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[whatisis]

Heywyre, how are you doing? You've been silent for awhile. Let us know!

[Heywyre]

Hi Whatisis - yes, I have been silent for a while. Not that I haven't been checking in here and there but I fine that too much of anything(including the boards) can get me down at times.

Things have been up and down (but we all know what that is like don't we?)

I have to admit, though, the last couple of days have been extremely nice (and I hope the trend continues).

H and I went to a concert last night (one of our favs - Meatloaf) and he even said "this is like old times" which almost made me cry because it was, and it was nice to be like that again. I never realized how much I missed being together like that.

Then this afternoon, he said, "would you like to go to Jacksons" - which is one of our fav steak and seafood places. Once again, it was great and we enjoyed each other's company . Tomorrow we are planning on going for a walk along the canal.

His mail friend has been on the road for a couple of weeks (thus the lack of coffee meetings in the mornings on the weekend) this has helped tremendously. I still have my good and bad days but the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting brighter so I guess I don't have anything to complain about.

H seems to be trying and I guess that is the main thing so, all in all, life is good.

How are things at your end of the world Whatisis?

[81388*]

Hey;
Glad to hear you "UP", we all need that from time to time. Keep up the PMA.

[Heywyre]

Just filling you guys in on what's been happening for me. I haven't been around much as work is busy, busy, busy and I just don't have the time in the evenings - I miss you all!!

Anyway, we went to the Meatloaf concert last Friday night and it was fantastic. H even said afterwards that it was the "best therapy" he's had in a long time and it "felt like old times" - that made me feel pretty good.

Then Saturday evening we went out for a nice meal (fancy restaurant nearby that we really like).

Once again, male friend of his has been on the road for the past couple of weeks so we were sans-friend again, which was nice. He came back into town today, but H only saw him for a little while, H has to work tomorrow and male friend is heading back out Wednesday morning.

Then Sunday, we actually went for a nice long walk along the canal. So, all in all it was a pretty nice weekend, almost like it used to be and almost too good to believe.

Then Monday happens .... this was the day H used to go and see OW so it doesn't sit well with me as yet (it never was a fav day of mine to begin with). H was coming to have lunch with me on Mondays to get over the hump, but he has been trying to ween me off of that. I am still stressed about it but getting better. He said he was going to the library today and asked that I call him on my break. I did and he was home so I know there wasn't any "visiting" going on because she lives too far from where we are to do that between break and when I got home. It was tough but I got through the day.

The days are getting longer, the flowers are coming up and things seem to be easing off. H is even going to the doctor tomorrow because he is going to try and ween off the meds (AD) a little. He talked to the C today about it and he didn't think it would be a bad idea because he feels there are a lot of other positives in his life right now that are helping him come out of the depression, not just the meds. I would love to see him come off them completely but, quite frankly I am concerned considering what has happened twice now. And, even H said he was scare of "going back into the black hole" so I know he will be cautious of going off them completely.

So, as much as I am still going up and down with the emotions, I guess I can't complain too much as I feel we have progressed fairly quickly for the short time span since the second bomb - roughly 2½ months

[Heywyre]

Well, here I am still (I haven't left the planet) but I have been feeling rather down lately and just not up to posting much

I have been GAL, doing extremely well on not snooping, trying to keep light about things etc. etc. etc.

So, tell me then, why do I feel like crap?

I know one of the biggest problems I have right now is with the trust issue - how do I get past that? After all the times I have heard "I won't do it again" before and it still did happened again didn't it? As much as it was extremely painful I got past it (for the most part) the first time but this is so much worse, and harder to do.

How do you know when you won't ever be able to trust that person again?

And, how do I get through to H to let him know that I am not over it (like he thinks I should be by now) - he says he is past it and when he thinks about OW there is no emotion

I need some help - please someone out there????

[whatisis]

It's a tough question to answer. I think everyone has their own needs, yours could be quite different from mine. Maybe it comes down to making a conscious choice, "I choose to trust". It's important to be aware of what you need from H in order to feel secure in trusting him. He should be aware (by you telling him) and willing to do what you ask of him. It's not something that is going to happen overnight, it will take time and effort on both your parts.
You do sound well, Heywyre!
BTW why the rush to get off AD's? Is there some reason other than pride? I have a friend who is in a similar boat re depression and he plans to stay on them forever cuz he doesn't want to fall back into that pit. If H was a diabetic would he be all worked up about taking insulin? Probably not. Make sure H thinks this through.

[LoginName]

Wow, good advice from Whatisis. Not that that's surprising. ;-)

HW, that whole trust thing is tricky. From what I've read, it takes time, years, especially since you've been down this road before.

My thinking is; I have to act like I trust, even if I don't. Kind of 'as if' thinking. Kudos to you for not snooping. That's part of acting like you trust. Because to act any differently would drive you both insane. I try to act like I trust, while I try to keep my detachment strong. She could leave me again (and probably will - I'm such a positive thinker!). She'll do it if she feels she must or wants to. Nothing I can do about it. I try to stay prepared mentally and emotionally for that eventuality. In the meantime, I act as if she won't.

Your H could cheat again. Even if you trust him, he could do it. You can't control that, no matter how hard you might want to.

I don't know what this means for the long haul though. If you feel your H might cheat, my W might leave, at any day, can you have a close relationship and have the trust that a good M should have? I don't know. Is it part of unconditional love? Maybe? Is it part of detaching to the healthy amount and not too much or too little? Could be. Am I thankful to Rumsfield for teaching me how to ask my own questions and then answering them? Definately ;-)

By the way, HW, I know this is hard for you, and I know it's tiring, but I still feel you sitch is going in the right direction and there is a lot of reason for hope.

Good luck. When you figure this all out, be sure to let everyone else know too.

[~Sol]

Heywyre,

How are you doing right now???

[Heywyre]

LN and Whatisis - yes, I guess I do have a lot to be grateful for. After all, it could be a lot worse

As for getting off the AD - he knows this is something he might have to do for the rest of his life (GP told him so) however, the kind he is taking (Effexor) has been thought to cause some problems and a warning went out to all doctors that patients can't take as high a dose as they once thought - anyway, he went to see the doc and he felt he was doing well enough that they could take the chance of him cutting back - he's not in a rush to come off them totally (he's been on them for a year now) but the risk was bothering him (therefore making the anxiety worse, kind of defeating the purpose of them). What with the sunshine and the days getting longer, he feels strong enough to give it a try

I know I have to start thinking more positively but its hard (like you guys don't alreay know that - lol)

Thanks for the moral support - it does help even though I am not around as much as I used to be (not to be critical because you guys are tops, but I just feel like I need a break once in a while from the boards. I find they can get me down at times - nothing personal)

[Heywyre]

Ok - a question for all you piecers out there that are a little more advanced (not mentally) than I am ....

I know I have to build the trust back up and that is going to be a long haul but I am also very insecure (obviously built into the trust issue) and I don't know how to get it across to my H without sounding like I am hanging on him

What is reasonable to ask for? I know he is still very private (more than secretive) with his cell and visa bill - which worries me. Is it unreasonable to say if we are going to move forward in this (and he thinks I should be over it by now) than I need him to be more open and expose himself (not literally) to what he is doing? Or is that going too far over the line

I don't want to set him off but on the other hand, I don't want to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life either - always wondering what if ....