I'm the reason my children are who they are. I'm the reason they haven't fully given up hope. I'm the reason my son isn't drinking out on the streets, doing drugs, shaving his head, getting tatoos, piercing his body, is an athelet, does well in school, was driving at 14. His father calls him and tells him, I am nothing but a lazy B who sits on her butt all day and lives off of him. He calls and tells him the child support should be paid directly to them, and NOT used to help buy food, provide shelter, help pay electricity. Calls him and tells him the lies about why we are divorced, why women are weak. Then he goes on how having him put out the trash is abusing him, having him feed all the dogs, again, abuse...... for the past 6 months he has been making plans with my son to bring the car to him, and it has yet to arrive, it goes on in on, this is only the most frequent words he uses.
For my daughter, he prays she won't grow up to be a useless woman like her mother. In her presence, he checks out other women, and comments about their bodies, and when she objects to hearing what he has to say, he tells her to shut up, she doesn't know what the H she is talking about, and she will not talk back to him. This weekend, they all went out to eat for lunch, when she didn't eat as much as XH and his wife thought she should, they had them pack it up in a "doggy bag" when they got home, several hours later, he made her sit with their dog, until the dog finished the plate. Then fed her no dinner, and told her she couldn't eat breakfast until they got up, which was 4 hours after she normally eats breakfast.
When a child has food issues, you cannot make food an issue.
These are only a few reasons why I believe their reactions are coming from his actions, more so than mine. I won't even start on all the promises he has made to them, and not kept, then turned around and blamed me for the promises not being kept.
I am very aware of my own history, began changing it when I was in my 20s, and when I became unexpectantly pregnant with my S, I read a library full of books on how to raise an emotionally and physically healthy child..... my favorite person to emmulate was T.Berry Brazelton, and I vowed to stop the cycle that I grew up with. To this day, neither child has had a broken bone, a cavity, a bloody nose, been in the hospital overnight, or had any health problems or issues, except the one that is developing with my D now, which may become worse, now that he has taken her power away to say no, I'd rather stay home, I would like to see you, but would rather sleep in my own bed tonight, I don't want to go to CA, or be away from home for 6 weeks, I suspect her problem will become worse.
I am the person they call on the phone while they are away 5 or 6 times in a day, or IM when on a computer at school, I am the person they look for and reach to when they need support, I am the one they look for to do battle with, when their heart is aching and they need to scream, for they know they are perfectly safe with me. They know what ever they do or say, even in the heat of anger, they will NEVER loose my love, respect or feel they are less. As their counselor told me, I am their safe parent, they know I will always, always be here for them.
I am fully aware they look to me for guidance, watch me to be their role model. Unless xh is in full attack mode, I do not show my emotions or feelings about xh while he is around. I refuse to engage with him, if the children are in ear shot, although I speak candidly with them, about the things he does, it is with compassion and understanding, as to not give a hint about the way I feel, for I know, any negativity I show, will someday come back around to me. My mother spoke negativily about my father, and even though he was abusive, I still felt like I had to defend him. I won't do that to my children. I am the person that has guided them through out all of this, and has been told by the school administration, that they not been told what was going on, they would have never suspected a problem.
I don't have to ask my children how they feel about me, for we have an unspoken language all of our own. We have complete dialogs from across a crowded gymnasiums, football fields, track fields, with just a look or an expression. I feel their hearts beat, even when we are miles apart. I know their pain by the way it clenches at my heart, I know their joy as it lifts my soul, I know the sound of our music, the hum of our energies combined, when we are together as one family, as I know instintively when one of us is out of sync too. I don't have to ask, no, not at all, as I am sure this is true of most, if not all the Mother's sitting here reading this now. There's a universe of difference from watching a child born, and giving birth.
Take care of you God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
