You did really well in organising dinner with friends, calling about bowling leagues and trying to set up some new arrangements with the girls. I'm so proud of you for putting in place some mechanisms that will give you some down time from thinking about your situation/marriage. Well done.
I'm sorry he didn't talk to you this morning. I think his behaviour demonstrates the turmoil he is in more so than what he is thinking about you. He probably woke up, realised you were there and thought "bugger - I don't want to have to explain why I'm sleeping here - I'll just leave and I won't have to talk about it" - because that's what men do, particularly men who are in crisis. They avoid dealing with their feelings and they avoid having to justify their actions. You have already identified that about your relaitonship - you talk everything to death, he grabs a beer, focusses on peeling the label and replies without conviction. He just didn't want to go there today.
And you know what? That's OK. He can stop talking if he likes. It's kind of bad manners. It doesn't reflect very well on his state of mind, but it's his choice and decision to behave in that way and it reflects on him - not on you.
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I'm really scared about my work. I just CANNOT focus - or I guess I refuse to.
Tam - you need to give yourself a break. You are beating yourself up needlessly about work/sleep/backsliding/dbing. There is no way that you can be working at optimal capacity when you have this stuff going on in your life. Can you just accept that for the time being? I know you still want to be perfect. I know that it makes you feel even more stressed that things are falling through the cracks - but just for today, no how about just for this week - give yourself a break. Do what you can - what you absolutely have to, and let the rest go. What's the worst thing that can happen if you give yourself a break? You make a few $$ less? You pay some penalty? Write it off. When you look back on this part of your life it's not going to be the calls you forgot to make that you reflect on. Please be kind to yourself over this - yes?
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I need to be able to concentrate. I will ask the doctor about this when I meet with him again to see if there is something I can take to help with this.
Wow - if he has something that works for that - patent it!!! There is no magic pill my friend. There is nothing that is going to make this go away, except your diligent and concerted effort to put one foot in front of the other each and every day. You can do that, because you are strong and brave. You can do it, because it's part of the lesson you are learning.
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Yes, again, sleep would be a good thing.
One of the things that really worked for me with sleep was to invest in some guided meditation and self hypnosis cd's. I kept them on my i-pod and I slept with my i-pod next to the bed, so if I woke up during the night, I would put one on and gently ease myself back to sleep.
I'm pleased you are going back to the gym too. Hard exercise certainly is a great aid to sleep. I often did 2 x cardio classes a day to literally wear myself to sleep. It worked and it helped me look great too. Exercise is also important for keeping the feel-good seretonin chemicals going in your brain - do as much as you can. Exercise until you drop.
In relation to the time frames he's putting on the business - 3 months - 3 weeks - hooey! He doesn't know if he's Arthur or Martha right now and he is grasping at straws, trying to link things together that seem to make sense - effectively putting in place ways to 'run-away' from everything that is uncomfortable for him in his life. When it comes to questions of how to deal with the business - you need to be very focussed on what you really want and need - forget what he's saying - he's not the boss of the decisions as they relate to your professional and financial future and he can't call the shots. Don't even go there in conversation with him.
Keep looking after yourself Tam. Keep writing here, maintain your hope. You are getting better every day.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
