Thanks for your encouragement. H did NOT sleep at the office last night, as I was hoping maybe he would - hoping that maybe they're having problems... So I'm down again now. I KNOW I shouldn't be, but I am... Have not seen H yet today. I know I can't let every good and bad thing affect me so much. Patience... and work on ME. I know, I know...
I read up on Heartbroken's situation last night for two hours to get caught up... Her story inspired me. I just wish that H was staying in an apartment rather than with OW most of the time. At least he has only packed a bag of clothes and toiletries and hasn't moved out of our home, which does help a little bit and gives me some hope.
Every time I get down and feel needy and desperate, I just come back here and read everyone's inspiring, kick me in the butt words to get a grip. It has helped so much. I really feel good about yesterday, even though everything that happened was small. It made me feel good. I was NOT clingy or needy - just tried to be happy and independent. I know I have a lot of work to do on ME right now and also that once I make these changes it will take some time of him seeing them in order to believe that they are permanent.
Please continue to help me to be strong... I know I have to get rid of needing reassurances so bad and feeling so desperate, but right now I still have that dependency, and it really helps to have you all out there telling me that there IS still hope for us, that I CAN do this. I know you shouldn't have to keep telling me this, but it helps so much, so thank you. I DON'T want anyone to LIE to me - only the truth, but if the truth is that there is hope, it helps to hear it.
I've been playing phone tag with a the local therapist who I was advised may have been through Michele's training. I left her another message today and hopefully will be able to connect with her today sometime. Will keep you posted on that. I know it's important that I meet with a therapist soon to start working more on ME.
I know that H is really messed up in the head right now, regardless of what he says. And I feel bad for that - I'm sorry, I know he's having an A and has hurt/is hurting me so bad, but I still love him and feel bad that he's hurting, too. At least he has not "formally" started the process to leave me and still talks about our future - even if it is with the business. I'll take that for now.
I know that I just need to let go of him and let him work his way through this. It's just so hard when you don't know if letting go means they will never come back. I'm so scared...
