Your list has all to do with soothing your emotions, her has not one speck of emotionality to it. Your lists are similar to what my wife and I first drew up long ago, except that hers centered around the kids. Nothing about what she wanted to make her happy, rather hiding her needs behind those of the kids.
Yeah, for the most part - when this was an issue, the boundary she kept disrespecting was that I didn't want her to try to talk with me after I was asleep.
Another crack in her shell, perhaps?
As for your letter….. well…. It sounds a little confrontational, don’t you think? Puts her on the spot. I know that sounds contradictory to what I have been saying, but I do not propose picking a fight, just not backing down from one.
Perhaps this letter should lay out the bigger objectives on where you want to go. To me, that means defining the broader, more general goals, something she can easily agree to. To further my idea of talking right past her defenses and touching on things closer to her heart, how about something like the following. Bear in mind that a lot of what I wrote may be pure BS, but she doesn’t know that. She has no idea what is going on in your mind. So let her make the assumption that you think she has been trying really hard to be a good wife. Sure, she will think you are off your rocker, but she might start to look to see in herself what you claim to be seeing. That kind of introspection can’t be all bad.
Dear W,
Thanks for your heartfelt response. I can see within your words how much you want a loving and caring marriage, and how much you truly love me. I am touched. Your email has been on my mind a lot recently, but I needed it to sit for awhile before responding. I can tell that you are a little hesitant with letting the depth of your love for me come out, so let me proposed the following:
That we both make an effort to be honest and compassionate in expressing our love and concern for one another, and that we put those loving thoughts foremost in our mind each day.
That we each try to find ways to understand and respect one another on ever deeper levels and commit to our journey together, knowing that our exploration is as a team.
That we find new ways to soothe and support each other as we face our fears through the trials and tribulations of everyday life as we journey forth to seek the happiness and security we both want.
Because I care for you I am trying to become more of the man you want and deserve. I ask for your guidance to help me in my growth, just as I know you have tried so hard to become the loving, compassionate, but strong wife that I so want. I admire the efforts you have made and the patience you have shown, especially after so much hardship that you have had to bear over the years. Your introspection of your hurts and fears gives me the confidence to provide the strength you deserve in a husband. Plus, if there is one thing I've learned from you and from your chosen religion, it is that we, both separately and as a couple, are ever-changing, like a river. I do not want to assume that your opinion is static, whether it's your opinion on sex, desserts, or religion.
