Thanks so much for your continued support and advice.
Regarding the trip to the parents, I am listening to what you're saying and know that you're on the right path. Maybe I just want to see what he will say - if he'll bring it up at all and if he does what he would say about it. Maybe it's just another way for me to build some sort of hope that if he DOES say he wants to go with me, it would be huge, but at the same time, I understand what you're saying that it probably isn't the right time just yet... I promise I will keep mulling this over and won't do anything before consulting first with you guys. For now, I'm just going to leave it alone.
And, yes, please DO hunt me down if I ever bring up to H that he was able to make time for her and not for me. I don't think I would ever actually say THAT to him. I guess I was just trying to point out that he CAN get away from the job site when he really wants to. That was my point. But I know I can't ever throw any of these painful things back in his face. I understand that I have to let it go. I was just pointing out that I know he can do it, and I think that that is something very important that we will need to work on in the future - leaving business at a reasonable hour and reconnecting as a couple.
Believe me, I think I'm already in DBing jail... But feel free to throw away the key until you think it's safe for me to come out... I hate this so much...
Yikes! I just got up to our office, and H's car is here! He is/was asleep on the living room floor with the TV on... The bed in my office is messed up, too, so he's slept in it - I don't know if last night or today sometime...
I turned off the TV and startled him, and now I think he's getting up... I'm just going to stay up in my office working, calm, cool, and collected... Deep breaths... Independent, confident, take it or leave it attitude...
So, H woke up and went in to his office and worked for a while, and now he's gone! Not even ONE word to me while he was here, and obviously no "goodbye."
PLEASE help me to understand why he does this! I know it shouldn't matter to me and that I'm being silly, but even if we're "just friends" for the time being, why can't he at least be kind enough to come in to my office for a few brief moments just to say "hello" or anything for that matter? I don't know why it hurts so much, but it just kills me inside...
When he was here at the office, even though I knew he was working in his office, I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest. I felt more focused on the work I'm trying to accomplish and just felt better overall. Now that he's gone, my heart is just aching... He obviously just has too much control over my happiness still... I just feel a huge sense of loss when he leaves. Even if we're not talking, at least I know I'm close to him in the same office.
Why does this bother me so much, and why does he keep doing this? HELP!!!
Good thing is that I did NOT initiate any contact with him either, which I know is good. I guess maybe that's why it hurts so much - I kept my distance hoping he would approach me, even if just for a second, and he didn't.
Okay - need help and support, guys! I'm in tears again.... I'm so tired of hurting so much. Xanax to the rescue - quick! My heart is ripping our of my chest. I just want this pain to end. I want my marriage and my H back. Lin, how can I possibly do this for 2 years if I have to? I can't even fathom that. I'm tired of crying, tired of missing him so much, tired of feeling so alone, tired of feeling like such a failure, tired of feeling like I messed up so bad when he came home - if only I had done better, he might still be at home with me, tired of not being able to talk to him, just tired.... HELP!!! The tears just won't stop...
Thanks, Lin. I just can't stop crying..... I feel like none of this - our business, everything we've created together, all of our dreams - none of it means anything without him...
For what it is worth I think he avoids saying good bye to avoid the possibility of questions from you....
So this is where you NEED TO PREPARE...if he does come in and say good bye...view this as a test....look up, smile, and say goodbye....have a nice evening, day, whatever....then go back to your work like he was already gone...see how this will begin to take the pressure off???
Remember it was just a few days ago that you had a total melt down on him...this creates extreme guilt in him....guilt is something he is trying to avoid...that is why it is important that you be strong...don't add guilt...eventually that will be OW's role...she won't know about DB'ing and she will blow it...see how this all comes back around???
You can do this for as long as you want H back....but you take it one day at a time...sometimes a few hours at a time...believe me I didn't think I would survive a month....then when that passed I thought for sure I would not make it another...finally I started viewing my months as accomplishments...I would look back and see how I had changed...what I had done...how good I was doing...it took the focus off of the pain...
I had my moments...usually alone in my room....where I had to let out my grief....because I didn't know if H was ever coming home....he had given me nothing to hope for....yet I had hope because of what I had read and been told...
I know you are tired of crying, tired of missing him, tired of being alone....so what do you do???....You start filling your time with things that are good for you....call a friend...go to a movie...treat yourself to a pedicure....set your goal and when you reach it do something special just for YOU....
You have not messed up so bad he can't come home...if that was the case he would be asking for a D...he would be separating the assets...he is being still...watching...and the best thing...reallly the only thing you can do is to keep focus...keep getting stronger....keep examining who you are....and stop questioning him....
When things get to the point where you see progress...accept it...but don't go back to where you were...you must come to deal with your need to question and be right...that part of you must go forever...whether H returns or not...this is something that is not attractive to anyone...it only serves to frustrate others and drive them away....you don't want to be that person anymore...so focus on who you want to be...visualize yourself as a calm women, patient, accepting that other may not agree with you, learning that you don't have to prove your point....if you know your right...well that is all the matters...you don't have convince anyone else...why????...Because you are happy with who you are....
It will get better...make sure you are getting rest, eating healthy....B vitamins would help your nerves too....get some excercise...and watch them bugs
Thanks, Lin. You're always able to think with a clear mind and give me such sound advice. The Xanax is kicking in - I have at least stopped belly crying, and the tears have slowed... And my heart is still broken in two...
You're right about him not approaching me to say hi or to say goodbye - I'm sure he's worried that I'm going to "bring something up" and that he doesn't want to deal with that. I know that. I will work on avoiding him just as much as he's avoiding me, and when he finally does approach me to say something, I will be friendly yet aloof and get to the point and get back to work. I know that the more I do that the more "safe" he will feel to approach me. No more breakdowns in front of him - no more questioning - I know.
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don't add guilt...eventually that will be OW's role...she won't know about DB'ing and she will blow it...see how this all comes back around???
Can you explain this one a little bit more, Lin? How will the OW add guilt? For all I know, she's so happy-go-lucky and outgoing, as he tells me, that she doesn't even CARE that he's married!
I know, one minute at a time if I have to... Lin, you are so strong, and I admire you so much. I want that strength that you possess, and I feel so incredibly weak right now and so far from where I need to be. Please help me to find the strength you have...
Something that Jody told me the other day was that it was only hopeless if *I* had lost hope, basically saying that it wasn't H's job to give me hope. I try to keep thinking about this and to work on putting hope in my own heart that if I listen to what you are telling me to do and give this all that I am I WILL get H back - I just have to be patient and learn the lessons I'm intended to learn on this journey. I WANT to have hope, but at the same time it just kills me to think about going through all of this pain and it still not working out in the end. But what choice do I have but to hold on and do my best and to hope for the best outcome? There simply is no other option, and maybe that's why this is so hard - I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION! And being a controlling person, it's driving me crazy. The only way I CAN be in control is to do all of the things that feel so unnatural to me, and I know that that is part of what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this.
I hope I made some good strides today by calling about bowling and calling some friends. I know I'll feel better once I start filling my time with other people.
I'm really scared about my work. I just CANNOT focus - or I guess I refuse to. Like I've said before, things are falling through the cracks - not meeting deadlines, not getting things done at all. This is NOT like me, and I hate it. I need to be able to concentrate. I will ask the doctor about this when I meet with him again to see if there is something I can take to help with this.
I don't know about not messing up so bad that he can't come home... He told me the other day that we would have to stay together for the next 3 months or so anyway to get our current real estate project done. So maybe he's just waiting until that is finished before stirring anything up... Again, he wants me to contribute all I am to our business and suffer for 3 months while he is off galavanting with someone else. That makes me feel wonderful, let me tell you. And I don't think he WANTS to separate the assets, even if we don't stay together, because he somehow wants to keep our business alive even if we're not together...
I guess the good part of it is that I HAVE THREE MONTHS to become a better me and to hopefully win him back.
I will work on not questioning and not overanalyzing things and just accepting them for what they are.
Yes, again, sleep would be a good thing. Was up for several hours in the middle of the night again last night. Appetite isn't great - am losing more weight. But I know that will get better with time. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow morning, so I know that will help.
Thanks for getting me through this storm, Lin. I envy you so much for being able to weather this horrible pain for so long. You are a saint... Please help me to get your strength and to do the right DBing to win my H back. Lin, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY H OR THIS MARRIAGE!!!
I don't know about not messing up so bad that he can't come home... He told me the other day that we would have to stay together for the next 3 months or so anyway to get our current real estate project done. So maybe he's just waiting until that is finished before stirring anything up... Again, he wants me to contribute all I am to our business and suffer for 3 months while he is off galavanting with someone else. That makes me feel wonderful, let me tell you. And I don't think he WANTS to separate the assets, even if we don't stay together, because he somehow wants to keep our business alive even if we're not together...
Don't over analyze this....he will say things he doesn't mean...
As for her being carefree and not caring that he is married...well right now she doesn't...she has him...but as time goes by and he starts seeing your changes...if he starts spending more time with you...she will start the guilt process with him...remind him of the sweet things he told her...how he made her promises...whatever...it will happen...
Like I told my H...it was easy for his OW to be understanding and supportive because she was NOT LIVING MY LIFE!...she didn't have the mortgage to worry about...she didn't depend on him to support her children...he wasn't working and was going through out savings...she wasn't seeing her life go down the drain...she was having a happy go lucky affair with a married man...dreaming that this guy would sweep her off of her feet and take her away from her miserable 2nd or 3rd marriage....HA!...I don't know if he ever got to the point of seeing her for what she was but when his money ran out and he couldn't go see her when she wanted...in just a few months she had another man taking her to Disneyland...near where H lived...she called to tell him she was going there and he thought he would get to see her...then she dropped her bomb...she wasn't going alone!!!
Give it time...work on you...I am not a super woman...I did what I had to do for my family...believe me I didn't think I was going to make it...I felt weak...when people would tell me that I would be stronger because of this I didn't believe them...when they said I would be ok I didn't always believe I would be...but in the end...and looking back I did it...I am stronger...I have been able to stand up for myself to H where before I didn't because I was affraid...that is why he is now recovering from alcoholism...I put my foot down...and he knew I was serious and didn't want to lose his family...
You did good today...you haven't questioned him or followed him around....
I just really hope that you finally in your mind get the whole parent trip settled...that will be your biggest trial...and I know what you have to do...it is up to you to see what I am seeing....again, DON'T GO!....this will really show H how good you are doing to detach(although he doesn't know that term)...and give him space...and be independant...he needs to see you do this...trust me
As always, thanks, Lin. And you ARE superwoman. How you made it through all you did WITH A FAMILY to take care of to boot? You are superhuman. If I had to take care of kids right now, I believe I would be in the looney bin...
I know I should not overanalyze the things he tells me. I should be grateful for the time he is willing to give me, for whatever his reasons are for giving it to me. I have to work hard and diligently. I have to learn to be strong. I have to watch bugs...
Yes, I see what you mean about him spending time withe me and HER being the one to get jealous. Although I never, ever want to hurt anyone, I can't wait for that day to come. I know it takes two, but I can't help but be angry that someone would sleep with another woman's husband and just be okay with it. I told H that when I was much younger (20-21), I went to visit an ex-boyfriend of mine - my first true love from junior high school. Well, he was married now, and we slept together when I went to visit him. When I got back home, he told me he wanted to leave his wife and be with me. I explained to him that I could never live with myself if I felt like I was the reason for him leaving his wife, that if they had problems they could not resolve and did not choose to stay together, so be it, and let me know if that ever happens. But unless/until that happened, I was not going to be with him. To think that at such a relatively young age (compared to now), I was mature enough (although I know it was wrong, stupid, selfish, etc., etc., to have slept with him in the first place), to know that this wasn't right and that I wasn't going to be the cause of breaking up someone's marriage. And to think that we are now in our 30's (and I assume she is, too) and that they are carrying on like this... I certainly wasn't a saint in what I did, but I knew enough to know it was wrong after I did it and to nip it in the bud in a hurry. And I CARED about that man - he was my first love. To hear him say that he wanted to be with me again? It made my heart sing - but I still didn't do it! Anyway, enough of that tangent. My point is that while I'm glad she is somehow making him happy right now, I am angry at both of them for doing this while he is married to me still.
Why doesn't he just leave me for good if he wants to be with her? Whey did he say we would wait?
In your situation, the OW obviously dumped your H, and he had to find a way to go on and eventually found his way back to you (thank goodness). But what if my OW doesn't dump H, and what if he doesn't dump her? Does their R stand a fighting chance knowing that it began in deceit? Could he ever take her home to his parents' house knowing what he had done? How could he look them in the eyes? What is he thinking? ....
I am so glad that your H is recovering now from alcoholism. What a horrible thing to have to deal with after you've already been through so much. See, you ARE superwoman! You are truly amazing.
Thank you for the compliments on my day today. I did not follow him around or chase him or talk to him at the office. I hope in time my distance will bring him back to me...
Regarding this Tuesday night when I'm going out with my friends, do I purposely TELL H about this? How do I show him that I'm doing something for myself without him without being too obvious? Or do I not say anything at all, the idea being that I'm just working on bettering me?
Yes, the parents' trip. I so appreciate your concern and advice on that, Lin. I'm just not ready to make a for sure decision on how to handle that yet. Like I said, I PROMISE I won't do anything until I talk to you guys. I'll see where things are at on Tuesday probably - maybe Wednesday.
So I was a little bad tonight and flipped through his daytimer to see if there was any mention of "her" in there - I'm not sure why I even did that, and I know it was wrong and an invasion of his privacy, and I feel really bad about it now (I HATE that I feel like we have to have secrets from each other now). I would feel awful if he ruffled through my things (actually, I guess I wouldn't care really, because I have nothing to hide). But I know those are his personal things and that it was wrong to look in it. It's just hard, because before I wouldn't have even thought twice about glancing through it if I were looking innocently for something... Anyway, for where we're at now, I know it was really wrong, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed... It was during my time of gut-wrenching crying I was doing at the office. At any rate, no mention of her that I saw. However, I DID see that in his calendar for March he does have the parents' trip written in there.
So... do I purposely flip his daytimer to that calendar the next time I'm there when he's not so that he might see the dates on there? Or do you think he's already well-aware of it and just hasn't brought it back up? I know what you're going to say - just LEAVE IT ALONE, right?
I will keep thinking about the trip and what you're advising me to do. I'm listening and taking it all in and full of all sorts of emotions about it right now. I just need to sort through it some more...
I'm going to try to get some sleep now... Let's hope I get a better night's sleep tonight.
Thanks, Lin. I'm so jealous and happy for you that you get to fall asleep in your H's arms tonight. Feel some comfort for me, will you, and remember not to take what you've fought for for granted. Treasure each hug and kiss and intimate moment you have... I know you do, along with all of those bugs....
But feel free to throw away the key until you think it's safe for me to come out... I hate this so much...
