught since we are little that those roles are ever so important, but we are not taught so much that it is vital like air to be A WOMAN and embrace all that that entails. I for one am having fun being the Woman I should have been all this time. Life is good..... I know I can do this I will keep working my &*@ off to get there! God bless...
I know what you meant by losing yourself and only being a wife and mom. I did the same thing. I am still feeling quite lost, though. I will try some of what you are doing. It sounds liberating! You shouldn't worry about having a figure like JLO. She has a beautiful figure. My H just told me I am sickeningly skinny and I need to eat! Not a good compliment. I like myself the way I am, though. I am only 5'2 and 112 lbs. I have a tiny figure. With extra weight my back starts to hurt me and I don't like myself. I am not going to gain weight for him. SHE was quite a bit bigger than me. In the chest area, too. I think he liked that, too. Not much I can do there. How do you loosen yourself about to use the "bad girl" talk. I know my H likes that when we ML, he used to try to get me to talk like that, but never could bring myself to do it and now I want to but I don't know what to say. I am like you. Was raised a good girl and not to talk like that. I wonder if there is a book or something. You sound like you are doing well. Keep up the good work. When did you say your H is coming home? Take care.
No small task. But I will do it. Right now I am a size 10 and my goal is to be a size 8. I can do it I just need to put my mind to it and I can do it.
Been catching up with your thread. I am glad you are so happy. It must take some time to feel "safe" again. But you are getting closer and closer.
. When he talks to me on the phone I can tell that his anticipation of when he gets here is high.... I actually feel quite like I am ready for him too.... 