More Nuggets of Widsom from the Veterans!

[Jamesjohn]

From jamie
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Talked to wife some more and I think she has some unresolved issues from our past that she just can't get over. I did ask her if she wanted a D or wanted to work things out and she said she is willing to try, I just at this point don't know how hard she is willing to try. At this point I'm trying to get her to at least read DB's book and hope that maybe she will have a different attitude and be willing to look at unresolved issuses in a different perspective as she is a intraverted type of person and holds her feelings in.

With what you have described I say without any qualification: TRY with your W. I would not ask her again whether she really wants to try and just view the next few months as an opportunity to do as much as you can to show her that, with respect to your pieces of the puzzle, you are one caring, understanding man who wants his family back together. Let her see all of the things that you've done for yourself during your separation. Let her witness the changes at home. Continue to give her as much space as necessary and work on your marriage for your sake, but also and, not less significantly, for your children's sake.

She is obviously still on the defensive and uncertain as to how optimistic she will allow herself to be, but try to remember what it was that clicked between the two of you when things were good in your relationship. You have a great opportunity here to potentially pull your marriage back together. Read DB again and any other books that have helped you remain commited to saving your marriage during these difficult times. I can honestly tell you that, as strange as this may sound, some of the most difficult times to exercise some restraint on what you say and how you react to your W will be when, as now, you begin to receive some encouraging signs. You suddenly want more and more and more yesterday and you find that, upon reflection, sometimes their total disinterest was easier to endure!

Think of something you can use in your mind to have you slow your thoughts down and not be too demanding re. your W while she explores the possibilities with you. Whenever you're tempted to initiate any relationship conversation make a pact with yourself that you'll wait 48 hours and see how you feel then. I guarantee that most often the trigger two days earlier just doesn't seem like such a big deal and a premature conversation with a spouse who is not ready for it can be avoided.

So, again, I say go for the opportunity to potentially save your marriage and your family. Best wishes to you--Jamie