2)Get her in touch with her feelings and what she really wants (which is to be loved). Awfully presumptuous of me to try to get her to do this, don't you think? She'll either decide to do this for herself, or not.
I agree that it is presumptuous. But I also think it a forgone conclusion that she will not do this if she doesn’t have to, and if she doesn’t the marriage will not advance. This appears like a lose-lose situation and is what I was facing too. But as my W and I faced the real threat of D, I think we both came to realize that if we did not want the marriage to fail, we both had to get in touch with our feelings and our vulnerability. We had to step into that crucible and make a choice. I don’t know if MsHD can do that, but then it becomes your call as to whether you can live with her avoidance.
3) Get you two on the same team by appealing to her needs. I'm trying to show her we're on the same team. I've been playing by her rules, and it hasn't brought us together. I can SHOW her that we're on the same team by being honest with her, and by being true to myself.
Playing by her rules does not mean you are on the same team. You are on HER team. She has got to share ownership, share the rule making, share authority, etc. I am assuming that will be scary for her. So before she can share those responsibilities, she needs to feel safe. That is what I was trying to do.
I understand that you are trying to be true. She says she wants you to do this, but her meaning of “true” is for you to see HER truth, not yours. Your truth is a threat to her because it undermines her control and causes her to see things she does not want to see. That will make her hesitant to share power, which is how she feels safe. It is a nice little catch-22 she has woven for you and a thin line for you to walk.
