OK, I hear what you’re saying. I was trying to think of a way to do three things:
1) Agree on a common objective to set the path for you two to take, knowing that she will try to jump off later. Could either of you say what this common objective is right now? 2) Get her in touch with her feelings and what she really wants (which is to be loved, not to have a buddy). I see this as a requirement for point 1, but it may take a longtime to do this. 3) Get you two on the same team be appealing to her needs.
I suppose the other route, which I had to take, is to be more confrontational and tenacious, and in so doing prove to her how much you care. I just think there will be lots of times when you will have to do this.
I also think your letter is just pushing on an issue she is trying to shut down. I don’t see it making much difference whether you get sex or not. I doubt you do. So without a counterbalancing feeling in her that you are on her team, I’m not quite sure what bringing up the sex issue will accomplish. I do think you need to keep that issue alive, but maybe for the bigger war, not this initial skirmish?
Poster: hairdog Subject: Re: Still Alive IV: Hairdog
Now, now, lil. If Cemar heard it on TV, it must be true. At least now, I can explain it to Ms.Hdog.
Hairdog
Actually, it IS true, in my case. I definitely stopped trying as hard on the financial stuff when I got depressed over the lack of affection, and just started stewing in resent. Yep -- definitely came first.
Also about my first letter proposal, I’m trying to think of a way to keep the fur from flying too soon. Yes, I do think HD needs to be ready to get tough. That does not mean he should do so unless he has to. Having that resolve will help him have more confidence. If MrsHD is willing to communicate on a civil level, give that a chance. If not, then he can get tough. I say keep that hand under the table for now.
This woman needs validation and acknowledgment desperately. There’s got to be some way to add that into the letter.
Cemar, I can name two specific examples where your theory doesn't hold water.
1) My R with H. He and I have extremely similar spending habits. Money has NEVER been an issue for us. I've already elaborated on the specifics of our M problems. H's spending habits have not changed one bit during the course of our R. And you all know how sex-starved he was.
2) My parents' R. My father was financially irresponsible long before he met my mother. He lived at home with his parents until their marriage (he was 29) while mother was on her own from the time she was 18. At the time of their marriage, she had more money saved than he did. My mother may have driven him to a number of things, but financial irresponsibility wasn't one of them. I suspect, however, that he had been more financially responsible she would have respected him more. She definitely always viewed him as another "child" she had to take care of and on whom she could not depend.
I believe that a person's spending habits are formed before they are an adult. I just don't believe that being in a bad R or M "causes" people to be financially irresponsible. IMO, a person who is a spender after a sexless R is a person who was a spender before the sexless R.
Cobra: 1)Agree on a common objective. Have a strong marriage in which both partners can be true to themselves and each other. I'm walking the talk on that one, by sending the email. 2)Get her in touch with her feelings and what she really wants (which is to be loved). Awfully presumptuous of me to try to get her to do this, don't you think? She'll either decide to do this for herself, or not. 3) Get you two on the same team by appealing to her needs. I'm trying to show her we're on the same team. I've been playing by her rules, and it hasn't brought us together. I can SHOW her that we're on the same team by being honest with her, and by being true to myself.
And you know, Cobra, the letter is not necessarily about sex. It's about choices, willingness, and what a spouse might do to show the other partner that they are committed to the relationship.
And you know, Cobra, the letter is not necessarily about sex. It's about choices, willingness, and what a spouse might do to show the other partner that they are committed to the relationship.
I agree. This is about BEHAVIORAL change, a commitment to DOING something different. Mrs. Hd's internal life, her reasons, her excuses... these are HER business, not hairdog's. He cannot control or change them. All he can do is ask for visible change, not internal change.
I agree. This is about BEHAVIORAL change, a commitment to DOING something different. Mrs. Hd's internal life, her reasons, her excuses... these are HER business, not hairdog's. He cannot control or change them. All he can do is ask for visible change, not internal change.
