Just wanted to check in and say hello. I got some better sleep last night. I set my alarm early to get up to go to the gym but felt so tired still when it went off that I just turned it off and gave myself permission to sleep in. I didn't wake up until 9:30! It was nice.

Didn't have to take a Xanax this morning! Yeah! Felt weak and thought I might should take one but wasn't weepy like usual, so I just let it go.

I got dressed up nice today and came in to the office. H's car wasn't here... But he's here now.

Of course he didn't even come in to say hello to me... So, I decided before he left without saying anything again that I at least needed him to see that I was dressed up and looked well-rested, right? \:\) So I got some bills out that I needed to give him and just went down to his office and said hi and gave them to him. He looks really tired today. Maybe he just woke up??? He didn't sleep here last night, so I'm sure he was with her...

Anyway, he made a joke about the spelling of our last name on one of the pieces of paper, and we laughed together. Then I asked him just a couple of business questions and then promptly went back to my office! Now that I've at least seen him today, I'm going to work hard on just staying up in my office and not approaching him any more today. We'll see if he does anything... I know it's going to take time of giving him space before I make any headway and that I can't get disappointed every time he just leaves... PATIENCE!!!

I'll be starting a women's bowling league in May, so I'm looking forward to that. I also heard back from my good friend that I called yesterday about getting a group of girls together weekly for girls' night. She thought it was a good idea, so we're going to organize that over the next couple of weeks, so that will be good.

I'm still hurting a lot today - the pain of knowing your H is sleeping with someone else day after day and that you just have to wait and be strong when you don't feel like it and put on a happy face when you don't feel like it - it's just so hard... Like I keep saying, I just want my life back - but a better, more stable and healthy life. I want PEACE in my heart again. I'm so very tired of hurting and feeling this brick on my chest day after day after day. And the controlling part of me that doesn't have any idea when or how this is all going to end is just killing me! PATIENCE.... PATIENCE....

I called Michele's office this morning to see if they have any way of knowing what therapists in my area have been trained on Michele's techniques. They said they no longer give out referrals, that that didn't always work out in the past. I got the name of someone through another therapist here locally who thinks she might have been trained in Michele's methods. I have a call in to her. Will let you know.

Today I'm going to work on doing some focused work for at least several hours. I am really getting buried in work and absolutely have to get caught up on some things. I'm going to ignore my phone for a good part of the day and just let it go to voicemail and return calls later.

Let me know what I should do about tomorrow night with the girls. Do I tell him about it?

Also, I have to pass right by his office if I leave the office. Do I just walk by him without saying anything if I leave and he's here? Or do I just politely say "see you later" or something like that? I want to be pleasant and not treat him like he's treating me in that regard, but I also know that I need to not be quite as friendly as I have been. What is a good compromise?

Oh, I've been meaning to tell you another thing that Jody said on our call. We got to talking about the guilt that H must feel. I told her that H has said that he doesn't feel guilty and that that makes him feel bad that he DOESN'T feel guilty. Of course that tore my heart apart... Jody said, "Well, I guess that's not the man you married then, is it?" She's right. There just is no way that he could not feel guilty for being in this situation. I can see it in his eyes - or I should say his lack of eyes, as he can hardly ever made eye contact with me if we're talking about the R. Business - great. R - no.

Well, I'm going to try to overload my aching heart with work now. H is still here, so I'm going to enjoy just being in his distant presence and stay isolated in my office and see how the day progresses from here...

God give me strength...