Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

[81388*]

After a long and dark weekend, I am back.

My last thread was about my perceived "life of Job", this one is about choosing a new path.

My brother has been declared healthy, and blood clot free. He has made some great strides towards a healthier lifestyle as well. My BIL has had the brain tumor diagnosed and it is very good news. Not only is the unknown now known, but it looks like he will die with a brain tumor-just about the time he dies at a ripe old age of something else- meaning they may not be able to get rid of it, but they know how to manage it. He took his wife to vegas and celebrated the good news.

I have gotten so much strength from these situations. My BIL had such a clear vision of what he wanted HIS life to look like and was not willing to accept some cheap look alike life. His words, "if I gotta go, I'm goin down swinging, I just need to get everything in place so that I can kick this thing's ass!"

I decided that is the place I need to be.

My wife came by the house tonight, visited with all the kids, picked up some more clothes. She didn't stay long, but seemed sad while she was here. The kids, God bless them, are much better at DBing and detachment then I am, they all jumped up and gave hugs when she got here, but quickly resumed homework and various other projects and really didn't pay much attention to her. When she announced she was leaving, they again all came in and gave her hugs and kisses and "see ya laters", then went back about their business-even S6 went right back to his book, and asked if we could read together before he went to bed.

As my wife left, she again was very sad, but I ignored it and followed her out and asked what day she was off this week? maybe we could get together and talk about finances and the calander. We don't have a separation agreement and we havn't discussed who is paying what and when does she want the kids at her place. She told me that today was her day off, which leads me to believe that she just got back from dropping OM off at the airport. So I told her any time would be fine, just let me know, and turned to walk back in the house.

I wanted to stick to that plan, but it was obvious that she was crying, so I walked out to her truck and opened her door and told her "don't for a second think that we, that I, don't miss you. I want you to be happy and this is what you said you need to do to be happy. I want you to be happy for you, I will not put what I think and feel in the middle of that. You need to decide for yourself how to be happy." I gave her a pat on the back and walked back inside the house. She was crying and saying "I know", while I talked to her.

I just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hold her and make everything better, to kiss away her tears and reassure her that it would be OK, but at the same time knew that I couldn't, that it wouldn't make things better at all. This is all so damn FRUSTRATING! What I want to do I shouldn't, and what I don't want to do I should. I want this, I want that, IIIIIIIIIIII!

I was going through some pics on the computer and found one of my wife on christmas eve when we were skating together. The pain and sorrow and sadness in her eyes brings tears to mine. I printed a copy and keep it next to my bed to remind me of how much she hurts.

What path do I really want?

I want to be happy and healthy.

I want to be a great father to my wonderful children.

I want my wife, the love of my life to be happy with who she is and where she is.

I want to stop reacting and start living again.

I want my family restored.

But even if that last request is not granted, I have been given everything I need to accomplish the other with or without my wife.