As always, thanks, Lin. And you ARE superwoman. How you made it through all you did WITH A FAMILY to take care of to boot? You are superhuman. If I had to take care of kids right now, I believe I would be in the looney bin...

I know I should not overanalyze the things he tells me. I should be grateful for the time he is willing to give me, for whatever his reasons are for giving it to me. I have to work hard and diligently. I have to learn to be strong. I have to watch bugs...

Yes, I see what you mean about him spending time withe me and HER being the one to get jealous. Although I never, ever want to hurt anyone, I can't wait for that day to come. I know it takes two, but I can't help but be angry that someone would sleep with another woman's husband and just be okay with it. I told H that when I was much younger (20-21), I went to visit an ex-boyfriend of mine - my first true love from junior high school. Well, he was married now, and we slept together when I went to visit him. When I got back home, he told me he wanted to leave his wife and be with me. I explained to him that I could never live with myself if I felt like I was the reason for him leaving his wife, that if they had problems they could not resolve and did not choose to stay together, so be it, and let me know if that ever happens. But unless/until that happened, I was not going to be with him. To think that at such a relatively young age (compared to now), I was mature enough (although I know it was wrong, stupid, selfish, etc., etc., to have slept with him in the first place), to know that this wasn't right and that I wasn't going to be the cause of breaking up someone's marriage. And to think that we are now in our 30's (and I assume she is, too) and that they are carrying on like this... I certainly wasn't a saint in what I did, but I knew enough to know it was wrong after I did it and to nip it in the bud in a hurry. And I CARED about that man - he was my first love. To hear him say that he wanted to be with me again? It made my heart sing - but I still didn't do it! Anyway, enough of that tangent. My point is that while I'm glad she is somehow making him happy right now, I am angry at both of them for doing this while he is married to me still.

Why doesn't he just leave me for good if he wants to be with her? Whey did he say we would wait?

In your situation, the OW obviously dumped your H, and he had to find a way to go on and eventually found his way back to you (thank goodness). But what if my OW doesn't dump H, and what if he doesn't dump her? Does their R stand a fighting chance knowing that it began in deceit? Could he ever take her home to his parents' house knowing what he had done? How could he look them in the eyes? What is he thinking? ....

I am so glad that your H is recovering now from alcoholism. What a horrible thing to have to deal with after you've already been through so much. See, you ARE superwoman! You are truly amazing.

Thank you for the compliments on my day today. I did not follow him around or chase him or talk to him at the office. I hope in time my distance will bring him back to me...

Regarding this Tuesday night when I'm going out with my friends, do I purposely TELL H about this? How do I show him that I'm doing something for myself without him without being too obvious? Or do I not say anything at all, the idea being that I'm just working on bettering me?

Yes, the parents' trip. I so appreciate your concern and advice on that, Lin. I'm just not ready to make a for sure decision on how to handle that yet. Like I said, I PROMISE I won't do anything until I talk to you guys. I'll see where things are at on Tuesday probably - maybe Wednesday.

So I was a little bad tonight and flipped through his daytimer to see if there was any mention of "her" in there - I'm not sure why I even did that, and I know it was wrong and an invasion of his privacy, and I feel really bad about it now (I HATE that I feel like we have to have secrets from each other now). I would feel awful if he ruffled through my things (actually, I guess I wouldn't care really, because I have nothing to hide). But I know those are his personal things and that it was wrong to look in it. It's just hard, because before I wouldn't have even thought twice about glancing through it if I were looking innocently for something... Anyway, for where we're at now, I know it was really wrong, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed... It was during my time of gut-wrenching crying I was doing at the office. At any rate, no mention of her that I saw. However, I DID see that in his calendar for March he does have the parents' trip written in there.

So... do I purposely flip his daytimer to that calendar the next time I'm there when he's not so that he might see the dates on there? Or do you think he's already well-aware of it and just hasn't brought it back up? I know what you're going to say - just LEAVE IT ALONE, right? \:\)

I will keep thinking about the trip and what you're advising me to do. I'm listening and taking it all in and full of all sorts of emotions about it right now. I just need to sort through it some more...

I'm going to try to get some sleep now... Let's hope I get a better night's sleep tonight.

Thanks, Lin. I'm so jealous and happy for you that you get to fall asleep in your H's arms tonight. Feel some comfort for me, will you, and remember not to take what you've fought for for granted. Treasure each hug and kiss and intimate moment you have... I know you do, along with all of those bugs....