I know this is tough and frustrating...but you mention a few times in your post that you've asked him to go to counseling...and I got the idea you may have been persistent about it.
You have been fed-up and wanted to smack him and just say 'get over it,' or 'grow up.'
But that isn't how this works.
This insistence has and will have the opposite effect...practically guaranteed.
Okay...you've responded to my questions now, so I will address that response also.
So the ideal would be your true husband but improved.
That is a possibility...not an improbablity at all. BUT it is YEARS away. He will have sooner small improvements...but greatness takes time.
But you are getting to the point of no-reurn...where no matter how much damage occurs you will no take him back.
So what will you do then, when after this crisis that ideal improved guy lives inside the present Monster?
I am serious...it is not guaranteed, but it is both possible and probable. And that guy may still not want to return...but let's say he does...
I truly believe a large percentage WANT to return...and the wife has moved on so they cannot or they fear the rejection and are still overwhelmed with guilt...they wish they could erase their actions.
Think of this person as your next relationship...you seem willing to consider another and move on. So in the future, can you move on with a the same person.
Yes, there will be painful history. But there is beautiful history too...just look at your kids. There is already a relationship established...and you know each other. Though you will need torediscover each other afresh.
I'm not trying to convince you. But I want you and others to think of these things.
When all of this started you envisioned a fairy tale ending...or at least the two of you happy and together. This is one of the greatest obstacles...TIME. You do not see that ending now. But you aren't there yet, thus why should you see it? What you have seen is that things are getting worse. Sorry...but Sweetie, you know this by now...that is the nature of MLC. It gets worse and worse and worse...for a very long time.
One thing I really wish is that posters would come in here and accept the TIME reality and make goals within that context. But all of us have the fantasy and hope that we will be the exception and change his mind.
And then I offer such a hope too...a fantastical hope when I tell you that YOU and your behaviour can make a difference. It believe it. But then what I bleive is that some MLCers will stop reacting a and projecting to the LBS...they will still go through MLC but not in Monster Mode. Some still will. And I believe acceptance doesn't so much speed up the journey as it doesn't lengthen it...and perhaps the norm is a lengthened journe, therefore it seems we may have speeded it up. boy that sounds confusing. Tell me if I lost you...or if I didn't too.
That is the greatest disbelief...TIME. It's understandable...no one wants to believe this won't be over soon. But it won't, and that is not something we can change.
So how about this. Move on. Close the door on the person he is NOW if you must. But if the real person knocks on your door...keep an open mind.
