I wasn’t trying to dodge your question. I was actually having a hard time understanding what you meant. I agree with what you that HD needs to ask MsHD to state her explicit desire to stay in the marriage. Certainly no harm in trying. My guess is that she has one foot out the door because that is what makes her feel safe an in control, not that she wants out of the marriage. I have not hard evidence for thinking she wants in or out. I am basing a lot of my opinions on how my wife reacted.
A few times in counseling we were able to ask my W point blank what she wanted, after all she was doing plenty of complaining. She did the usual deflection thing, but once we got past all that, she could not answer. Literally!
She has said she will not commit to that change. So what WILL she commit to, if anything? If she will not commit to anything, then what is the evidence that she wants the marriage to succeed? The fact that she hasn't left yet is clearly not very strong evidence. That can just be inertia.
I agree, but it can also be fear. I think she is scared to move in any direction. This was certainly my wife. She had valid complaints at one time, but after I addressed them she little else to complain about. But she still was not happy, still did not think she wanted to be married. When it came to D, she decided she did not want that either. What does all that mean? Is it really inertia? I was pushing her pretty damn hard to move one way or the other.
She has got to stick her neck out in some miniscule way at some point.
No, I think there is another option for her, and that is to just stay where she is, in limbo. Remember, she is not high on self esteem either, so pursuing her own happiness is not a comfortable position for her to be in. If D were clearly the way to her own peace and happiness then I think she would be working toward it. But I don’t see any signs she is doing that. She just wants to stay in her own little world, not bothered by anyone.
HD said: Lil: I don't think she wants it to fail. Mostly because of DD5 - W is likely very concerned about DD5's adoption/abandonment issues, and, truth be told, she knows that I am a good father and certainly better to keep around than to have all those issues to have to deal with regard to DD5.
You should get some security out of this knowledge. This might e another sign she does not want D.
To her credit, W tried many times to be inclusive/loving toward them, but she often felt betrayed by their habit of telling their mom everything that was going on at my house, and hearing it somehow regurgitated negatively by my ex to W over the phone, or over a phone message, or via email.
HD, this is no small matter. It is no different that a man refusing to stand up to his mother and protecting his wife. Of course your wife feels betrayed, not only by your kids but by you. Have you told you ex and your kids that you will not tolerate such talk about your wife? If not, heck even if you have, do it again, and this time be sure to lay down the lay in front of your wife. She needs to hear and see you protect her.
I tried to foster the relationship, to smooth things over between all involved (trying to be the peacemaker),
Peacemaker for whose sake? Yours or your wife’s? Does she get any comfort out of your attempts to smooth ruffled feathers? Do you take a stand on her behalf? If not, then you are implicitly siding with the kids over her. You need to lay some ground rules with the kids that this is disrespectful and you will not tolerate it, no more than you would tolerate them criticizing you.
Did you read my post to Choc, where I mentioned that both he and his wife were taking turns playing martyr? Do you see some of this going on here? Your kids and your wife are in a cold war and you are trying to self protect and stay out of fire. That makes both sides resort to passive aggressive behavior and start playing into that helpless, angry victim cycle. You are the common element here. You are the leader. You need to stand up and stop this.
It's harder for W. Still, if she were able to take things less personally, as she did earlier in the relationship, it would be easier for everyone.
It would be easier for her to take things less personally if she knew YOU were committed and did not have one foot out the door. You’ve got to start changing your passive aggressiveness HD. You are killing your marriage.
