Wow - I just got the wind taken out of my sails, Just Me...

I DO hear what you're saying in that I need to be more mysterious, more of a challenge - all of the things that DBing is about. I know he doesn't want the desperate, needy, clingy person that I have become since he left. I know H and I BOTH have a lot to work on... I realize that I HAVE been desperate and needy and clingy and that it has not gotten me the results I desire. I get that. I know I need to change it. I'm just working on finding the strength to do what needs to be done. I can only truly find that strength inside of ME, and with the support of all of you.

I'm trying to say that I really DO get it. Like 1210 said, I just am avoiding doing what needs to be done - working on ME. I somehow think if I just have one more conversation with him I'll maybe say the right thing or if I just do this or say that or act this way or that way, it will all magically come together. The sad truth is that I have to get out of the fantasy world and come to the reality that if I don't stop those thoughts and actions and start working on ME I may lose everything I want so badly, which is to stay married to the man I committed to spend my life with, through the good times and bad. This journey, though painful, will make us stronger and will help us to never, ever go back to where we were before this happened. It is happening for a reason, and God will not give me more than I can handle. I have to learn what I am supposed to from this, as does H, before we can move on together.

Am I a doormat? I'm sure my desperate, needy ways have made me appear that way. But does that mean I just have to go to the opposite extremem and tell H to get out of the house altogether and completely ignore him (we work in the same office together)? I hope not... I hope there is some middle ground, the middle ground you talked about of becoming more of a challenge. I pray that THAT is the answer for us.

I did talk to Jody (DB counselor) about giving H an ultimatum, as you kind of suggested if I understood you right - basically saying enough is enough and seeing what they do. I had read the book (I know, I keep forgetting the name of it, guys... Something about Tough Love by the Christian author). At any rate, it suggests using the exact same techniques as Michele as far as doing the exact opposite of what feels right, becoming unpredicatable, friendly yet aloof, etc., etc. - all the things we know from Michele. BUT, he then goes on to talk about bringing on a forced "crisis" - telling H that it's either OW or me, that H has to make a choice, that I can't go on like this. That scared me to death, as I feel if I did that now he would choose her...

Anyway, Jody said that timing is everything and that in my situation it is not time for that. I have to work on the first steps right now if becoming a better me and seeing where that leaves me. I have not done that yet, or at least not done it well enough/long enough to make a huge difference in H's eyes.

Do I struggle with staying with someone who is cheating on me? Absolutely - daily! Just Me, have YOU been in my shoes? (I don't know your situation...) Did I ever even think I would stand for anything like this in our marriage? Nope! But now that I'm here, it's a different story. It's hard to know what you'll do in a situation until you're put into it. For me, as hard as this all us, I have to believe that it is a wake-up call that we both needed that our marriage needs serious attention. I'm just not ready to call it quits. As painful as it is to know that your H is sleeping with another woman, I'm in there for the long haul. I have to feel like I did everything I could to honor the commitment I made to him, God, and all of our friends and family. If I don't do that, I will never forgive myself. So does this suck? Heck, yeah. Am I going to quit because of it? Absolutely not. I've put too much time, effort,and love into this marriage to just give up without a fight...

I have talked in other posts about a man I dated once who was overly nice, sensitive, sweet, caring - all of the things you would think a woman would want - AND I HATED IT! It drove my crazy. I just wanted him to get a back bone and give me some space! I keep thinking back on that now, how unattractive that was to me. That is how I have been appearing to H. Although I genuinely feel I AM a nice person, I am NOT the teary-eyed, desperate, clingy person I have become since this happened. THAT is the part of me I have to fix.

So, I thank you for pointing out that I DO need to become more of a challenge. I know this and will do it. I promise. But please don't tell me that when this is all said and done that there is not an option for us to be happy together. If done correctly, that is what DBing is all about, right - SAVING MARRIAGES and making them better than they were to start with... THAT IS WHAT I WANT!!!!