I am feeling alot of emotions today and I have been laying down for a bit. My anxiety seems to be up today and I know why...
As strong as I have become and know that my life has many blesings. My H told me yesterday that he would be traveling to the border of Texas and the OW only lives @ an hour from there. Oh sure she could possibly have already seen him or even talked to him she is my SIL's best friend and yet when the subject of him being just geographically closer to her comes up.


.... as much I do not think @ it my anxiety is STILL bad today.
Today he was running errands with his dad and he called me around 1 pm with his Dad's phone just to say hi and tell me what he was doing. He is fixing a truck that he has there. Like I have said before he does call me or I call him and we speak @ 3 times a day or more.
I know the connection and the bond is growing and yet old habits are so hard to break. The litle bit of fear that I am feeling seems irrational and I am not dwelling on it and yet before I felt it hard to breathe. I will be ok~
I can get thru this mini road block~
I need to have faith in him~
and more so faith in myself that I will be ok~

I can not control what he does and Worrying about this is not healthy for me. My kids and I need the woman who smiles more now and who has alot of postivity in her. When he called to say hi I was upbeat and told him that I was glad he was out and about with his Dad and getting some fresh air. He said he would call me later and that if he did not call to please call him at his parents house. When we hung up and he told me to have a good day... I just cried for a bit. He seems to be going out of his way to be sweet ( for over 10 days it seems now) and it just makes me melt and I turn into this puddle of MUSH!I feel good and know that I am going to be ok but it just feels a little uneasy to let go,,, and just trust for me sometimes,, I am scared he will hurt me.

I know from our daily conversations that he is feeling more Happy ,content , comfortable with me and more connected and yet the mind is very powerful making you think well what if x, y or z happen?

darn BRAIN

I have actually followed COG's advice a while ago you either trust him or you dont. I do trust him and I hav emade a commitment to trust him and give him all my trust and just know that I wil be ok and if and when the day would arive when he would again let me down he would have to deal with himself b/c I dunno if I could tolerate another sumer like last year. I am still recovering so to speak. today I watched a show on DR PHIL re: infidelity and it made me cry so I know that my wounds are healing but they are still somewhat fresh. Little by little and day by day when he shows he is more and more worthy of my feeling safe in his love is when I can give a lot more and not feel so petrified. I started to lead and he has followed. I am looking forward to when I do not feel this apprehension anymore and I just know without a shadow of a doubt that he is better and he is loyal to me and shares his body and heart and soul with me alone and I make him feel safe in my love too. Pretty tall order I guess but hey ((( HOPE )))) I have the rest of my life to keep working on this and making it the best M I/WE could possibly hope for.
This is so challenging at times for me and yet everyday when I get up now I think to myself what can I do today to make his life a little brighter and what can I do for me today that will make me SHINE?

My whole life, my Family and even my home seems to have more balance and more structure. My life seems to have more meaning now that I see all the blesings that have always been right here in front of my face.it was alwasy there in front of me it was just up to me to open my eyes and seeit all. There is so much beauty in everyday things and yet I was too preoccupied in making sure the floor was mopped just right or all the dishes were done etc. etc. its ok to have a sink full of dishes once in awhile if it means creating memories that are more cherished than that load of dishes.

Wheew... that was a mouthful.
I feel better now.
God bless....