Thanks for your encouragement. H did NOT sleep at the office last night, as I was hoping maybe he would - hoping that maybe they're having problems... So I'm down again now. I KNOW I shouldn't be, but I am... Have not seen H yet today. I know I can't let every good and bad thing affect me so much. Patience... and work on ME. I know, I know...
I read up on Heartbroken's situation last night for two hours to get caught up... Her story inspired me. I just wish that H was staying in an apartment rather than with OW most of the time. At least he has only packed a bag of clothes and toiletries and hasn't moved out of our home, which does help a little bit and gives me some hope.
Every time I get down and feel needy and desperate, I just come back here and read everyone's inspiring, kick me in the butt words to get a grip. It has helped so much. I really feel good about yesterday, even though everything that happened was small. It made me feel good. I was NOT clingy or needy - just tried to be happy and independent. I know I have a lot of work to do on ME right now and also that once I make these changes it will take some time of him seeing them in order to believe that they are permanent.
Please continue to help me to be strong... I know I have to get rid of needing reassurances so bad and feeling so desperate, but right now I still have that dependency, and it really helps to have you all out there telling me that there IS still hope for us, that I CAN do this. I know you shouldn't have to keep telling me this, but it helps so much, so thank you. I DON'T want anyone to LIE to me - only the truth, but if the truth is that there is hope, it helps to hear it.
I've been playing phone tag with a the local therapist who I was advised may have been through Michele's training. I left her another message today and hopefully will be able to connect with her today sometime. Will keep you posted on that. I know it's important that I meet with a therapist soon to start working more on ME.
I know that H is really messed up in the head right now, regardless of what he says. And I feel bad for that - I'm sorry, I know he's having an A and has hurt/is hurting me so bad, but I still love him and feel bad that he's hurting, too. At least he has not "formally" started the process to leave me and still talks about our future - even if it is with the business. I'll take that for now.
I know that I just need to let go of him and let him work his way through this. It's just so hard when you don't know if letting go means they will never come back. I'm so scared...
Wow - I just got the wind taken out of my sails, Just Me...
I DO hear what you're saying in that I need to be more mysterious, more of a challenge - all of the things that DBing is about. I know he doesn't want the desperate, needy, clingy person that I have become since he left. I know H and I BOTH have a lot to work on... I realize that I HAVE been desperate and needy and clingy and that it has not gotten me the results I desire. I get that. I know I need to change it. I'm just working on finding the strength to do what needs to be done. I can only truly find that strength inside of ME, and with the support of all of you.
I'm trying to say that I really DO get it. Like 1210 said, I just am avoiding doing what needs to be done - working on ME. I somehow think if I just have one more conversation with him I'll maybe say the right thing or if I just do this or say that or act this way or that way, it will all magically come together. The sad truth is that I have to get out of the fantasy world and come to the reality that if I don't stop those thoughts and actions and start working on ME I may lose everything I want so badly, which is to stay married to the man I committed to spend my life with, through the good times and bad. This journey, though painful, will make us stronger and will help us to never, ever go back to where we were before this happened. It is happening for a reason, and God will not give me more than I can handle. I have to learn what I am supposed to from this, as does H, before we can move on together.
Am I a doormat? I'm sure my desperate, needy ways have made me appear that way. But does that mean I just have to go to the opposite extremem and tell H to get out of the house altogether and completely ignore him (we work in the same office together)? I hope not... I hope there is some middle ground, the middle ground you talked about of becoming more of a challenge. I pray that THAT is the answer for us.
I did talk to Jody (DB counselor) about giving H an ultimatum, as you kind of suggested if I understood you right - basically saying enough is enough and seeing what they do. I had read the book (I know, I keep forgetting the name of it, guys... Something about Tough Love by the Christian author). At any rate, it suggests using the exact same techniques as Michele as far as doing the exact opposite of what feels right, becoming unpredicatable, friendly yet aloof, etc., etc. - all the things we know from Michele. BUT, he then goes on to talk about bringing on a forced "crisis" - telling H that it's either OW or me, that H has to make a choice, that I can't go on like this. That scared me to death, as I feel if I did that now he would choose her...
Anyway, Jody said that timing is everything and that in my situation it is not time for that. I have to work on the first steps right now if becoming a better me and seeing where that leaves me. I have not done that yet, or at least not done it well enough/long enough to make a huge difference in H's eyes.
Do I struggle with staying with someone who is cheating on me? Absolutely - daily! Just Me, have YOU been in my shoes? (I don't know your situation...) Did I ever even think I would stand for anything like this in our marriage? Nope! But now that I'm here, it's a different story. It's hard to know what you'll do in a situation until you're put into it. For me, as hard as this all us, I have to believe that it is a wake-up call that we both needed that our marriage needs serious attention. I'm just not ready to call it quits. As painful as it is to know that your H is sleeping with another woman, I'm in there for the long haul. I have to feel like I did everything I could to honor the commitment I made to him, God, and all of our friends and family. If I don't do that, I will never forgive myself. So does this suck? Heck, yeah. Am I going to quit because of it? Absolutely not. I've put too much time, effort,and love into this marriage to just give up without a fight...
I have talked in other posts about a man I dated once who was overly nice, sensitive, sweet, caring - all of the things you would think a woman would want - AND I HATED IT! It drove my crazy. I just wanted him to get a back bone and give me some space! I keep thinking back on that now, how unattractive that was to me. That is how I have been appearing to H. Although I genuinely feel I AM a nice person, I am NOT the teary-eyed, desperate, clingy person I have become since this happened. THAT is the part of me I have to fix.
So, I thank you for pointing out that I DO need to become more of a challenge. I know this and will do it. I promise. But please don't tell me that when this is all said and done that there is not an option for us to be happy together. If done correctly, that is what DBing is all about, right - SAVING MARRIAGES and making them better than they were to start with... THAT IS WHAT I WANT!!!!
Lin, you've said this a couple of times now - about midlife crisis folks. I hadn't really thought my H was going through a midlife crisis... Do you think he is?
I did not go through all this hell for the last 9 mos to settle. We will be better and stronger or I will not stay. Ultimately that is the goal - I was fine before I got married and I will be fine on my own if that's how it plays out. I choose to make us all happy, me, the H and our kids. Divorced people are usually not any happier 5 yrs. later. Couples who stuck with it and really work at it ARE usually happier!!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I thought I would reply here. What I can't get past, is the fact that when the spouse moves out, it opens up all kinds of opportunities for them to see the OP. While we, the LBS's are alone. GAL etc helps with that, but I feel that they have a leg up on us LBS's as they have someone supporting thaeir stupid decisions. My W tells me that our 19 yr marriage is a lie and that she has never loved me. The OM in my sitch has $ and can give her so many superficial things. I know that this isn't a competition, but how will she see the errorr in her ways when she has everything she needs? The OM is even offering to pay part of her rent for her....thanks for reading my rant.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Yes, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU, so don't feel like you're alone. I'm going on 4 months now (except for the two weeks he came home in February) of knowing he was spending almost every night with the OW, having someone else he could talk to and be with when I have to sleep alone, etc., etc. Yes, it sucks.
I CAN tell you that it got easier with time (harder again now after H came home and then left again, so starting over a bit now). It wasn't easier before in that it wasn't still horrible, but once the initial blow started to wear off and I started going out more with friends, getting dresseed up more, going to the gym, etc., etc., the pain lessened a bit. Did it make me want to give up on this? Absolutely not, but it just was a bit easier to cope while I "waited," if that makes sense. You have to look for support HERE, from people who have been there, done that, and know what needs to be done to get through this hell. Your W may be getting support from OM, but they certainly don't know about DBing now, do they? DB, come here as often as you need for support and encouragement, don't think about what they're doing or how or when, but use this time to focus on becoming the best you you can be for W to fall in love with again. I know, it's easier said than done (read my posts...), but that's the advice I've been given and am working on implementing. Don't dwell on what W is doing! She's confused. Let the A die its own death... and hang in there in the meantime, okay?
I forgot to tell you that I went to the doctor again this morning for a follow-up visit. He talked to me about the DHEA again and said there are some more advanced hormone tests out now than there were when he had my bloodwork done before (maybe 4-5 years ago?). So he said we could do the bloodwork and see where my levels are at, and if they are even a tiny bit low, he will give me something to see if it helps. So, I did the bloodwork already this morning, and we'll see how the results come out. Thank you again for suggesting this. Don't know how good it will be to get that sex drive back up there with H gone... AND it will be wonderful if it helps, as I'll be ready when he does come home - slowly this time, of course... However, when he was home last time, I honestly DID feel a higher sex drive, maybe because of the situation we are in, I don't know...
Anyway, just wanted to let you know.
H just called and asked if I wanted him to bring lunch again! Haven't called him yet today, and he called me!!!!
It's just so hard when you don't know if letting go means they will never come back
I do know how hard it is. And he may never come back, but the problem is, that could happen regardless of whether you let go or not. Holding on doesn't make it more likely that he will be willing to give the marriage a shot.
And just so it's clear....I'm not suggesting calling it quits. I'm not suggesting you suddenly become the evil, vindictive, scorned wife. I'm suggesting you focus so much on what you want out of life that you are more...indifferent, nonchalant, aloof, but still civil. Be the confident woman in the office that doesn't go out of her way to get a man's attention...but gets it anyway because she has that "air" about her.
Quote:
Just Me, have YOU been in my shoes?
Yes and No. My discover was of an online EA. And I was understanding and she was willing to put a stop to it. But she didn't...not for very long. I heard all those words that everyone hears about not loving and maybe shouldn't have been married. I think she had determined it was over by the time she justified returning to the online affair. By that time she already wanted to separate and we were looking at places together. When I discovered the affair still going on after DBing (but then it was different. It was fake. An attempt to do things right to win her back and not focused enough on changing things for me, for me) I told her I just wanted her out as quickly as possible. And she left, and we divorced, and she stayed gone for a year before asking if I wanted to consider trying again. We stayed friends during the year apart though...something that may not be possible in your case. Know when she asked about trying again? After the online thing finally ended. It never became anything more. But it was on her timeline. I used the time apart to stay her friend, but worked on stuff I wanted to do. I took some classes, wrote on a book, traveled a bit, met some DB people from this board, and eventually dated a bit. I cleaned my house, enjoyed time with my kids, became more involved with the other parents, and tried to enjoy my single life. But I can't imagine if there had been a flesh and blood person, another man, sleeping with my wife whether it would have happened that way. I don't know if I could get past it. But I know from this experience that I'd never do the beg, plead, and ask her to stay thing. Because I don't think it would make a difference--because it was never in my control whether she was willing to try again.
For you, I think you need to find the person that you can be. To much of him at the moment may be an impediment. Would you sacrifice this business if in the end he came back and was your ideal husband? You might have hard choices ahead of you. I had a faultless, painless divorce and don't regret it went that far. We each had to walk our own path for awhile. Oh well, enough rambling. Sorry you had to hear all that from your hubby.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
DB, come here as often as you need for support and encouragement, don't think about what they're doing or how or when, but use this time to focus on becoming the best you you can be for W to fall in love with again. I know, it's easier said than done (read my posts...), but that's the advice I've been given and am working on implementing. Don't dwell on what W is doing! She's confused. Let the A die its own death... and hang in there in the meantime, okay? 
AND it will be wonderful if it helps, as I'll be ready when he does come home - slowly this time, of course... However, when he was home last time, I honestly DID feel a higher sex drive, maybe because of the situation we are in, I don't know...