congrats! I'm very happy you guys are together again.
Now, piecing is very hard and there will be days when you will question your desicion of being together, but it is just how it goes, my H put it as "1 step forward, 2 steps back"
Soldier on RB!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
congrats! I'm very happy you guys are together again.
Well, Cat, we aren't truly "together" again. She hasn't made any commitment yet, and she hasn't moved in with me, which is why I haven't moved to piecing.
Her concern is that she still doesn't feel "in love" with me. Though we are very loving toward each other, she still doesn't feel that driving passion for me that she feels is essential to her happiness. As a result, she's afraid that this cycle could repeat itself. She's truly afraid of hurting me (and her whole family) again.
Right now, we aren't even "working" on our relationship, because she's been so preoccupied with OM and what was happening to him. I do think that we're at the beginning of the end of that. Yesterday morning, she told me that she didn't feel the usual emotional heaviness and hurt that she normally has had since their breakup.
As for me, before I recommit to the marriage, I want an agreement on W's taking her medicine. Specifically, I want her to take what her psychiatrist has prescribed unless I agree that she can take less medicine.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
"Specifically, I want her to take what her psychiatrist has prescribed unless I agree that she can take less medicine."
I understand your concern here and frustration regarding W's meds, but this is NOT the right approach.
It infantalizes your W and is rather appallingly controlling. I can't even imagine being with a man who would try to get me to make such an agreement. Be a father to your D, not your W.
Instead, set your boundaries and communicate them directly. "W, I want an emotionally healthy partner. So, I am unwilling to work on the M until I believe you are committed to taking the medicines you need to be healthy emotionally. Also, I will not stay in an M with you if I believe that you are not taking the medicines that you need to be healthy emotionally."
Or whatever it is that YOUR boundaries are. Try to look after yourself here by managing your own life and your own boundaries, not by controlling W.
I understand your concern here and frustration regarding W's meds, but this is NOT the right approach.
It infantalizes your W and is rather appallingly controlling. I can't even imagine being with a man who would try to get me to make such an agreement. Be a father to your D, not your W.
OT, about anything else, I would agree with you. However, one of the features of bipolar mania is that she may not recognize that she is sick, even when it's perfectly clear to others. By definition, she cannot control her own mind at that point. It's not infantalizing her at all -- that's just the nature of the disease. Her doctor doesn't see her every day the way I do. I agree with my W that she is sometimes over-medicated and doesn't always need to take as much medicine as has been prescribed. On the other hand, W can't control that and "self-medicate" because she is sometimes unable to see or feel when she is getting sick. Putting me in control of her medicine is really the only practical solution.
The affair started when she was manic and wouldn't admit it or take her medicine. Mania is frequently accompanied by a "god complex" where the manic person feels that they can do anything they please, and it is also associated with sexual experimentation and a heightened sexual drive. I do not believe that this affair of hers would have happened if she hadn't been manic at the time. Also, my concern about her refusal to take her medicine while she was getting sick caused me to be frustrated and push her away emotionally, which made the OM seem much more attractive.
Getting this issue fixed is THE big deal for me in any reconciliation.
To say this another way: I'm fine with her taking what her psychiatrist has prescribed. I'm fine with getting another opinion about her medicine if she thinks she's overmedicated. I'm not fine with her arbitrarily deciding to reduce her dosage or quit taking her medicine without my permission. I do think that there are times that she can take less than what has been prescribed, but the disease itself makes it impossible for her to determine this.
Why do you have the add the "without my permission"? Why try to control something you cannot control?
Why not, tell her instead: "I'm fine with you taking what your psychiatrist has prescribed. I'm fine with you getting another opinion about your medicine if you think you're overmedicated. I'm not fine with your arbitrarily deciding to reduce your dosage or quit taking your medicine without the support of your doctors, and if such action should result in a return or worsening of your symptoms, I will not stay in the M."
If she is going to do it, she is going to do it, whether or not she has your "permission." I truly don't think that trying to control her and treating her like a child when it comes to her mental health will help her. Rather, disempowering her is likely to undermine her own efforts.
I found out last night that OM has now gotten married ... not much more than a month after he and my W were "back together". I honestly feel pity for the screwed-up kid. What an idiot.
Predictably, W went through another round of the "how could I have been so stupid" game, but it wasn't that bad. What was bad was when it got into an R talk and she basically told me that she thought I was a coward for not confronting OM and beating him up or something. I was naturally offended, and I told her the truth: I wanted to smash OM's face in, but I didn't want a felony assault conviction, and I also didn't want to elicit sympathy from her for her sweet, "sensitive" OM. She called me this morning and apologized, saying that she knows that I was acting based on what I thought was God's will for my life.
I just got another call from her. She said that she just felt a huge wave of joy pass over her for not being with OM anymore.
Over the last week, I've noticed that W has really stepped up her reading ( The Enticement of the Forbidden, Breaking Free, etc.; and she has really started doing a lot more Bible study. There's beginning to be a change in her attitude with respect to the question of what SHE wants versus what God wants for her life. The working assumption between us (as when talking about D's schooling) is that we are getting back together. I think that she's not far away from making that decision.
It seems you are making great progress in your R and that your W is finding her way. You are to be commended for your patience and perseverance.
Regarding OT's comments to you about the infantalizing and controlling of your W and whether or not she takes her meds - I just want to say that I think OT really has a point to pay attention to, when it comes to the how we say what needs to be said. As long as you keep the healthy boundary spoken in a way that refers to what you will or will not accept for your life, all is well. When any of us step over the line into one being in charge of the other, in any arena, without balance of power shifting to the other partner at a different time or on a different day, then I think trouble and resentment will be brewing. Does that make sense? Even with your W's illness, if you are to have a healthy M, the ownership has to be for ourselves and our own actions. Agreements can be made, but if agreements are broken the choices made are for me over here, not imposed on you over there. Just my reflections on the dialogue between you and OT. Because I think you want your M to last and to be healthy, and I think your W's illness hooks you sometimes in a codependent way. It is a much trickier dance when a spouse is ill (Rob dealing with his W's eating disorder comes to mind) but for your health and well being you will have to own your responses, actions and behaviors and practice forever the "letting go" with W. Just some thoughts as you ready yourself for "Piecing" which I feel is coming soon! Love to you, RB, and to your W and D4. You are doing great work!
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
The default arrangement, these days, is for W to spend the night with me, but she still isn't "moved in" and I haven't even broached the topic in a couple of weeks -- it'll happen when it happens. Her conversations imply a long-term future with us together, but we have no "deal" for anything like that ... and I certainly haven't pushed for it or even brought it up. There are more and more little encouragements, though, like the fact that we are putting our daughter into kindergarten next year at a school by my apartment.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
