Making the leap - Hopefully wount Jinx it!

[InHisHands]

Oh, limbo, do I ever know how you feel! It's so much harder than we imagined, isn't it? While we were in the middle of the "worst" of it, life was nothing but one big, adolescent, dramatic game and at least we had a goal, at least we knew what we were shooting for. We were so busy trying to "win" that we never had to really face our own feelings.

Now that we have what we thought we wanted, we have to face the fact that we'll never REALLY have what we wanted, which was a marriage for better or worse with a man of character who can be trusted to let his principles guide his behavior. And you're right, if we were with someone else we probably still wouldn't have it. I don't know about you, but I know for a fact that I would never again be able to take the vows as seriously as I did with him and would never again be able to believe anyone else's vows the way I believed his.

I can't seem to be happy either. Every time I feel life getting comfortable, every time we do "ordinary" things together that used to bring me joy, it triggers a defense mechanism inside me that won't allow my heart to feel the joy that's coming. It's like my defenses sense any hint of hope, happiness or peace and knock them away before they can get inside and I replace the threat of happiness and contentment with anger and pain. I wonder sometimes if, after everything we've been through for as long as we've been through it, after feeling like we've felt for so long, our brains have convinced us that this is the way we're SUPPOSED to feel, KWIM? I mean, that we've been so used to feeling so miserable for so long that we don't know how to handle NOT being miserable.

Anyway, I don't have any answers for you, these are the things I'm hoping to address with my counselor tonight. If I get anything good, I'll pass it on. In the meantime, stay strong and know you're not alone!