Hey, Virginia! It's so great to hear from you again. How kind and thoughtful of you to take so much time reading my (lengthy) posts to get caught up... Thank you for caring.
Yes, I know I will get through this. It's just gut-wrenching while you're going through it. It's been 4 months now since this horrible experience began, and I guess I'm just so desperately tired of all of the pain. I just would LOVE to wake up one morning and not have a heavy heart and a mind full of baggage and feel so much painful despair and helplessness. I've never had to go through anything this painful for such a long period of time. I just want to be happy again, and I know that that is up to ME to make myself that way. I just wish I could do so with H's support, but hopefully, in time, I will have his support again and I will have become a much better and stronger woman myself in the meantime.
I guess I hadn't realized just how dependent and independent I had become. I realized that I hardly ever see my friends anymore or seek out new friends. I am one who has always enjoyed my "alone" time and often would just as soon curl up with a good book or TV show by myself than to go out in a social environment. It's my way of revitalizing myself. I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
But... I've still had H by my side for so long now, and now that he's not available for me right now, I'm feeling a strong sense of being so lonely. I guess I got to the point where he was all I really wanted/needed on at least a semi-daily basis in my social world, and I was okay and perfectly happy with that. Now, he's not there for me currently, and I feel ripped in two.
Like you, I knew we were both working so very hard (in fact, he's told me that for the past 2 or so years he's been very unhappy, which is right around when we started doing our business together), and I knew we were drifting apart a bit both on a personal level and even more so on a physical level. But, I still thought all-in-all that we were "okay" and that things would get much better for us when our hectic work schedules slowed down. I was so looking forward to that time. I had absolutely no idea that he was this unhappy, and I feel horrible about it. I know he told me about his physical frustrations with me, but I just never understood the magnitude of how much it was bothering him... Regardless, though I take the blame for not being more open to his needs, he still has to take the blame for making a horrible decision to drift outside of our marriage while we are still married and to continue to do so now. And he at this point doesn't seem to want to take his share of the responsibility. He seems to feel justified, and that hurts so much...
I know that this journey is being dealt to me for a reason and that I still have so far to travel. Somehow over the years, I truly have lost myself. I pray that he is just longing for me to find that person again and that that is when he will start wanting me again. And, at that point, I'll be strong enough to be able to get through my own pain over this whole ordeal.
I know I lack self-confidence and self-respect right now horribly. I was reading that book again last night (dang it, I keep forgetting the name of it) the Tough Love book by the Christian author. Anyway, that is really, really good at discussing the reasons you can't chase, plead, beg, cry, etc., and at giving advice on what to do instead. I'm going to keep reading parts of it, as I do with Divorce Remedy, to keep my eye on the prize and to give me strength.
So, I called some bowling alleys this morning to get information on women's leagues. I also called some friends that I have not talked to for probably 2 years and scheduled a dinner with them this Tuesday night. I called another two friends and left messages for them asking to schedule a get-together. Then, I also called a really good friend of mine and left a message for her asking what she thought about getting a group of girlfriends together and getting together once a week at different houses or going out or something. I got this idea from our massage therapist, who has a group of I think 8 or 9 girlfriends that get together every Tuesday night at one of their houses and just hang out, watch movies, etc. I thought that would be a great idea, both for me now and also to continue into the future when H does come back home.
I know I am still very much in need of reassurances from you all, just as I keep seeking from H. It's just so hard to hold on without them - at least for me. I just want my life back - but not the old, dysfunctional life, but rather a much better one in which both of us are more healthy, both individually and as a couple. I just pray that it is not too late...
H called and left a message for me earlier today (it went to voicemail, as I was out of the room, so probably a good thing). He left a joking message about one of our tenants that had stopped by to see him today, and he told me to call him. Well, I haven't called him back! I wasn't not calling him back to be mean or to support this new independent, confident attitude that I need to work on, but rather because when I went over to the job site, his car wasn't there, so I was afraid he was with OW and didn't want to call. So that's probably a good thing. I won't call him today unless he phones me. I just pray that if I keep some distance he will somehow start to miss me... It just feels like he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, but then I think about the little baby steps - the "honeys" that he's called me and how he held my hand while we were on our trip, etc. I hope there is still a spark, even if it's ever so small, that I can somehow fan into a small flame again to get us back on track. But it is the confident, take it or leave it girl that has to bring that out of him, not the one I've been being. I know that...
Hopefully this week will be better and I will make some progress. Wish me luck, and thank you so much for your support.
