HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Penny...those were nice things that your H said to you...all positives...Congrats!!!
Tam
I'm glad that you talked with Jody...it will help you.
Tam, with all due respect, I'm going to throw some tough love out to you...for you to digest, not to hurt you or dismiss your pain...but for you to see what you are doing to yourself. Trust me, if I felt you didn't need it or weren't strong enough, I would not take the time.
The Desperation:
1. Anger, sadness, hurt, crying, rejection, inability to focus, poor self-care, despair, depression, loss of ambition, inability to motivate yourself, lack of mobility to change, dependency. 2. All of the above are "controlled by you and your perceptions of you". 3. Results...it keeps you the "victim" of your negative thoughts that you have about "yourself".
Dependency:
1. Trying to fill your lack of self-worth through someone or something else. 2. Living through someone's strengths as they are your own. 3. It prevents one from taking the responsibilities of their own personal growth. 4. It turns one into an overbearing desire to constantly feed off of the "host" until it literally kills the host or moves on to another richer source of need.
.....................equals the "VICTIM".........................
Tam, you alone are allowing yourself to become this depressed, uncontrollable emotions, person. This is what feels comfortable to you, right now. Unless, you pull yourself out of this pity party or "woe is me" arena - nothing will change. You are most likely doing this to prevent yourself from facing the facts that "it is you - who must change" this road you are on.
This behavior will not bring your husband back to you...so, as long as you insist on crying, sabbotaging your work, not getting any sleep, not eating - you don't have to focus on changing. Does this make any sense to you?
I would like you to try and distance yourself from your emotions for a while. Pick a room in your house...say a bathroom...now put all of the above emotions that you are feeling into this room and close the door....what do you see? What do you feel? Do you feel a little lighter from looking at them from a distance? Now, go and eat something like cake, candy, ice cream, or polish your nails - while looking at the bathroom with your emotions all inside. Try this method every time you feel sorry for your- self - then reward yourself with a treat. The reasoning behind this method is not to ignore your feelings, but to place a lot less emphasis on them by rewarding yourself when you become emotional...each time it becomes easier.
1. Ditto Lin... 2. Wait and do nothing until he mentions it 3. He may invite you or he may go alone 4. If you do go - prepare to win an "Oscar" 5. Do not tell his parents anything at all - you'll kill it 6. Don't expect anything to change by going...it saves him the time to explain why you aren't there 7. By going - it will not "secure" or bring you closer 8. He will continue as he is when he returns 9. The chances of your inability to control yourself will definitely increase two-fold by going.
I know you need to be close to him because you don't see him enough, anymore...read this over and over and see how dependent you are on him...that isn't mentally healthy Tam...not at all. If by being in a building with him makes you feel good and happy within...shows you don't value yourself without him. He does not complete you...only you can do that for yourself.
The reason you can't function is because you live through him. He is your life support...very unhealthy. You feel like you are going to curl up and die without him...very unhealthy.
Tam, my dear friend, schedule that therapy appointment...it is time to work on you...not focus on how hurt you feel or the OW. I would guarantee you, she lets him come and go as he pleases without all the questions and neediness...she probably is very much secure in her own identity and very independent. He was definitely attracted to her.
Now Tam - set the appointment...you need to cut the cord on the tails of your husband and be yourself. Face the fears that are holding you back from becoming a self-assured woman.
You can do this...you did in the beginning of the relationship. You will need help...so set the appointment. The faster you work on you...the better chances you'll have.
Show him your changes by changing...you don't tell him, he needs to see them himself - then, he'll need time to believe they are for real. Don't flaunt yourself...just be...
Quit forcing these "moments" to see him...he sees through that and he probably feels sorry for you to do this. Stop focusing on this for a while...you need to let him go...but you think of anything to make contact with him...every time you do this, he takes a step closer to her...please realize this.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FORCE HIM BACK...EXCEPT CHANGE YOURSELF FROM BEING SO DEPENDENT UPON HIM...
You sound much better today...but your still obsessing over him coming and going, not saying anything to you...SO WHAT!!!
As 1210 said...You can't depend on anyone to make you happy...you have to BE happy!
Also...you don't know that he is sleeping with her everynight...you have no idea what kind of life they are having together...I dreamed my H was screwing his brains out every minute he was with OW....in fact it was not that way...He gave her a token each visit...and then wanted to go out and do things...
I still strongly believe that you are setting yourself up in WANTING him to ask you to go to parents...this is not good for you....it won't be good for him...and it will ulitmately make him glad to come back to her....remember last time!!!!
I don't like sounding so negative to you...but you need to stop all expectations...
As for telling him your getting a life...unless he asks if you if you want to go eat or do something and you have other plans...NO....if you want him to know take some pictures of you and your friends while your out and post them around you at work...this will remind you to be happy for the good times you are having also...
Your focus is still way too much on H...and not nearly enough on YOU...don't think about him...especially with her
Make no mistake I cherish the time I have with H...right now things are stressful because he quit his job and isn't going to look for anything until April!!!...We barely make the bills each month and I am going to be short pay for 2 weeks because of spring break...and my job is being threatened with contracting out...long story but big stress for me right now...
H has been home about a year now...I waited a year just to hear him say "I love you"...I poured myself into our relationship and welcomed him home...I had to endure knowing that he was here out of obligation and wanting to be a family again...he said this included me...but I had to live with the knowledge that he didn't love me...it was very emotionally difficult...sometimes I wondered if I could do this...or if it would really pay off in the end...it was HARD...in some ways harder then his being gone...
So take care...work on YOU...have fun and be happy!!!
Hi guys, Thank you Tam and 1210 for the Happy Birthday. It was nice to have a nice breakfast with out any tension and I think he might have enjoyed a little too. Tam, I guess I was telling you these things to show how when I finally let loose a little how things did change a little at a time. Not saying that I don't talk to him but I'm trying not to be obessive about it. I can tell you that it did feel better and I think it was better for him too. It is the one of the hardest things I think I have had to do but just like Lin and 1210 have been telling you it is the way you have to go.
When 1210 told you this: "The reason you can't function is because you live through him. He is your life support...very unhealthy. You feel like you are going to curl up and die without him...very unhealthy"
This was me also and In real life I wasn't like this at all till I found out about the OW and I was loosing him. It was like you aren't in control and all you think about is this and I won't make it and you let your emotions take over. BUT now you have to take your emotions back and it isn't easy because I have just started and I will tell you it is like a cloud has lifted. I might not have it completely conquered but I have a start. That is what you have to make your mind up to do or you will never get over it and it might make you sick.
I had a really hard making my self no tthink what my H and the OW were doing. It haunted me but you have to not think of it at all. If you start just say I'm not thinking of it. Its negative and I'm thinking Positive. This is for me. You can't improve yourself if you are thinking all negative. It is a slow progress but it is amazing how clear you think when you get rid of just some of the negative thoughts. Give it a good shot and try it.
I agree with Lin you have to focus on you and not Him and what he wants but what is best for you right now. My friends kept telling me that I needed to take care of myself and that is exactly what you need to do....
I would still think about going to his parents. You will have to have your emotions under control if you go.
Just remember you are thinking on how to help YOU. We are here to support you. Hope you are getting a good night sleep. It was great that you dressed up and felt better. He will notice. He might not say anything but he will notice. But most important you are doing it for you to feel better about you.
Can I just tell you how awesome you guys all are? You are truly my lifeline right now, and I can't thank you enough. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to not be able to talk about this in person to any friends, family, etc., and not only that, but to have to answer questions about us/him/etc. - it's horrible... So, thank you all for listening to me when no one else could be here for me.
Heartbroken, thanks for the advice. I have started reading your thread. I wish you all the best in your journey.
1210, as always, thanks for telling me like it is. I understand everything that you're saying. I am still looking for a local therapist and will go to one once I find one I feel comfortable with. I didn't "click" well with the one my doctor recommended. Will keep you posted on that. I know I have a lot to work on on myself. I am too dependent on him, and I am not in control of my emotions. I need to make myself happy and hope that, in turn, that will make him happy, too.
Remember that I am still very "raw" from this whole ordeal. It's only been a week and a half since he told me he didn't want to be married to me anymore. I'm not making excuses, as I know the quicker I get on the bandwagon the quicker I'll get him back. I'm just saying that I'm still grieving heavily right now - the pain is new and fresh and stings. With each new day, I have to pray that that will lessen and that I will get new strength. You all are helping me with that, and I am so very grateful.
I had a fairly good day today and want to tell you about it. H came back after the lunch hour - said nothing to me when he got back. I stayed up in my office. I heard him go and get the mail, and then HE CAME UP TO MY OFFICE to give me my mail. Usually he just leaves it on the stairs for me to get when I go up to my office, but he actually brought it up to me this time and made some comment about something that was in my mail. I didn't look at him immediately when he came in my door and kept working for a moment. Then we just spoke briefly, and he went back to his office. I know this sounds silly, but it's the first time that he's come up to my office since we've been home (except when he brought up my new shredder for me)...
Next, a few hours later he called up to me to ask me if I wanted one of the two pieces of pizza left. I asked him if he was eating it, and he said there were two pieces left and he thought he'd have one and give me one. I said that would be nice. Then he brought it up to me on a plate and napkin. Again, I know this sounds simple, but it meant a lot.
Next, he called me around 5:30. I thought he had left again and was calling me from somewhere, but he was just down in his office. He asked if I had time for a business meeting. I told him I had to go to the bank by 6 but could meet with him after that.
I went to the bank and got back and purposely worked in my office for 15 minutes or so before going down to his office so as not to look anxious to spend time with him.
We talked about business for probably about 45 minutes or so. I had things I needed to go over with him, but I purposely did not! I just let him go over his things, and I was careful to listen to what he was saying and not talk too much.
There is a property that I saw that I've been telling him that I want him to buy for us. We were talking about it today, and he did some research on it and found out that the buildings is already condos... I told him I was disappointed, as I had hoped we woudl be able to buy it. He said something like "sorry, babycakes - I don't know what to tell ya." Again, I know this is simple, but I got another nicety with the "babycakes."
So, when we were winding down *I* asked him if he had anything else - trying to be the one to end the conversation myself. He said he was just checking one more thing, so I waited. Then we finished and I went back to my office. He thanked me.
Oh, almost forgot... So we're sitting there talking, and his cell phone alarm goes off - I think it's the one for when a text message comes through, because his phone didn't ring. He immediately shut it off and didn't miss a beat with our conversation. So my heart breaks in two because I'm sure it's OW texting him... I don't know of anyone else who texts him... BUT, I keep my cool and just ignore it - meanwhile I'm dying inside...
So, the last thing is that I was planning on leaving the office around 8:30 tonight. I thought after our meeting he would probably leave - figured she was texting him to come over or something. Anyway, 8:30 came around, and he was still at the office! So, I told myself that regardless of whether he was still there or not I was going to go home at 8:30. So, when the time came, I walked downstairs, went through his office to the door to leave, and asked him if he wanted me to lock the door behind me. He said yes. I told him to have a good night and that I hoped his meetings in the morning went well. He said thanks. Then, when I started to walk out the door, I noticed that his car light was on. I asked him about it, and he said he must not have shut the door all the way and that it was okay. I told him that I would get it on the way to my car with my "big old bootie" and laughed. He said "whatever" (in a joking way, saying that my bootie isn't big). So I told him again to have a good night and LEFT!
So, I know I'm overanalyzing, but it's out of the ordinary for him to have been there that late. Also, this morning when he got to the office, he looked really tired. Then, there's the fact that he either slept at the office Saturday night or Sunday during the day sometime and the fact that he came to our office on Sunday to watch TV instead of going to her house. Could be reasonable explanations for all of this, but I can only pray that maybe there's problems??? But for all I know, he could just be wrestling with his emotions for me and how to let me down easy... I don't know. He was nice to me all day today when we did talk, so that was nice.
Anyway, like I said, I know these are all really little things, but I felt good about them anyway. Also, I didn't have to take a Xanax today at all!
Oh, also, during our business meeting, he talked to me about some properties that he's meeting people about to get my opinions, etc. He talked about future plans with our business again, and I just played along. I still don't really want to buy any more properties together until we get this mess straightened out but, as you've told me, it's best right now just to go with the flow. If we have to sort things out later, we'll just have more to sort, I guess... But it's nice that he's at least talking about future plans, even if it's with the business. I still just don't think I can do it if he stays with her... But that is NOT going to happen. I AM going to do what it takes to become a better person and win back his heart.
So, I hope I made a little tiny bit of progress today. We'll see how tomorrow goes...
Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement. You guys are the best, and I am so appreciative of your advice and tough love... Thanks for the advice about my emotions and getting them in check and putting them in the bathroom... (Can I put them in the toilet? Ha!) I will try this and let you know how it goes.
Again, I so appreciate all of you taking the time to give me advice and help me to hang in there. Be patient with me, okay? I'm listening, and I don't want to lose him....
See? It's working. The less you approach him, the more he moves towards you. You have proof all the way through your post. Fantastic evidence of the DB philosophy in action.
I do know how raw the pain and grief is and I can only continue to promise you that it is going to get better. It won't happen overnight - but it will happen. With each conversation you end first, with each function you go to on your own, with each decision you make independently, with each extra kilo you lift at the gym, each extra minute you cut on your 4km run - you will grow and get stronger and there will be a little bit less room for grief.
I am so pleased you are looking for a local therapist. Therapy/counselling will really help you. It is a great way to be able to talk through this stuff with a real person and I'm sure it will be a valuable personal development opportunity for you. Try to make that a priority if you can - you can't lose with that.
Tam - I am reluctant to comment too much on your H (because I agree you need to cease and desist on trying to figure out what is going on in his head) but I would like to make one comment about his behaviour based on my experience. Men who are having an affair and considering leaving there marriages do not think straight. What I read in your reports about him indicate to me a bloke who just does not know what he wants and has no idea how he's going to turn this situation around. I don't think he really understands how serious it is or what he's potentially got to lose.
As time goes by you can use his incapacity to understand the ramifcations of his actions to your advantage - but for right now you don't have to hurry. He's not going to be making any big decisions about the marriage or the business in a hurry. He doesn't know how to.
You are in the fantastic position of being able to use this period of his indecision to start to heal yourself. To get a life, to work on your positive mental attitude and to be the best Tam you can be.
Your big life lesson here is PATIENCE. Patience and probably perserverance (I love aliteration!!).
Well done today. You did very well.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I just caught up to you. I was curious what happened. Can't say I'm surprised your H is still seeing OW. I'm sure it's worse that he's saying.
I haven't caught up on anything but your initial, very desperate sounding post. I don't have the energy to retype everything I wrote the first time (my post just disappeared), but here's a rundown of your next 6 months. You play the supportive, loving wife while he continues to feed you lines about have just enough of a "back together again" feel to string you desperately along. He continues to see OW and you turn a blind eye. Two endings: thing with OW ends and he returns to you without remorse and you welcome him back, sacrificing your own principles by swallowing your anger and bitterness until you can't take it any more; or alternatively, he ends up with OW.
Bad future? Yes, because you need to take control of what you can control...yourself. You don't have to stand for this. Being the supportive "little woman" to a cheater is not attractive. It doesn't endear you to him...just makes him feel good that you are so desperate.
Kick him out Get your own life going Go dark on him Have fun Let him wonder why you are so happy without him Make yourself a challenge Think about whether you want a lying, cheater anyway
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just Me, your options are rather limited and kind of dismal in nature! I think there are probably a few others with brighter outcomes. That said, I think what you have mentioned have a number of things big number could use BUT kick him out? I think I would try a few other things and give it some time. If I recall, big number's H just moved back in (if I have read this correctly) and that is a BIG move. I'd advice Tam to be patient and, as you said, control what can be controlled and that is herself. Set some goals, do some things differently and GAL her butt off. That's my 2 cents.
That's fine. Most on here would undoubtedly say that also. It's pretty standard DB fare. There seem to be two types of success story...the patiently supportive kind, and those that finally quit being diplomatic and say, "enough of this, I don't need you. I'm doing my own thing". One just seems a little less doormat like and leads to a reconciliation with more control....rather than walking on eggshells with the "little woman" making sure to please her man this time around.
Ever hear the stories of the guys that beg and plead and come crawling? They are the ones that are kicked to the curb by their wife/gf/whatever. The ones that "stand by their man" through infidelity are the ones that take about forever to get their H back....and usually are most successful once their cheating H finally lost OW or got tired of her. I guess I just struggle with the concept of accepting my spouse cheating on me while I looked the other way. Call me old fashioned.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
P.S. I just have to add this...it's anecdotal, but I've heard it from others as well.
My wife's first husband cheated on her. She gave him a chance, similar to big number, but he screwed up again. She kicked him to the curb...and in her case didn't look back. I'd have to ask her whether she ever regretted it. Anyway, it has been at least 8 years and he still wants her back. While my wife and I were separated, etc, he suddenly became Mr. supportive and interested in your life again. It's what we can't have that drives us guys crazy.....or especially, what we should be able to have, because we used to, but now can't have, that drives us crazy.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just me...I think your outcomes are a little one sided as well...
I did win my H back...it was a year AFTER his A with OW ENDED...there was no crawling back...we both had a lot of painful issues to deal with...I don't think I was a doormat...nor was I insensitive....
I don't think once a cheater always a cheater either...especially if there is a long term history...sometimes things happen to a person emotionally...I saw my H change into someone I didn't know he was capable of being...and someone I know he didn't really like being...that being said he is coming around....he is sorry...and has expressed that there is a lot of internal guilt that he is now dealing with....just because he didn't crawl and beg back doesn't mean he didn't feel it inside...people grieve in different ways....and I feel this was a sort of grieving process for him and me...
Her H isn't living with her...he came back briefly and left...he wasn't/isn't ready...too much confusion going on in his head...and as I have tried to explain to her...she needs this time on her own to get her self straight...separation can be a good thing...even if the other wastes it on an A...
Tam...You did great yesterday...give him space...give him time...focus on you....you did all of that in one day....and you have seen results....but don't count on them everytime....MLC'ers are totally unpredictable...when they get to the predictable point...that is usually when they are ready to come back or you realize you don't want them back...
I see a tremendous amount of hope in your situation...much more then I saw in my own for the first 1 1/2 years H was gone!
