I'm Back

[InHisHands]

Thanks. The reading has helped. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I was so deeply damaged even before I met my H, between my childhood and twenty years of bad decisions, that I'm possibly the exception that proves the rule. I cannot seem to recover no matter how much I try to re-direct my thoughts. I talked to my doctor and apparently each episode of depression is more severe than the one before it, so I guess trying to do this without medication is a bad idea.

I'm just so angry at life right now. In the past seven months my husband has had an affair then walked out on me, my mother moved away, I had to give up my dreams of making family a priority and find a real job (on the plus side, I have been promoted to CFO at my new company), and my best friend died in December of cancer. That's the last seven months, now I'm in the middle of my own cancer scare (more tests tomorrow) and I'm looking back on my life and I'm just angry. I'm partly angry at myself and partly angry at God and mostly angry at the man who was supposed to love and protect me.

He is a dream husband and has been since January. He was making some efforts from Oct-Dec, but January he really turned around and became the kind of man any woman would be thrilled to have as a husband, and now I'm just going through the motions as much as possible and making his life Hell far too often. He feels so horrible about everything, you would think that would be enough for me, but I'm so tired of starting over, picking myself up and believing in better things to come. Every time I do I just get knocked down harder and I'm ready to admit that life has kicked my a$$.

I just needed to write a little. I think I'll start posting more often again just to see if getting it out will help at all. Of course, the advice is always great and I will do my best to try anything anyone recommends. I'm stuck and willing to try anything at this point.