Thanks guys. What you say jack makes perfect sense. W saw D yesterday morning and really played with her like a pre schooler. Absolutely no sense of responsibility. I made the decision yesterday to have zero personal contact with W. It's just too painful for me. On Saturday I had to drive past OM's house twicw (couldn't avoid it this time) and her car was there all day. So much for me thinking things might be cooling off there. They're clearly not and it hurts me so much I think I'm best acting as if she doesn't really exist. OObviously there are the financial and house things to sort out, as well as D, but we can do those things without me having to see her face to face. I feel today like I may have seen her for the last tiime yesterday. That obviously feels really odd but I also feel some relief too. It really was too much for me having that turmoil twice a week. I texted her to say as much, a nice text which she responded to with a bit of a 'feel sorry for me, why are you picking on me?' text. I then sent a really supportive one back which said that I still loved her but that I thought this non contact was for the best for me. She responded 'take care'.
Thanks guys. What you say jack makes perfect sense. W saw D yesterday morning and really played with her like a pre schooler. Absolutely no sense of responsibility. I made the decision yesterday to have zero personal contact with W. It's just too painful for me. On Saturday I had to drive past OM's house twicw (couldn't avoid it this time) and her car was there all day. So much for me thinking things might be cooling off there. They're clearly not and it hurts me so much I think I'm best acting as if she doesn't really exist. OObviously there are the financial and house things to sort out, as well as D, but we can do those things without me having to see her face to face. I feel today like I may have seen her for the last tiime yesterday. That obviously feels really odd but I also feel some relief too. It really was too much for me having that turmoil twice a week. I texted her to say as much, a nice text which she responded to with a bit of a 'feel sorry for me, why are you picking on me?' text. I then sent a really supportive one back which said that I still loved her but that I thought this non contact was for the best for me. She responded 'take care'.
Thanks guys. What you say jack makes perfect sense. W saw D yesterday morning and really played with her like a pre schooler. Absolutely no sense of responsibility. I made the decision yesterday to have zero personal contact with W. It's just too painful for me. On Saturday I had to drive past OM's house twicw (couldn't avoid it this time) and her car was there all day. So much for me thinking things might be cooling off there. They're clearly not and it hurts me so much I think I'm best acting as if she doesn't really exist. OObviously there are the financial and house things to sort out, as well as D, but we can do those things without me having to see her face to face. I feel today like I may have seen her for the last tiime yesterday. That obviously feels really odd but I also feel some relief too. It really was too much for me having that turmoil twice a week. I texted her to say as much, a nice text which she responded to with a bit of a 'feel sorry for me, why are you picking on me?' text. I then sent a really supportive one back which said that I still loved her but that I thought this non contact was for the best for me. She responded 'take care'.
Hi Justfbefriends, well done, you're taking care of YOU ! You will be fine....I'm in a NC-zone at the moment, and although it's hard, I feel that it takes me away from the drama and the emotions a bit, and it gives me time to work on me, and let H do his thing....which is what he needs to do anyway if he ever wants to find a way out of this right ?!
Well done, bless you today and may you feel some warm sunshine on your face today !!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
You will be fine, and you will survive. A lot of people go through this, and probably worse. I don't think most of those learn from the experience and are able to turn it into a positive. You are doing that. You'll survive and be stronger and better than before.
I can understand your decision to have no contact. Even though my W's A seems to be over, so my sitch is not as bad as yours, I still often think it would be easier if we had no contact. In your sitch, I think I would do the same as you. I can imagine that there is relief based on your decision. I imagine you'll derive strength from it too.
My guess is that there will still be those moments of panic and pain. My hope and believe is that they will be further apart and less intense.
Wishing a good day and week to you.
Cinders - what's the NC-zone? No Contact? good luck to you. The sun is shining here, and it looks like Spring is coming on strong. Hope the sun is shining where you are too.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Sounds like your doing the right thing by yourself. As hard as NC has got to be (my H is still at home, so we obviously have some) you're protecting yourself and that's always good.
You're right that you'll survive, but more importantly you'll grow into a better you.
Thank you my friends. Feeling ok today. I sent another nice text to my W last night which she hasn't responded to. She always gets back on texts, so she's obviously sulking because I don't want to be her friend. Playground antics.
I was actually thinking last night about this MLC. I read somewhere that the MLCer goes back to a time when they didn't resolve their issues. I was trying to think what time that was for my W. I came up with the thought that her big transition time was in her early teens. She went through puberty young and also put on a lot of weight that her mother used to comment on quite openly. She has always had body image issues dating from that time. I have always told her how beautiful she is but she never believed me. Interestingly, I noticed on Sunday that she's put more weight on again recently.
She had to grow up quickly as the eldest of 5 children and was often a carer for her younger brother and sister, 10 and 11 years younger than her. At that time she also had a friend who really bullied her and she was very unhappy.I wonder whether subconsciously she feels she never really got to be a carefree teenager.
JBF, good to hear your feeling OK today. So am I, although I can't believe I'm not falling apart. We must be doing something right and we must be finding some strength, more perhaps than we knew we had. That, and I think I'm getting too tired to be too upset. ;-)
What did you say in you text last night? Was it a text you felt you had to send? I think you said you were basically cutting off contact with her - going dark as they say. Does that include texting? I would suggest that it should. I think it will help you and your attitude too. Like you said, communicate on issues that you must; the house, finances, D. Be polite and don't go out of your way to be spiteful or overly helpful. I think it will be tough. But I think you can do it.
I think that examining and trying to understand our spouses can be dangerous, but can also be a good thing. I'm making this up as I go, but... If you (we) analyse our Ws actions intellectually it can be helpful because it gives us a reason for what has happened. That's important to our mental health and attitude. I think it can be dangerous if we delve to deeply into it and become more enmeshed (opposite of detached) with our W and the R. We can become more enmeshed in our own head without the W even playing along. If you examine your Ws MLC and try to understand, then I suggest doing as a scientist. Hold the W in your hand, as an object, examine it, put it down, walk away. Your mental attitude isnt' affected. Good plan?
My W had to grow up way to quickly too. My m-i-l jokes about it now. So from a very early age, my W felt she had to take care of everyone and she was responsible. Now, she is trying taking care of herself and not being the responsible one. If she needs that to be healthy, then I guess she has to go and do that. Just wish the kids and I weren't being drug the the mud she has to go through. I'll do my best to keep the kids and me out of the worst of it though.
So, yes, it sounds familiar to me.
It's a shame that we can't tell our Ws this stuff. Just like you can't tell them that their feelings for the OM are unrealistic and fantasy, you can't tell them they are going through a MLC. I don't think at this stage they can see or think that clearly.
My best to you. Cheers.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
