Its over...she filed part 2

[kikisum]

SR-
you out there? just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you...

[ImprovedRomeo]

hi kiki, thanks for thinking about me. I'm here...nothing new to report. Spending this hot weekend with D.

STBXW continues to act like we're good friends. Yesterday before dropping D off she called to ask if I wanted her to pickup breakfast. I said "it's up to you...it doesn't matter either way". She dropped D off kinda late and said "sorry I went to drive thru and they weren't serving b.fast anymore". I said "that's ok it's almost lunch time anyway".

Then she asked me if she could borrow my tools to hang her shower curtain rod and what would be the best way to cut metal tubing...sigh.

As far as me i'm not doing a lot to keep myself entertained...there's a force keeps me from socializing or going to the gym etc but i'm ok just watching tv, doing dishes, cleaning, laundry etc it's exhausting enough...

[OldFool]

...doing dishes, cleaning, laundry etc it's exhausting enough....

I hear that!

[kikisum]

haven't seen anything from you in a while... how is your life, your daughter?

what kind of music do you listen to by the way?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Just saw this kiki...funny I was just about to check up on your sitch. Meh things are OK...do you really want to know? OK rant follows:

I'm bored out of my mind. I want company, I want a woman in my life. After one year and no companionship...it's tough. I looked on craigslist.org and good lord...women there only seem interested in how much you make, what you drive and if you look like an A&F model. Is everyone out there so shallow these days? What happened to love, honesty and faithfulness? Makes me mad because I was 24 and I had it all when my wife entrapped me by giving me the illusion that this was forever. She's moved on now and I'm left holding a beggar cup. I'm also thinking about how the divorce is going to set me back 10 years financially, the money I worked so hard for and saved for our future.

Just everything's on my mind lately. Two nights ago I woke up at 3am from a nightmare where I saw my wife having an affair with her boss/friend who's the CIO of her company - he's married to his high-school sweetheart and has a 3 yo D. This happened because someone recently told me that what my wife did was very typical when there's another person involved. Her boss/friend was my first suspect because he's promoted her, given her the raises, gives her time off without her having to notify HR but mostly because he's more successful than me - I've become so insecure about myself. I guess if she did cheat on me then maybe I deserved it because she cheated on her ex-boyfriend with me even if she threw herself at me 3 or 4 times and gave me a story about how he mistreats her and she's not even in love with him and that she's moving into her own place in a few weeks. She finally succeeded because I always liked her as a friend.

Even though it's all over it's not really over. Maybe I'm not as strong as some of the other guys here that have moved on and are doing well. For me to move on I need a girlfriend to take my mind off of things and to start feeling good about myself again.

EDIT: I like all kinds of music, Avril Lavegne, Dido, James Blunt, Shakira, J. Timberlake, Christina Milian, Frankie J etc just depends on the mood - why do you ask?

[OldFool]

I looked on craigslist.org and good lord...women there only seem interested in how much you make, what you drive and if you look like an A&F model. Is everyone out there so shallow these days? What happened to love, honesty and faithfulness?

Well, looking on craigslist.org or hitting the bars makes me think of an old saying, "You'll never catch bass fishing in a herring barrel."

I'm also thinking about how the divorce is going to set me back 10 years financially, the money I worked so hard for and saved for our future.

Yep...it just sucks and there's nothing you can do about it.

This happened because someone recently told me that what my wife did was very typical when there's another person involved.

Sadly, I believe that's true.

I guess if she did cheat on me then maybe I deserved it because she cheated on her ex-boyfriend with me even if she threw herself at me 3 or 4 times and gave me a story about how he mistreats her and she's not even in love with him and that she's moving into her own place in a few weeks.

No one deserves to be cheated on. But that having been said, it's worth remembering the old Biblical admonition, "He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword". If she is having an A, I'd bet she gave him the same line that worked on you. Remember, if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

For me to move on I need a girlfriend to take my mind off of things and to start feeling good about myself again.

Heard that before...and it's a mistake. Getting a girlfriend is a great way to mask your issues and make you think everything is fine, but it's no solution. Like alcohol, you may forget about your problems and be able to avoid your issues for a while, but when the buzz wears off (that is, when the R with the new GF fades away), you'll find your problems are all still there waiting for you.

You need to detach before you can get to a place where you can make the decision as to whether or not to move on. Don't get the two confused (as many here do). If you think you need a GF to make things right, it means you're not ready for one. It is when you have sorted through things, have fixed your problems, have created and independent life for yourself, and don't feel you have to have anyone to be happy and move on...that's when you'll be ready for a GF.

[Cyphertube]

You need to detach before you can get to a place where you can make the decision as to whether or not to move on. Don't get the two confused (as many here do). If you think you need a GF to make things right, it means you're not ready for one. It is when you have sorted through things, have fixed your problems, have created and independent life for yourself, and don't feel you have to have anyone to be happy and move on...that's when you'll be ready for a GF.

Oh so true! This I learned after my first marriage. Dating just won't feel right for quite some time. Yeah, it's nice to have female companionship, definitely. I had some good friends to spend time with. It made doing some of those things (like clothes shopping) so much easier. But the important part is that we were clearly friends and not dating. That helped me get back on my feet. Granted, I didn't figure everything out, but I was able to grow. I think if I'd jumped into dating too soon, I would have just gone from gf to gf, which I ended up doing eventually anyway (but then I was also young and stupid).

[30andLost]

OldFool,

I tried to PM you, but it didn't work. Could you check my profile and e-mail me?

[ImprovedRomeo]

She just replied to my email from two weeks ago, the one I journaled here: Page 2


Thanks for offering to help me with my issues of the past. I feel that I've worked through a lot of those issues through my years of counseling and now am working on more recent issues.

I think that it's important that you have worked to change your
behavior. I'm sure that D will also benefit from it. I respect that you have worked really hard to change and better yourself. It's turned out to be very good for you.

Of course I get sad when D asks to see you when you're not around
which I why I give you a call. I miss her like crazy when she's not with me. I usually end up working at home until late in the evening those days because I have nothing to do. Its just at this point, I'm not ready to go back. Maybe that point will never come. Like your other email, maybe if it does you will already have moved on. I'm willing to take that chance so that we can all live in peace.

I still notice that you always talk about my issues. I'm really not running away from them. If you think I am, I feel that you're wrong on that account. I am also working hard to resolve a lot of things that have happened in my life. Both the things that I am and am not responsible for. I am addressing everything as best as I can. I see my counselor every other week and have since early fall. I've been doing remarkably well lately. However, you still continue to say that its 'my' issues as though of course, its still 'my' fault. The two of us got married (or I guess that I forced you to marry me according to your story) and we both made errors. We both had issues from somewhere. We both contributed to the demise. I just don't see how it is still all my issues.

Anyway, sorry it's taken me so long to write back. I had to think about these for a bit.


what can I say to her at this point? how should I reply? When she dropped D off this sat I acted very playfully towards D and was cordial but detached to STBXW. I wonder if that caused her to reply? I know I'm probably reading into it too much.

[kikisum]

wow... she did bother to reply, which means that she is thinking about things. when i think back to when i was acting like your STBXW, i wrote a letter very much in line with that one.

honey, you have really got to keep down this path of acting "as if" you are fine to have a life without her. eventually, you will convince yourself that this is true - my H did. don't worry about what caused her to reply, it's probably a manifestation of all of the detatchment work you are doing. your letter did, however, obviously have some effect on her.

don't reply.