HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Penny...those were nice things that your H said to you...all positives...Congrats!!!
Tam
I'm glad that you talked with Jody...it will help you.
Tam, with all due respect, I'm going to throw some tough love out to you...for you to digest, not to hurt you or dismiss your pain...but for you to see what you are doing to yourself. Trust me, if I felt you didn't need it or weren't strong enough, I would not take the time.
The Desperation:
1. Anger, sadness, hurt, crying, rejection, inability to focus, poor self-care, despair, depression, loss of ambition, inability to motivate yourself, lack of mobility to change, dependency. 2. All of the above are "controlled by you and your perceptions of you". 3. Results...it keeps you the "victim" of your negative thoughts that you have about "yourself".
Dependency:
1. Trying to fill your lack of self-worth through someone or something else. 2. Living through someone's strengths as they are your own. 3. It prevents one from taking the responsibilities of their own personal growth. 4. It turns one into an overbearing desire to constantly feed off of the "host" until it literally kills the host or moves on to another richer source of need.
.....................equals the "VICTIM".........................
Tam, you alone are allowing yourself to become this depressed, uncontrollable emotions, person. This is what feels comfortable to you, right now. Unless, you pull yourself out of this pity party or "woe is me" arena - nothing will change. You are most likely doing this to prevent yourself from facing the facts that "it is you - who must change" this road you are on.
This behavior will not bring your husband back to you...so, as long as you insist on crying, sabbotaging your work, not getting any sleep, not eating - you don't have to focus on changing. Does this make any sense to you?
I would like you to try and distance yourself from your emotions for a while. Pick a room in your house...say a bathroom...now put all of the above emotions that you are feeling into this room and close the door....what do you see? What do you feel? Do you feel a little lighter from looking at them from a distance? Now, go and eat something like cake, candy, ice cream, or polish your nails - while looking at the bathroom with your emotions all inside. Try this method every time you feel sorry for your- self - then reward yourself with a treat. The reasoning behind this method is not to ignore your feelings, but to place a lot less emphasis on them by rewarding yourself when you become emotional...each time it becomes easier.
1. Ditto Lin... 2. Wait and do nothing until he mentions it 3. He may invite you or he may go alone 4. If you do go - prepare to win an "Oscar" 5. Do not tell his parents anything at all - you'll kill it 6. Don't expect anything to change by going...it saves him the time to explain why you aren't there 7. By going - it will not "secure" or bring you closer 8. He will continue as he is when he returns 9. The chances of your inability to control yourself will definitely increase two-fold by going.
I know you need to be close to him because you don't see him enough, anymore...read this over and over and see how dependent you are on him...that isn't mentally healthy Tam...not at all. If by being in a building with him makes you feel good and happy within...shows you don't value yourself without him. He does not complete you...only you can do that for yourself.
The reason you can't function is because you live through him. He is your life support...very unhealthy. You feel like you are going to curl up and die without him...very unhealthy.
Tam, my dear friend, schedule that therapy appointment...it is time to work on you...not focus on how hurt you feel or the OW. I would guarantee you, she lets him come and go as he pleases without all the questions and neediness...she probably is very much secure in her own identity and very independent. He was definitely attracted to her.
Now Tam - set the appointment...you need to cut the cord on the tails of your husband and be yourself. Face the fears that are holding you back from becoming a self-assured woman.
You can do this...you did in the beginning of the relationship. You will need help...so set the appointment. The faster you work on you...the better chances you'll have.
Show him your changes by changing...you don't tell him, he needs to see them himself - then, he'll need time to believe they are for real. Don't flaunt yourself...just be...
Quit forcing these "moments" to see him...he sees through that and he probably feels sorry for you to do this. Stop focusing on this for a while...you need to let him go...but you think of anything to make contact with him...every time you do this, he takes a step closer to her...please realize this.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO FORCE HIM BACK...EXCEPT CHANGE YOURSELF FROM BEING SO DEPENDENT UPON HIM...
