First, a little housekeeping: Mrs.cac4, my situation with regard to kids is that I have three kids from a prior marriage (2 boys, ages 17, 15, and 1 girl, 11), and my W and I adopted our 5 year old daughter from China when she was 1 1/2 years old. I have custody of the older three kids from Wednesday evening until Saturday/Sunday morning (it alternates, weekly).
Second: Corri, my dear friend, I got a little emotional reading your suggestion about buying a sailboat. Partially, because you know about my passion for sailing and have remembered it. Partially, because it's the time of year when I used to be getting my boat ready and putting it in the lake, and I still remember the excitement of it. Unfortunately, there's no room in my life for a boat right now. Money and time are the culprits. With upcoming college expenses and with my current responsibilities at home and work, there's just no time. When I do get my boat, I want to do it right. But thanks for the idea, regardless.
Third: what a cluster-fark of conflicting ideas/advice this topic has become! I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. I think everyone has made some valid points, and, of course, thank you all. Here are some of my thoughts: Mrs.cac4 - your (and others) views about the type of fear my W has with relationships/intimacy/vulnerability has been of great help to me. I find myself thinking about her as the enemy, getting angry, and then coming back to your analysis of her email and trying to be more compassionate. It helps.
blackfoot: your post was a great mix of positive spin, practical considerations, motivation, and, of course, humor. Your (and others') observation that her CHOICES are part of what's behind the current situation helped me over the weekend. Of course, it's also part of why I'd start to get angry with her, but that's okay.
Mrs.Nop (and Cobra, too): your post(in response to Corri's boat suggestion) was hard to read. At first, I found myself saying, "no way...I am not irresponsible!" Then, the decompensating type 6 in me said, "I am an incompetent jerk, what a burden I am." Currently, I'm somewhere in the middle. I know I made some costly financial moves early on. To some extent, we are still trying to catch up on some of them (e.g. inadequate funding of college accounts). Have I made any financial missteps recently? Probably not for the last two or more years. Part of this is because W controls the budget. Part of it is because I'm very aware of finances.
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She has assigned household duties to him and calls him at work to chew him out when the bathroom towels aren't hung just so, so she has no respect for him as an autonomous adult.
Division of the household duties was an agreement we reached in MC, at least with regard to cleaning. My part in this issue (general household stuff, and autonomous adult) occurs when I fail to follow through on a responsibility to which I've agreed or committed. I'm doing better at this, but I still drop the ball from time to time.
With regard to her view of my value as a parent, it seems to run in cycles. Sometimes she thinks I'm doing great, sometimes she thinks I'm not. Lately, I've been pretty confident in my own abilities as a father, and maybe because of this, she's been less critical in this area.
Deceptions? Yep. Guilty as charged. This is a habit I got into with my ex, and it's hard to break. I don't want to overstate it, though. While the "sin" of lying is big, the lies/omissions have, of late, been about minor things. I realize, however, that it doesn't matter. I just need to tell her the truth, no matter what.
Cobra: your most recent post really hit home. My W's view of the world...yeah. Your observation about how her treatment of me, and our current situation involves her "self protection" is similar to, for example, mrs.cac4's view of her.
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I believe that HD needs to directly address and resolve every single issue on the list. Then he needs to treat each one like is has been resolved and settled.
How do you suggest I "directly address" these issues? Just a statement, like "I know you have problems with the way I have done x, y, and z. I see my part as a, b, and c." Resolved? Help me understand. I guess I am having trouble figuring out how W is going to see anything as "resolved and settled." There is no way that I can, after that point, lead a "perfect" life. I will drop a ball occasionally. I may forget a meeting. I may blow off cleaning the house one Sunday because I was consumed with doing yard work instead. I may slip up and omit telling her something because I decide that I'd rather take a chance with her not finding out about it, than listening to her complain about something. And then, she will cite my current behavior, dredge up my similar behavior from the past, and we are (in her mind) back at square one.
I've been there before. I've thought to myself, "you know, Hairdog, you haven't farked up recently. You've done all your duties, done them well, haven't omitted or deceived. Haven't misspent. She seems happy." And then, if I initiate, there's always some other reason (back to the 'tired and stressed' or countless others).
So yeah, I'm willing to consider your plan, Cobra. I think, though, that it's more because I see my DD5 as being the one who suffers most if W and I split up, than because I have any expectation of anything resembling "success" with it.
Finally, this weekend was average. We had tickets to a jazz concert Saturday (which was awesome) and we went out to dinner before it. We did not discuss the email exchange, but I was prepared to tell her that I want to respond to her email, but that I want to do it in writing. And, my response to her will be, basically, to ask for some clarification. She has said fairly clearly what she is NOT willing to do, or not willing to agree to. What, if anything, is she willing to do/try/agree?
Some of you think I need to drop the sex issue. I don't want to do that. I am at a place right now where I am very vulnerable to infidelity. And not because there are any immediate prospects on the scene. I'm just about to explode. Emotionally. Physically. I need to know how far she's willing to push this "unwillingness". Because, my compassion for her childhood, for her fears, for her sexual rejection, is not without limits. I think the crucible is here.
