They "get it", but continue to tell ex things she has no business knowing…….I lecture. I lay down the law. They follow it for awhile, then they don't. Part of the blame is that their mother is likely cross-examining them.
I was thinking about this on the way home last night, remembering how my dad has also told my brother and I things. Rarely has he ever been the strong disciplinarian, even when we were kids. As teens, I don’t recall him ever laying down the lay. But, I do know from my mother, that he thinks he has done this at times, or at least had his say. It just never really came across to us that way.
My brothers and I grew up in a dysfunctional home with plenty of yelling and fighting. That is what we know and what we respond to. My dad’s more natural tendency to be the peacemaker just doesn’t resonate with us. He makes his remarks in a rather diplomatic, non-confrontational way, to get his point across so he can say he talked to us, but also to not get anyone mad either. My mom will say what she thinks, and jump right into an argument with everything and the kitchen sink. Somewhere in these two approaches is the ideal for us.
My point to you is maybe your kids are used to handling a higher level of confrontation that you, so even though you may think you are laying down the law, they may not have much respect for it. They might need a little more “firmness” and follow-through from you to drive home the point.
The other thing I wonder is that since you are a conflict avoider and have a tendency to compromise, plus a load of guilt over the effects of your divorce on your kids, that maybe you are trying to be their friend more than their parent? Perhaps the kids don’t see the divorce as cleanly as you do. Perhaps they still see enmeshment between you and your ex, and still see you and your ex as the true core family and your current wife as just a passing phase. I would also guess that part of their attitude has to come from you, that even though you “lay down the law,” your kids see you as the primary violator of that law.
Do your kids tell their friends’ families about your wife and her behavior, or do they draw a line in what they tell non-family members? Maybe it would help to not think of yourself as a mediator. To me that means you are uncommitted to either side, i.e., one foot out the door. I’m sure your wife sees that too. Maybe better to just take sides with your wife and side with her against all other “enemies.” Then tell your kids to draw boundaries like they do with their friends.
E.g., that W went to a Buddhist retreat, that me and W were arguing loudly, that W spent money on DD5 but doesn't take them shopping anymore).
One last point, do you think your kids could use a little validation, just as your wife could? Perhaps they are feeling insecure too, which causes them to complain like this? Giving your kids security doesn’t mean having to be neutral regarding your wife and your ex.
