Thanks, Lin. You're always able to think with a clear mind and give me such sound advice. The Xanax is kicking in - I have at least stopped belly crying, and the tears have slowed... And my heart is still broken in two...
You're right about him not approaching me to say hi or to say goodbye - I'm sure he's worried that I'm going to "bring something up" and that he doesn't want to deal with that. I know that. I will work on avoiding him just as much as he's avoiding me, and when he finally does approach me to say something, I will be friendly yet aloof and get to the point and get back to work. I know that the more I do that the more "safe" he will feel to approach me. No more breakdowns in front of him - no more questioning - I know.
Quote:
don't add guilt...eventually that will be OW's role...she won't know about DB'ing and she will blow it...see how this all comes back around???
Can you explain this one a little bit more, Lin? How will the OW add guilt? For all I know, she's so happy-go-lucky and outgoing, as he tells me, that she doesn't even CARE that he's married!
I know, one minute at a time if I have to... Lin, you are so strong, and I admire you so much. I want that strength that you possess, and I feel so incredibly weak right now and so far from where I need to be. Please help me to find the strength you have...
Something that Jody told me the other day was that it was only hopeless if *I* had lost hope, basically saying that it wasn't H's job to give me hope. I try to keep thinking about this and to work on putting hope in my own heart that if I listen to what you are telling me to do and give this all that I am I WILL get H back - I just have to be patient and learn the lessons I'm intended to learn on this journey. I WANT to have hope, but at the same time it just kills me to think about going through all of this pain and it still not working out in the end. But what choice do I have but to hold on and do my best and to hope for the best outcome? There simply is no other option, and maybe that's why this is so hard - I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION! And being a controlling person, it's driving me crazy. The only way I CAN be in control is to do all of the things that feel so unnatural to me, and I know that that is part of what I'm supposed to be learning from all of this.
I hope I made some good strides today by calling about bowling and calling some friends. I know I'll feel better once I start filling my time with other people.
I'm really scared about my work. I just CANNOT focus - or I guess I refuse to. Like I've said before, things are falling through the cracks - not meeting deadlines, not getting things done at all. This is NOT like me, and I hate it. I need to be able to concentrate. I will ask the doctor about this when I meet with him again to see if there is something I can take to help with this.
I don't know about not messing up so bad that he can't come home... He told me the other day that we would have to stay together for the next 3 months or so anyway to get our current real estate project done. So maybe he's just waiting until that is finished before stirring anything up... Again, he wants me to contribute all I am to our business and suffer for 3 months while he is off galavanting with someone else. That makes me feel wonderful, let me tell you. And I don't think he WANTS to separate the assets, even if we don't stay together, because he somehow wants to keep our business alive even if we're not together...
I guess the good part of it is that I HAVE THREE MONTHS to become a better me and to hopefully win him back.
I will work on not questioning and not overanalyzing things and just accepting them for what they are.
Yes, again, sleep would be a good thing. Was up for several hours in the middle of the night again last night. Appetite isn't great - am losing more weight. But I know that will get better with time. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow morning, so I know that will help.
Thanks for getting me through this storm, Lin. I envy you so much for being able to weather this horrible pain for so long. You are a saint... Please help me to get your strength and to do the right DBing to win my H back. Lin, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY H OR THIS MARRIAGE!!!
