If I ruled the world...

[Valentine]

JOurnaling:

Interesting weekend and Friday too....Friday went to lunch with LL and he was double-speaking to me the entire time. He always talks about one friend (Bobby) and somewhat applies the situation to us.

This friend has a wife (whom he is divorcing) and a girlfriend who lives in the house with said friend and they have a 3 month old. Yeah, I know...how the hell is this sitch like mine? Anyhoo, LL talked about how Bobby's family hates the gf b/c they feel she is a home-wrecker and LL says that if HE were the one to do it, he would hear it from his mom......Um, yeah, whatever......LL says that the gf believed that if she had a kid, then she would be "in" and have more power. I said that I was naive once and that I believed that too. Now I no longer believe that. He said, oh but we're married and your situation would be different of the gf. I said it didn't matter, it was a total non-issue now. I wanted to say more but I didn't. He got very quiet and said, yeah, very quietly. We talked about visiting the relatives by ourselves...he to his, me to mine.

He went on to say that when you marry someone you marry their whole family. I said, no you don't, you only marry the one person, the family is gonna be a bonus or a curse. We all know which one I got. He said that if Bobby's gf loved Bobby enough, she would accept her situation and move on. I said, that is ridiculous, she shouldn't have to defend herself to his family. If HE loved HER enough, he would allow his family to talk trash about her....so then it occurs to me that he is talking about himself and that I should just accept his family on face value. See, but I ALREADY DID THAT from the beginning. Whatever.

LL has issues.

He then came over the next day with his ankle hurting from his ride and so I "fixed" it for him and he was reminiscing about when I would go save him when he had problems on his rides.

He always talks about the past so wistfully. Seems like he cannot bear to be in the present. He calls me to see if I am alright. He calls to check on the dogs.

I went to therapy session on Saturday and asked my therapist why I feel so indifferent to him sometimes? Am I falling out of love with him? She said no, it's just that he is orbiting around me and with each orbit he moves in closer and closer to me. Except that he really isn't giving me what I need...he dances around the real issues and that leaves me feeling unfulfilled. You know what? She is right. He never wants to come out and say it, in 3 sentences or less. He wants to soliloquize it to death. And I just want closure and I want to talk about the real issues, but he cannot seem to do it. Wonder if he ever will....