This is going to be a long one and may ramble because I am doing a million things at once so please bear with me, I really need some advice here.
I think that my H is cycling between what I will call EXTREME Replay, Depression and Withdrawal. It has been this way for some time now, I am not sure just how long but it seems like FOREVER to me. I guess if I really have to pinpoint, it is probably since last Summer sometime.
Last year about this time he gave me some bogus separation agreement that had no meat or potatoes. I asked him to find a mediator and we could discuss the terms of the agreement but I knew better than to just sign something without some legal representation. In this state the legal separation becomes final and the divorce after one year. So in my heart I felt that he was trying to weasel out of this but I was not going to make it any easier or harder for that matter. I was going to make sure that it was fair is that was what he wanted.
He never got a mediator, I never countered his offer of peanuts for CS and I have NEVER asked or implied that I wanted spousal support. I also told him that we should get some counseling before we moved forward with this. We went to see the Priest that married us –once. He contended that he was done and wanted a d. I stated that I thought that we could work it out.
He got annoyed and never went back. Many times in this journey I have wanted to give up and tell him to go frig himself. I am not that bad a person, I am not Tyra but I am not a hag either. I kept the family outings and sporadic intimacy going up until this Fall as well. Stupidly thinking that maybe through all of this he could see that I still care and want my family together. All the while he cake ate, coming and going as he chose and becoming more distant.
I have tried all of this time to remain friendly but I have admittedly pulled back quite a bit since October when I wrote him a letter telling him that we needed to move past this for the sake of our children and asking him to go to family counseling with me and the children. He went once-in November. As long as things were on his terms, he was fine. As long as I did not ask questions or seek anything from him, all was well. As long as he came and went as he chose with no responsibility and could look like the good guy to the kids while dumping all of the responsibility on me, it was all good.
So with much introspection and quiet strength (and many, many, many tears), I moved from our apartment to escape the ghosts of the past. I got a decent apartment some distance from him (he was no longer visiting the children regularly when we lived within walking distance of him). Distanced myself, tried to GAL as much as I could, stopped calling, stopped intimacy, remained polite but otherwise occupied, taking no to few calls from him (I’m busy right now, tell him I will call him back), I go out when he comes to see the kids or go into my bedroom. I politely ignore him. If and when I do go on the phone, I sound like a recording… “Oh, okay.—Sure—Ah ha. Oh,I see. Yeah, really, oh that does suck.” Aside from the pork chop incident last week, we have had little to no interaction. When the New Year came in, I started alternating weekends (this has not happened since he left). I have also filed for CS although he has not been served as yet.
This was his weekend to have the kids so I my friends invited me to DC overnight and I went. I called him at about 12 noon on Friday to let him know that I was going out of town and if he needed to reach me to call me on my cell. Things turned for the worse then, he started spewing venom. How was he supposed to get D to dance, etc, etc. he still lives with mom and tells me that he lives from check to check. Well, okay. You know what my kids ate for breakfast on Saturday? French fries and fried eggs. He does not buy groceries or could not this week, whatever. He took them to our former babysitter’s on Saturday and Sunday so that they could eat under the guise of visiting her but he is a user so it was so that all of them including him could eat. I also think that he may be seeing this woman. (Note on two of the last weekend visits I have gotten a private call on my cell at about 2am where the person hangs up when I answer. I suspect that it is him.)
Lately it seems like he is sinking more into an ANGRY depression, just twisted in his thinking. He texted me on Sunday around 3 to ask if I could pick up kids at his mother’s ( assume that he was out) I was busy so, texted back No. This sent him into a RAGE. He texted back that he would bring them to me around 7:30-Sunday nite mind you.
So, I went to visit my mom and thought on my way back I would get kids. I call his mother’s and his brother who was visiting answered and said kids were not there. So, I went home. At 7:30 kids not back, call him at 7:45 and tell him to keep them. This sends him into a rage, he has a class, what am I going to do, etc, etc. He starts spewing venom, I am polite in telling him that with the change in time they are going to be extra wound up so he should just keep them and put them to bed. He lives closer to their school. They get to my house around 845! Note, kids do not go to sleep until 11:30!!! Talking and giggling, just wound up from no structure all weekend. I am fuming and call him to tell him that they are still up and not to have them visiting anyone that he is seeing. He of course is livid. I was not yelling or anything but who has the energy to yell when you are a sleep deprived and just holding on anyway?
So, last evening he calls me about something to do with the kids. I advise that I must move again as new owners purchased the house and have raised the rent. I cannot stay until the end of the school year as I originally thought and have found something closer to their school and somewhat more affordable. He barks HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED? I tell him and he goes off and I mean off the deep end over a thousand dollars. (Note, he does not give anything regularly will go and buy the kids sneakers though.) I remind him that his bonus comes int this week and he asks what does that have to do with me ? Then goes on about how he gave me a sep agreement and that I never signed and I reminded why. He is screaming at me that he wants a D. I told him that I would not stand in his way that I still cared and loved him (that is changing though) and that all that I have ever wanted was what was good for my family but if that was what he wanted what could I do about it. I mentioned that we should go for counseling to help the kids with this and he screamed that he does not want to go to counseling, he wants a d and that is that.
He was fuming mad and asked me how much I wanted a month for the children. I told him that this was not for me to determine but for the courts. HE FLIPPED. Mind you, I advised him a week or two ago that I want to buy a small house somewhere where I do not have to worry about moving constantly and what the landlord will say. He asked where in this tiny defeated voice. I told him where, and he barked… you think it cheaper there? To quote Ricky Ricardo, Ay yay yay. That I should do what I have to do , there are consequences to MY actions and I should remember that. The courts are going to take all of his money and there a consequences to MY actions.
So, did I handle this correctly ? He just called me a few minutes ago to ask about an old escrow account’s documentation. I guess he wants to take it out to get a lawyer. I think that he is a hard case that will need to get a d to be satisfied and I am certainly not going to stand in his way as he has slapped my hand every time I try to get him to counseling. Severe depression runs in his family in the men.
I need some advice here, please help. I am most sure that I am done but I am so cash strapped that I cannot spare a nickel for a lawyer. This is getting bad. I think that he is upset that I went away, am GALing, have distanced but he is so whacked he does not know what to do with himself.
