It hurts like hell, as you all know, but that's not the reason. I'll get past it.
I just think it's time for me to move on. I've shed enough tears over this R, even while we were together.
He has closed his heart to me. I don't know if he will have an "awakening" someday--probably he will. But it doesn't matter. It won't be for a long time.
We did not have a happy marriage; not for many years. He was too weak to tell me he was unhappy, or to work on it.
He hasn't changed. He was too weak to tell me that he's dating someone, even though he's introduced her to the children. He looks at me, and looks so sad. Maybe it's just around me; I don't know. I think he's just a lost soul looking for something he can't find.
I told him tonight that I'm okay, that he's releasing me from a R that wasn't good for me. He answered: "I really believe that, Nicola. I really, really do."
He said something at one point about being logical, and I said, I'm obviously not b/c I still love him and he's treated me like $hit! I kind of laughed, but he got annoyed, and said, "I know," nastily. I guess he does feel bad about how he's behaved.
He still speaks so defensively around me; doesn't let his walls down.
Truthfully, it is best for this to be over.
I do have a lot to offer another man. I want to be married again; I want the opportunity to be the wife God wants me to be. This time, I will ask for His guidance in choosing a mate.
On Monday, he has his sentencing. After that, I guess I will start seriously planning my legal course of action. I don't know if I will file or if we will do mediation. Obviously, the latter would be much less costly.
I am going to get the kids to bed--it's 9:30! Then I'll take a tranquilizer tonight and sleep too. I will go to work tomorrow, no matter how hard it is.
This ow is not getting a prize unless H has suddenly become someone he has never been in the 17 yrs I've known him. So no need to cry over that.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
