Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

[81388*]

After a long and dark weekend, I am back.

My last thread was about my perceived "life of Job", this one is about choosing a new path.

My brother has been declared healthy, and blood clot free. He has made some great strides towards a healthier lifestyle as well. My BIL has had the brain tumor diagnosed and it is very good news. Not only is the unknown now known, but it looks like he will die with a brain tumor-just about the time he dies at a ripe old age of something else- meaning they may not be able to get rid of it, but they know how to manage it. He took his wife to vegas and celebrated the good news.

I have gotten so much strength from these situations. My BIL had such a clear vision of what he wanted HIS life to look like and was not willing to accept some cheap look alike life. His words, "if I gotta go, I'm goin down swinging, I just need to get everything in place so that I can kick this thing's ass!"

I decided that is the place I need to be.

My wife came by the house tonight, visited with all the kids, picked up some more clothes. She didn't stay long, but seemed sad while she was here. The kids, God bless them, are much better at DBing and detachment then I am, they all jumped up and gave hugs when she got here, but quickly resumed homework and various other projects and really didn't pay much attention to her. When she announced she was leaving, they again all came in and gave her hugs and kisses and "see ya laters", then went back about their business-even S6 went right back to his book, and asked if we could read together before he went to bed.

As my wife left, she again was very sad, but I ignored it and followed her out and asked what day she was off this week? maybe we could get together and talk about finances and the calander. We don't have a separation agreement and we havn't discussed who is paying what and when does she want the kids at her place. She told me that today was her day off, which leads me to believe that she just got back from dropping OM off at the airport. So I told her any time would be fine, just let me know, and turned to walk back in the house.

I wanted to stick to that plan, but it was obvious that she was crying, so I walked out to her truck and opened her door and told her "don't for a second think that we, that I, don't miss you. I want you to be happy and this is what you said you need to do to be happy. I want you to be happy for you, I will not put what I think and feel in the middle of that. You need to decide for yourself how to be happy." I gave her a pat on the back and walked back inside the house. She was crying and saying "I know", while I talked to her.

I just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hold her and make everything better, to kiss away her tears and reassure her that it would be OK, but at the same time knew that I couldn't, that it wouldn't make things better at all. This is all so damn FRUSTRATING! What I want to do I shouldn't, and what I don't want to do I should. I want this, I want that, IIIIIIIIIIII!

I was going through some pics on the computer and found one of my wife on christmas eve when we were skating together. The pain and sorrow and sadness in her eyes brings tears to mine. I printed a copy and keep it next to my bed to remind me of how much she hurts.

What path do I really want?

I want to be happy and healthy.

I want to be a great father to my wonderful children.

I want my wife, the love of my life to be happy with who she is and where she is.

I want to stop reacting and start living again.

I want my family restored.

But even if that last request is not granted, I have been given everything I need to accomplish the other with or without my wife.

[81388*]

Just wanted to give a quick thank you to the mods on my last thread, perfect time to lock it up, it was fixin to get ugly and you gave me time to catch my breath.

[theoden]

8,

You did it right.

Masterful.

You want your wife to be truly happy. You know, deep in your heart, she'll only acoomplish that with you.

If she walks away permanently she'll be broken in a deep, unspeakable way. You will also be broken, but you will know *true* happiness because your mind, heart and actions are in alignment with the Great Romancer of our Souls -- God Almighty.

Bravo.

On the subject of acting vs. reacting...

Dude, what's your passion in life? What do you really want to do, aside from saving you marriage?

Tomorrow I'm going to visit a Karate class with a friend. Hard core, kick-ass, traditional, wear your heart on your sleeve Karate. Take no prisoners, one-punch-kill Karate. I think that'll help me open my heart. At least get some stress out.

YEAHHHH!!!!

--Theoden

[81388*]

Theo,

That is the real question, and the real problem.

My wife and family have been my passion, outside of work, it is what I did.

I spoke to a friend last night, and she was asking what I was really afraid of, of course the guy in me said I ain't afraid of nothing, but came to the realization that what I most fear is that I don't know who I am outside of this relationship.

I met my wife Sr. year of high school, and have never been in a relationship with anyone else since. I have spent the last 26 years defining myself in terms of not who I am or want to become, but in terms of husband to my wife, father to our children.

Yes I have a challenging and rewarding career, I have attained some success within it, it has kept us comfortable although not well off. I enjoy what I do, but it is not what I am passionate about.

I really need to get a life, but first I have to find my life.

[ford]

Heyya 81

I was just like you, 24 yrs for me. my life was work and family, that was all I thought I should do. take care of the family, make a good living.

now I'm doing the proverbial " finding myself"

it's scary at first, because thinking of "us" isn't what we're programmed to do. but after a short while, you'll find your grove.

lemme tell ya, it's an awesome world out there.

[81388*]

Ford, thanks man. I appreciate the chin up. I just wish I could see that future, the one where I am happy and our kids are happy despite my wife and her choices.

[theoden]

8,

Here's something interesting. No real conclusions, but thinking aloud.

For a long part of my marriage, I was too involves in church activities. The church was my mistress. I was passionate about building community, outreach, discipling others. There was my passion. It wasn't my job, per say. It wasn't my family.

This caused some strain in my marriage. I was burned out. So...I took a sabbatical from my duties as a lay leader. I stopped doing everything. I spent lots of time on at home. No more nights out, plenty of time to be with the kids, etc. I never really got juiced in my career.

So what happens? I slowly lost my nerve, and whatever passion I had slowly sapped away. I got excited about the possibility of helping start a new church and my wife was excited, too. But, somewhere, again, I lost my nerve and started to slip into a blue funk.

And then -- BOOM, she drops the bomb.

My lack of passion, my depression, my inability to get my s@#t together is part of the puzzle to this. My being a nice, hard-working provider didn't really get her juices flowing. I was spending a long time ina pity party kicking myself in the ass and she finally decided it was time to join in the party. And she did it with iron-toe boots.

People like to kick you when your down. Maybe it's evoltionary biology: kill off the weaker member of the tribe ;-)

Well, whatever it is, finding your call to adventure can only help.

Again, just thinking aloud.

--Theoden

[whatisis]

Yup, we've all played our parts in what happened to our M's. I can honestly say that much of what I did was for my family, W included but things were missing. My idea of a happy home and good R included NOT talking about things but adjusting to each other. I thought that was a good thing, it showed an ability to compromise without having to get into it all the time. It felt natural and therefore good (I sound like my W there, it all has to be easy and spontaneous or it's not "real").We were a well oiled machine. Unfortunately, easy and natural is not always the utopia we tend to believe it is. Obviously, there were alot of underlying feelings my W had that she chose not to express, she just kept choking it down and carrying on. When someone came along whose whole life purpose seemed to be centred on my W and her feelings, needs etc. it was too much for her to turn away from. It was also at a time when she felt extremely lonely being bogged down in studying for a Masters degree and holding down a stressful management position in Social Services. It was easy for her to shut me out and plow ahead. OP was easy and willing with no young family, R's etc. Well, that's history now and I hope I will have learned from this experience. You too must look at what happened and find the lessons that apply to you, painful as they are.
For me "bomb" #2 and #3 taught me I needed to do more for me! I was doing for W and family and forgetting about ME! Obviously, it did not garner much appreciation nor loyalty from W. All my doing to make her life easier, did nothing for our R. I thought I was living a dream come true but NO it was sacrificing for others in a way I thought would make for a happy life. WRONG! I'm at a point where I may soon be where you are now 8, it's tearing me up insided but there comes a time where we must all "find ourselves" as ourselves not as part of a unit, R or whatever else we belong to. It's a frightening feeling to suddenly not know who you are anymore but if you believe that everything that happens to you is ultimately for some better purpose, then these could be the most exciting and rewarding times in our lives. I too, am thinking out loud.
BTW you are doing great 8, I loved what you told W about being her happiness. Amazing isn't it, she leaves to be "happy" and sits in her car crying. yes, makes perfect sense, doesn't it. She has to pave her own road now and your job is to let her do so. Take care.

[81388*]

That really was the purpose of the picture. What she is doing does not make any sense, because it is not rational. Maybe in her mind, but not to anyone else(except OM, hell, probably not to him either, but hes not turning her away). She is hurting with this as well and it helps me to remember that, but not dwell on it. Being the caring, loving, guy that takes care of everything is not going to fix this.

[ford]

Ford, thanks man. I appreciate the chin up. I just wish I could see that future, the one where I am happy and our kids are happy despite my wife and her choices.

I hear ya, it's not like you flip a switch and everything is hooters and cold beer. for me, just the nawin of all the crap she pulled just pushed me away. Instead of trying to fix everything for her, I let her handle it, because after all, she said she wanted to be independent. but here's the rub, she still wanted me to fix everything. crazy.

now, and not just with my wife, but with co-workers, family, anyone, I don't compromise myself at all. it used to be i'd bend for anyone, including the paper boy, now, I'm just me. respect my boundaries, i'll respect yours, and don't try and involve me in any of your crazy sheeit.

send me a dollar if this makes any sense.