Hmmmm. I wonder how much this is related to you confronting him about his addiction via the television show. You *both* knew exactly what rewinding to the beginning of the show was about. And, if an addict isn't ready to address his problem, I believe the standard behavior is to deny, attack, and run... Lol, I think that is pretty much the standard behavior by anyone confronted by something they know is true to some degree, but don't want to admit it is true.
Anyway, criminy criminy criminy. Do you think he is for real? If so, I wonder if you should contact a L and/or the police in case he tries to throw you out. As far as I know, it is your home, he cannot forcibly evict you and his children. And, seriously, SO sounds truly pretty crazy. Not crazy-because-he-wants-different-things-than-you-want-and-you-don't-understand-how-that-is-possible-and-deny-that-those-different-things-could-be-good-for-him, which is the way the term "crazy" is usually applied here. But, crazy-as-in-suffering-from-true-psychological-impairment-that-makes-him-dangerous-to-himself-and-others. Is there anyway to get him to go back into intensive therapy?
Monday, things came to a head. Or, my breaking point anyway. Yelling, raging at me for everything under the sun that has happened to his life. I kept trying to remove myself from the situation, went to my bedroom - he threatened to kick the door down. Unplugged the phone so I couldn't call the police. Just a really bad scene. For the first time ever, I thought he might hit me.
So Tuesday I went to Family Court. Filed for Custody, Child Support and received a restraining order against him. The RO did NOT remove him from the house (like I had requested), but it states he's to refrain from harassing, menacing, stalking, disorderly conduct, intimidation, threats, etc. towards me.
I have also been awarded Temporary full custody until the hearing in April.
I feel a hell of a lot better for now. Although not sure what the next step will be for me.
As for him, I thought this action by me was going to put him over the edge. For real. After he was served the papers Tuesday night, he did yell at me a bit. I let it go. I knew that would happen. After the initial rage, he broke down. Actually would not leave my bedroom. Begged to sleep with me (just sleep, not sex - although in the midst of all this, he request THAT). I let him sleep with me. No, it's not a violation of the RO. And, I did it because it was actually easier than fighting with him about it. All he did was cry and shake uncontrollably all night. Then called in sick (again) to work yesterday morning.
Yesterday, I made him schedule an appointment with the therapist in front of me. It's scheduled for tomorrow. ANd, turns out - he has not been back since the 1st appointment on 2/12 - as he previously lied to me about having been back. This came out while he was talking on the phone scheduling the appointment.
I am truly worried about him. He is rapidly deteriorating right in front of my eyes. I know - mine & the kids safety & well-being are first and foremost in my mind. I just hate watching this happen right before me.
I'm sorry the courts did not give you what you asked for, but better something than nothing, I guess. I think it is really important, here, to make the RO a VERY FIRM boundary. The courts put it in place for a reason. Take care.
NM - Let's talk for a minute about what ROs are and are not good for, and the craziness of still being in the house with someone you have a restraining order against.
Basically, all a restraining order is good for is to assure that IF you call the cops and IF they get there in time, that they will haul him off. Sadly, most killings of women by men they have restraining orders against occur before the cops arrive. This is why I used to tell all of my patients in abuse situations that, in addition to the RO, they needed to go somewhere that the SO could not find them in order to be safe.
I know he hasn't hit you yet, but taking the phone so that you couldn't call is a very very bad sign. Please consider whether you need to move out of there and into a shelter.
Meanwhile - are you counting his pills? Do you know what he's taking and how much? These wild swings of his could be related to his medications - withdrawal, remedication, back and forth. I would try to surreptitiously keep count. It may be enlightening.
To be honest with you, I truly believe that if he was forced out of the house, he would have gone over the edge. Witnessing his behavior over the last 2 days - his mental state is fragile. And that's quite an understatement.
However, this RO does keep him on his toes. He now knows that I will no longer tolerate his rages and he can be arrested. He also knows that if that happens, I can then request the full RO - that is, have him removed from the home.
As a matter of fact, the officer who served him the papers was the same one who came here when I called 911 in January 06 - he remembered me and remembered how SO acted towards me (as well as him & the other officer that responded) - verbally abusive to the point that THEY almost arrested him that night because he wouldn't shut up when they asked him to. This particular officer was also aware of the events that happened on 2/6/07 (the suicide threat) and I explained what led me to seek the RO.
Part of the reason I went to the courthouse was to have a lawyer appointed to my case. I could only get a referral with a case pending. So right now, I'm waiting to find out who that lawyer is.
I don't even know what I want anymore. It sounds strange, I know. I can accept the end of our R - if that's what he wants.
However, in his spitefulness at my court actions against him, he took the money he had placed into "my" account back out. Told me to "find my own money" and "get a job". Now, if the man wants me gone so badly, wouldn't you think he would do everything possible to assist me in moving out? Why take away the only money that I had to use to move out? Irrational. Doesn't make any sense. So now - even if I locate a rental - I HAVE NO MONEY TO MOVE. It's not logical. But then again, that's part of his psychological problems. Not being able to process things rationally.
There's so many different issues here that need to be dealt with. I fear the most difficult times are yet to come.
Let's talk for a minute about what ROs are and are not good for, and the craziness of still being in the house with someone you have a restraining order against.
Sorry Ellie - crosspost.
Yes - this what I said to the officer when I gave him the paperwork. He, too, was in agreement with me saying, and I quote "I don't know what the judge thinks this is going to be good for when people reside together." I shrugged and said "I don't understand either. He's going to go ballistic when he gets these papers."
As for a shelter, I won't go to one. His mother and his father have both offered shelter for me. If it came to that, if comes to me fearing for my safety, I will leave. I've already got a bag packed with things for the kids and myself and stored in the basement in case I feel the need to flee. I'm not stupid. I grew up with violence. I will take the kids and run if it comes to that. I've been trying to maintain stability for the kids, but if it comes down to it - I will leave and go to his mom's. Right now, I can't take the kids out of state, so staying with my family is of the question.
Regarding the pills. Both his vicodin and percoset prescriptions (from the accident) have run out. I saw yesterday that he had a "baggy" with various pills in it. But, he's taken that with him, so I have no way of knowing what was in it or what he's taking.
As for a shelter, I won't go to one. His mother and his father have both offered shelter for me.
If you leave, go to the shelter, nOT his parents. You would be putting his parents in harms way.
The whole reason shelters exist is because the single most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the woman leaves. You've read the stories on the news - woman and kids flee to family or friend's house - abuser shows up and kills family and friends as well as his target. This is why shelter locations are kept very secret.
Maybe at some later date it would be safe to take up his parents' offer, but to go there first would be to invite tragedy. That's why I emphasize going somewhere that he can't trace you. If you go somewhere other than a shelter, he might be able to accuse you of keeping the kids from him. If you're in a shelter you are safe from that accusation, too.
I suspect the reason the judge didn't evict him is because it's his house and you have no legal claim on it at present - he was probably expecting you to move out.
This is getting dangerous for you and for the kids. Please be very careful.
Thanks for asking. The spiteful, vindictive fool deleted my email account last week and I hadn't been able to get on.
He took me going to court pretty nastily, as I thought he would. Was very petty & spiteful. Then the constant calls from OW began. Yesterday alone, there were 19 calls from her. If she got the answering machine, she'd just hang up and call back. She did leave a couple of nasty messages - makes me upset because the kids hear this stuff.
Anway - last week, I was an emotional wreck. By Thursday, he was just being completely impossible to deal with, although it didn't reach the level of Mondays argument. Friday, he had a session with the psychiatrist and he told me "It went badly." He did say the doctor upped his Lexapro dosage.
He also brought home a certified check for several thousand dollars. He had transferred the money out of the account designated for "me" last week when he got served the papers. I said to him that didn't make sense. If he wanted me out so bad, why take the money away? Friday, when he handed me the check, I said I would leave. I packed up some of the kids clothes and headed away - not knowing if I would come back or not, but I had to get out and be away from him for awhile to be able to make some decisions.
Upon clearer thinking, I decided it would be best if I came back. Mostly because I haven't talked to my lawyer yet. I am not going to be forced into making a stupid decision that could cost me in the long run. (Plus I have kids in school). I gave the check to his mother, asking her to hold it for now.
She had told him, as well as me, that me & the girls can come live with her for a while. Now that he knows that, every day he tells me to get out and go live with her. It may be what I end up doing becuase this is just becoming too crazy to live in. But I'm not doing anything until I talk to the lawyer. Just quietly documenting everything.
And even through this, he insists I sleep with him. Not sexually, although THAT too has been an issue. Even last night - came to my room, woke me up and begged me to either let him sleep in there or me go to his room. I was furious. I asked him why he kept doing that. He makes no sense whatsoever. Mixed messages. Makes things very confusing and difficult for me.
Dear God, NM. If you were reading this on another person's thread, you would feel utter shock that someone is putting themselves AND THEIR CHILDREN in harm's way. Over and over. I am really concerned by you still being in this situation.
Even if no one is physically abused, yet, the interaction and environment the children are witnessing just breaks my heart for what they will take away from this time of uncertainty and scariness.
Please listen to Ellie, she is so wise and thought out. You must get the F out of there. This man no longer warrants priority over your children. I'm sorry.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
