This is how I see your situation and how I think you should approach it. It does parallel my sitch.
Mrs HD has created a view of the world based on her fears. This is self deception and is the basis of narcissism. That doesn’t mean she is narcissistic, but she sure has those tendencies. To self protect, I think she rationalizes disrespect for HD in order to remove any dependency on him. HD confirms her view of him when he drops the ball on his responsibilities, then compounds it by hiding the truth. She sees each lapse as confirmation of her suspicions that he can’t be trusted. To anyone else, they might simply see HD as a non-assertive, forgetful, ADD person.
MrsHD sees things clearly, though from her warped POV. As long as HD creates situations than confirm her views, he will have a hard time convincing her otherwise and therefore gaining any respect from her, much less taking the lead on anything. However, I also believe that even with the most reliable, trustworthy man, Mrs HD will still find reason to doubt him. Trust is not the issue. Self protection is. She will not give trust or respect because that would make her way too vulnerable. I believe Mrs HD is a case in which HD will have to take respect from her, not wait for her to give it to him. She will never give it.
That is why I think HD needs to explicitly address each grievance Mrs HD has. Show her how he is resolving it and will handle it going forward. Of course she will still not trust that he will continue such behavior in the future and therefore will not give him the benefit of the doubt. She can simply rewrite history or focus on some new problem, whatever she has to do to avoid giving trust. I think it is very important that HD get her to document what her complaints are, every single thing she can think of, no matter how small. I think it would also help to document why she thinks those things are important and how those things affect her ability to get close to HD. In the future, she will be using new excuses or deny the old excuses ever existed. So a journal is EXTREMELY important when dealing with someone like this. She will twist her memory and it will always be in her favor.
But back to my point… I believe that HD needs to directly address and resolve every single issue on the list. Then he needs to treat each one like is has been resolved and settled. He probably will not settled each issue the way she wants it settled. But as soon as she starts micromanaging his way of taking care of things, she opens herself to criticism and micromanagement by HD. She won’t go there. She has to self-protect.
At that point HD will have effectively called her bluff on the particular issue and disarmed it as an excuse to avoid intimacy. This does not mean he has to go to great lengths either. But I do think he needs to acknowledge and address each problem individually. Otherwise she will keep it as an excuse. The goal is to remove all her self imposed obstacles until she has nothing left to hold between them except herself.
Another real possibility is that after HD does all this, she still says she does not trust him. No reason, no explanation, that is just how it is and how she feels, and she won’t listen to him telling her to feel otherwise. This is where the counselor comes in handy. A third party will be needed to break the logjam of who is right and put the spotlight on her and her unreasonable position.
HD will have to become much more assertive in order to “take” respect. As he settles each grievance, I think he should take on indignation at any mention that they are still an issue. If she challenges this, she will open herself to the same challenge from HD. I am betting she won’t go there. Remember, her primary need is self protection.
As all this is going on, I also believe HD should do everything he can to let MrsHD know that he is trying to help her, that he is on her side and fighting to open her up emotionally. I see no reason why HD should not say those very words to her. There is no reason to keep her fears hidden in the closet, it just enables her. Tell her you know she is scared, and you are going (not trying) to pull her out, open her heart, and love her. Address her BS defensive system head-on, out in the open. Let her know that you are aware of her fears and you are what she needs to come back to the emotional world. Talk about it all the time.
I believe she will hear this loud and clear, but she will not let on at all. This is the basis of my whole strategy for you, that she truly wants to open up, to trust, and to be love and care for, but that she is just scared. If there is any truth to this, she will not leave you, even when you push. She needs the relationship to stay in limbo, right where it is now. That is safest place for her. She knows you are there, in the house, helping with daily tasks, but without her having to open up. She has overloaded herself at work in order to feel more in control of her life. She has not yet come to fully realize how much she needs you and all you do for her, but she probably has an idea. The current arrangement is the ideal situation for her. Moving away from this will be overwhelming and scary for her. Losing you will be even scarier. I don’t think she will leave if you are fixing yourself, fighting for the marriage and telling her how much you are fighting for her.
By the way, I do think you need to drop the emphasis on sex. She will not take that as evidence of your love and commitment to her, but as an escalation of the power struggle. Until you can address the underlying issues, sex will be threatening to her. It represents a breach to her defenses. I also think a large expenditure will be seen as an escalation. I don’t think it is an issue of her shifting into battle mode, she is always in battle mode and has been for years.
I agree with MrsCAC4 that MrsHD treats HD as a child. I don’t think that is by accident. The more she can consider him a child, the less reason to respect him and trust him, and the more reason to maintain her defenses against vulnerability.
HD, you two have been in counseling for some time. Identification of the issues should be mostly done by now. If this is not so, then perhaps she does not want to see them, (or you either). More of the same counseling will not change that. You’ve got to push this relationship off center. But be sure you push in the right direction, not too hard, not too soft.
