It's just so hard when you don't know if letting go means they will never come back
I do know how hard it is. And he may never come back, but the problem is, that could happen regardless of whether you let go or not. Holding on doesn't make it more likely that he will be willing to give the marriage a shot.
And just so it's clear....I'm not suggesting calling it quits. I'm not suggesting you suddenly become the evil, vindictive, scorned wife. I'm suggesting you focus so much on what you want out of life that you are more...indifferent, nonchalant, aloof, but still civil. Be the confident woman in the office that doesn't go out of her way to get a man's attention...but gets it anyway because she has that "air" about her.
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Just Me, have YOU been in my shoes?
Yes and No. My discover was of an online EA. And I was understanding and she was willing to put a stop to it. But she didn't...not for very long. I heard all those words that everyone hears about not loving and maybe shouldn't have been married. I think she had determined it was over by the time she justified returning to the online affair. By that time she already wanted to separate and we were looking at places together. When I discovered the affair still going on after DBing (but then it was different. It was fake. An attempt to do things right to win her back and not focused enough on changing things for me, for me) I told her I just wanted her out as quickly as possible. And she left, and we divorced, and she stayed gone for a year before asking if I wanted to consider trying again. We stayed friends during the year apart though...something that may not be possible in your case. Know when she asked about trying again? After the online thing finally ended. It never became anything more. But it was on her timeline. I used the time apart to stay her friend, but worked on stuff I wanted to do. I took some classes, wrote on a book, traveled a bit, met some DB people from this board, and eventually dated a bit. I cleaned my house, enjoyed time with my kids, became more involved with the other parents, and tried to enjoy my single life. But I can't imagine if there had been a flesh and blood person, another man, sleeping with my wife whether it would have happened that way. I don't know if I could get past it. But I know from this experience that I'd never do the beg, plead, and ask her to stay thing. Because I don't think it would make a difference--because it was never in my control whether she was willing to try again.
For you, I think you need to find the person that you can be. To much of him at the moment may be an impediment. Would you sacrifice this business if in the end he came back and was your ideal husband? You might have hard choices ahead of you. I had a faultless, painless divorce and don't regret it went that far. We each had to walk our own path for awhile. Oh well, enough rambling. Sorry you had to hear all that from your hubby.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
