As usual, thanks so much, Virginia. You are such an angel. It's so nice to have such caring people looking in from the outside who can give me some perspective on all of this crap...

I agree with what you and Lin have said about why he's not talking to me. I know he's in turmoil - even if he says he's not. He says he's decided he wants to be with her instead of me and that he doesn't want to be married to me, but the other day during my meltdown he said I could keep some hope in my heart, the next day saying that he hadn't given up on us completely yet. I just have to hope that he is confused rather than that he's made up his mind for good. At least if there is confusion and doubt I am still in the running, right?

I realize that the more I contain myself and be confident and fun yet aloof around him that he will eventually feel safer around me and not be worried about being sideswiped by my psycho questioning side all the time. That I realize will take time, and I just have to keep practicing it. I can only hope, though, that when we do get through all of this that we will be able to find a way to effectively communicate with each other. I hope that you all will help me with that when the time comes...

Regarding my work, I already HAVE been letting it go and just doing the bare minimum - since November! \:\( As you pointed out, I don't fail at things; I'm not a quitter. I'm a perfectionist and people count on me... That's the problem; it's not that it's only been a week or so that this has been happening; it's been months now... I have told H several times that I'm having such a hard time focusing on my work, and he has told me that that is all he CAN focus on. Well, good for him. I'm so glad that he can keep working away and do such a great job while my whole world is falling apart...

Referring to the doctor, he did tell me that one of the meds he gave me would help with my concentration - I guess it will calm my nerves some? I just haven't really felt that too much yet, so that is what I want to ask him about. The Xanax does wonders to numb me and put me in la-la land for a short time, but then it wears off, which I know is a good thing. I just feel like I need something to be able to keep my mood a little bit more even-keeled throughout the day.

Thanks for the ideas about sleep, Virginia. I think part of my problem may be that I've been reading my DB and other books at night before I go to sleep. Thus, I'm going to sleep with negative/challenging/etc. thoughts on my mind. When he was gone the first time, I usually watched some TV at night to get my mind OFF things, and I was sleeping much better. I may try still reading some at night but then either reading something lighter before going to sleep or watching a little TV. I'll see if that helps.

The mornings have been the worst so far for some reason. I usually wake up in a state of panic and have to take my Xanax to even start the day... I usually cry in the shower every morning - it's all I can do to just get ready to face the day.

Yes, I know exercising again will help. I also want to go out and buy some new clothes soon, too. I've been putting that off and really want to do it, especially now that I've lost some more weight! Ha! There IS some good that comes out of stress, right? NEW, SMALLER CLOTHES!!! LOL

I still don't know about the business. I'm really torn on that one. The other day he asked me about the old shredder we replaced in my office as far as what I wanted to do with the old one. He said something about whether I thought our assistant would use it. Well, we don't yet have a new assistant but were talking before and on the trip about getting one. I haven't brought it up since, as it doesn't really make sense to me to even go there right now. But HE's the one who brought it up. I just played stupid and asked if the assistant would be at the job site or at our office, and he said probably our office, so I said fine, to go ahead and put it in our office for the assistant and let it go.

He also told me the other day that it would be nice when I wasn't having to take so many calls from potential residents anymore after we get our project full. But then he said that he would have new purchases lined up for me to handle by then... I laughed and told him that I never get any rest, do I?

So when he says these things, it makes me feel torn. On the one hand, I AM glad that he is talking about the future of the business and doing it TOGETHER. On the other hand, I'm worried that he thinks that I'm going to be willing to end our R and continue on the business with him, and as I've mentioned, I don't think that is what I want. On the third hand :), I am hopeful that we will continue the business and that we'll continue it as husband and wife.

So, are you absolutely sure that it's not appropriate for me to tell him my thoughts about my potentially NOT wanting to continue the business if we don't stay together? Am I leading him on by not doing so? And am I even wrong to feel that I potentially don't feel like I want to continue the business without him? I just don't know...

I LOVE what we do in business together - we truly are a great team. And we're so very close to getting to the point where we wanted to be - that's why this is so hard. At the same time, a lot of the reason I did all of this business was for OUR dreams and goals, not for him to shatter those and share our good work with someone else. But he's angry at me for feeling that way. Do you think HE would enjoy working in the business while watching ME share that success with another man? I don't know; maybe he wouldn't care...

Anyway, I'm off now to read a gossip magazine before bed to see if that helps tonight... \:\) Thank you all again for supporting me and seeing me through this. I would honestly lose my mind without you...