Things between H and I are definitely improving so while I don't post much about our day to day activities I still spend time on this board trying to give back to others what was given to me.
I took this from Sol's thread in Infidelity as it really hit home for me. I hope others can also benefit from this.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: 12102006 Sol
You may think that you are detaching, at least trying to do that, however, if you really were detached from her...you would not have "felt like crap" this morning when she didn't respond to you. Look at it this way: Did you ask her something specific this morning? No, you told her you were leaving for work. That was a statement...not a question that required a response. So, because you didn't receive any response, you then, became a little down...why?...because, you were "expecting" her to reply.
Sol, this type of behavior is going to cost you mega-bucks in therapy...wish I was on that end. Do you see how you work... you subconsciously set yourself up for failure and disappointment in your processes. She's a friend, a roommate...remember? She saw that you were leaving...you didn't have to announce it to her this morning. Tomorrow, just say to her "Have a great day! I'll see you later" or "Bye, see you later". Then leave out the door without any depression or expectations.
You seem to want to control the outcome of this relationship. It cannot be done. There are two individuals in your marriage, with different viewpoints. In the beginning, I would surmise that you "led" the relationship. Now - years later, one daughter that you both created, your wife is done with the child-bearing times and wants her own individuality. BUT - there's Sol, still in the control booth of the marriage, running the show, to his wants and needs...dear wife, well, she should just follow along. It doesn't work that way - her job, whatever it may be, is her one touch to reality - the reality of feeling in control, needed, helpful, important - she's not an extension of any other soul.
She comes home, her husband wants quality talk, reassurance of his beliefs - then comes the bedroom, where he wants to ML at least two, three or four times a week...because He needs it. She, came out of an affair, possibly hurt because the OM ended it. She's confused, not knowing what SHE wants. She knows she had the affair because she wasn't happy at home - she felt too controlled by her husband - now, he wants her to be remorseful, telling him she's sorry for the affair, to reassure him that he is everything she wants in her life, that she regrets ever to have had the affair...yada, yada, yada...
Sounds a little close to the story? SHE may never tell you any- thing at all...or at least for a long time. You see, things still are not that great at home. She tries, but there is just something about her husband that seems wrong. He's seems to be very domineering, treating her like a child, not like an adult who needs to think her life through. He keeps questioning her about the affair, he wants answers, that she feels she cannot or will not answer. The pressure is enormous and if he doesn't stop...there will be a divorce. Her responses to him are vile, crude and hateful...she picks on him because she is trying to regain her own identity. Unfortunately, her husband feels like he owns her soul, from marriage...now, inorder for him to try and correct the unhealthy relationship, he must let her go by doing what she needs to do. But, the husband (Sol) feels that by letting go, he must cut off his arms and legs...he's very unsure if he wants to do that. How can he? He's married to her, he put her on a pedastil, only she existed, no one else. She was his universe, his reason for living, breathing, surviving... how can he let her go?
BECAUSE, if he doesn't let go, like a little child, he will more than likely crush the little bird in his hands...he will have loved it, to death. Moral...let it breathe, give it space, be kind, loving, and remember...it let you catch it...not to ever be caged, for life...if you want her back, give her the respect of an individual with a brain, just like you.
Yes, it can be saved, but beware...you are suffocating her...... still.
Glad things are going well. It makes my heart happy to hear that!
I am so glad, that from this time last year, you are in such a good spot. You have definately worked so hard for it, and have turned around as a person. You are so sure, strong and open.
Tell us how things are going. We are here to support you!
I know I haven't followed your sitch MB - just wanted to tell you, every time I see your thread title bumped, I think of the book "what to expect when you're expecting"
have a good day!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Sol, Always, Ali, & UA, Thanks for stopping by my curb!
I haven't posted on my own thread for a while. Things between H and I are really great! We are closer than we have been in a long, long, long time! We now both make our R our #1 priority. We ML at least twice a week , which is way better than the 2-3 times a year before the A. H is very attentive towards me; does things around the house, kisses, hugs, holds my hand, takes walks with me every afternoon, talks to me, goes out on "dates" with me....I could go on and on.
H has yet to tell me what exactly happened during his mini-MLC, but I am confident that he will some day. Things really turned around for me when I truly dropped the rope; which by the way I had like a noose around his neck. See the quote above from 1210, I too had my H on a pedestal, my whole life was him. Once I decided to get my own life things started to slowly change. Once I got it thru my head that I had no right to "control" my H, but to just let him be, things started to slowly change. In my mind I did a role reversal I saw that H never once tried to control me, why did I feel it necessary to control him? That is a topic for another post.
Anyway, I owe a great deal of gratitude to this website and all of the wonderful people here that have encouraged me to fight for my M. I won't name names since I don't want to forget anyone, but you all know who you are and I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer!
Oh, Mama! What a fantastic post! My goodness what progress in the time I have known you, over a year ago. Walks together, holding hands, ML regularly!!! I am so, so happy for you. And for what you have learned. It is great that you are enjoying each moment and being in the here and now with all of these wonderful changes. I am rooting for you, as always! Don't forget to keep posting every once in a while. You are one of those inspiring stories now! Woo hoo! And also, R's take continuous attention - never forget to keep watering that garden! Love to you, mama.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Mama, I have never visited your thread before but the accomodations are immaculate! Nice and tidy in here! I just wanted to know if I could put a "tap" in your neverending pool of wisdom. I am having quite a bit of difficulty in this "piecing" thing. It seems a lot harder than the beginning when all was lost. I have always liked your posts in sister Aud's thread and look up to you in all the progress you have made..peace
Don't think of your life's story as a circle that you're standing in the middle of -- if you spend all day turning around and around so you can give equal focus to your past, present and future, you'll get awfully dizzy awfully fast! Your life is actually more like a line -- albeit a very squiggly line, full of funny doglegs and artistic little curlicues. But no matter how many times you must veer off the path, you have to keep your attention focused in a forward direction!
I think alot of us should take this quote and run with it!
We are closer than we have been in a long, long, long time! We now both make our R our #1 priority. We ML at least twice a week 
, which is way better than the 2-3 times a year before the A. H is very attentive towards me; does things around the house, kisses, hugs, holds my hand, takes walks with me every afternoon, talks to me, goes out on "dates" with me....I could go on and on.
Love to you, mama.