I offer suggestions of other people they could talk to, but I tell them that, unless something dangerous or risky is going on over there, it is not really my business, and that I'm sure their mother would appreciate it if they wouldn't tell me about these kinds of things, the same way I appreciate it when they don't share non-dangerous/risky stuff with their mom.
I think this is the right way to phrase things, that is, the right way for someone who clearly understands and appreciates proper boundaries and respect of others. I’m not trying to imply your kids are disrespectful, but you “tone” is not leaderly, and certainly not commanding. It is mediating. No one HAS to follow a mediator, and it seems your kids are choosing not to. I think the stakes are a little higher here. Your kids MUST follow certain rules of conduct or things will get worse, or at least won’t get better. Think about telling them what you WANT them to do, not what you would appreciate them doing. That is the stick. Give them a carrot to show them you love them, it’s just their behavior that needs to change. Leave the “appreciate” talk for Christmas presents. This is a boundary issue.
I'm interested to see what your counselor recommends for the letter, knowing your history better than we.
