I'm Back

[InHisHands]

I know that what you're saying about forgiveness is right, I just can't seem to live it yet. I'm glad that my husband is past the point of believing that saying "I'm sorry" once, twice or three times should be the end of it. He has committed to talking about it, answering my questions about it, and apologizing for it as often as it takes. He's past the point of believing that forgiveness is something he's entitled to just because he said "sorry." Thank God he is because I honestly don't believe I could have stuck it out much longer without that commitment from him.

Jesus is capable of a lot of things I'm not capable of and I'm sure that once I get to the point where I can give Him control of my life again and lean on Him again, He'll give me the ability to be more like Him, but, sadly, I'm not there yet. I'm trying to get back and I'm talking to God more than I have in quite a few months, but, like everything else I've lost, it's a long, slow process.

I read somewhere that betrayed spouses usually re-visit the pain, want more and more details, ask for things that they know are going to hurt them and basically keep picking at the wound until they can pick at it and it doesn't bleed any more. That's how we know we're healed, when we can think about, hear about and visualize the details without feeling the sickness in our stomachs, without feeling the lump in our throats, without feeling the pain. I know that re-visiting this is painful for him, too. He has to remind himself that I'm not throwing it up in his face just to hurt him, he has to make a conscious effort to sacrifice what he needs and to relive his pain in order to help me heal mine. Thank God he's willing to do that now, I just wonder sometimes if it's too late. I hope not. I really do love him.