Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[InHisHands]

Oh! Me, too! I almost came back here about a month ago to post in the "Help, I'm thinking of leaving" forum and, honestly, if it wasn't for this cancer scare I may have left already. I've heard that most marriages that suffered from infidelity aren't ended by the WAS, most of them are ended by the BS. I didn't believe that was a threat for us, I was SO sure of my commitment, but now . . . you know.

Honestly, this process really totally changed me and I know my mistakes and I know that I'm a good person and I know that I'm a good wife and now I wonder why I should give that to someone who couldn't stand by me when things got rough. I'm supposed to "forgive" him, but he couldn't even forgive me of the little mistakes I was making that made him feel justified in what he did. Keep in mind, I was in the same miserable marriage he was in, he was making his share of mistakes but I chose to overlook them and keep believing in our marriage. I sometimes feel like I've already done more than my share of forgiving. I'm also supposed to trust him, but he couldn't trust me enough to let me know that he had already ended the marriage in his mind and in his life.

I guess what really keeps me hanging on is that I can't really imagine life without him. There are so many wonderful things about being with him that I know I won't feel with anyone else . . . sure, there's a lot of hurt & anger and confusion, but there's also a lot of love and warmth. He never protected me because I never let him really know how much I needed to feel safe. Now he protects me, now he comforts me, now he shows me how he feels. He never was strong for me because he always believed I was strong enough for both of us. Now he sees my weaknesses and offers me his strength.

Like I said, I can't really give any advice, but I can tell you to hang in there. We've fought our WAS's, we've fought the OW, now we're fighting ourselves and I'm pretty sure it's the hardest battle we'll ever face. Let's just promise to stick it out as long as we can without totally losing ourselves in the process. I'm in if you are!