I feel your pain. At least the parts that I have experienced.
I can not feel the pain of a mother trying to protect her children from pain. This is impossible for me to experience.
I have experienced my XW telling my children what she believed was the truth or reality of our marriage and our past. I only know a limited amnount of specifics of what she has said to them. My children and I do not discuss what is said between them and their mother. This is just the way it is.
It has made me feel upset believing that she has probably told them lies about me and has only given her side of the story. My children are grown now and hopefully can see through some of the BS.
I can understand your reasoning for what you are doing. You want your XH out of your life and to leave your children and you alone.
Unfortunately, this is not possible. He is their father and you are the mother of his children. You will always be connected to each other. Yes, you can limit your contact with XH and only speak to him as necessary. But with child support, custody and visitation issues, there is no stopping the continual contacts between him, you and the children.
In your attempt to use External Power to control the situation and avoid dealing with your XH, you are creating more negative enrgy and fueling the flames of the fire.
I attempted to prove that I was right and my XW was wrong in regards to spousal support over the last 2 years in dealing with lawyers and the court. What was the end result? My wallet was about $7,500 lighter. I spent a tremendous amount of mental and physical energy along with I don't know how many hours trying to put my case together in an attempt to WIN.
My own desire to control and be in power cost me money, time and just created more anger and resentment from my XW and upset my children as well. Yes, you and Snodderly advised me to not go there. You said, "let it go." You were both right.
That is not easy for me to admit to being WRONG. I'm a former MLC and you know we don't like to admit to being wrong, saying we made a mistake, or I'm sorry.
What I see is your desire to WIN and prove that you are RIGHT and that your XH is WRONG. Is that a fair statement? I'm not judging you, just calling it as I see it.
Laughing, I'm sure you have had issues with power struggles since childhood. Your power struggle with your XH is just a continuation of the past issues you have had. Those issues have not left you.
Your desire to get your XH out of your life so that this pain you feel will go away is not going to fix your pain. Your XH is not the cause of your pain. He only brings it to light.
No on can make us feel what we feel without our permission. The pain you see in your children is the pain you experienced as a child. You know it intimately as you experienced it yourself.
Let go of the things that are not in your control. You can not protect your children from their father. Unless their are clear signs of physical or sexual abuse, I highly doubt the Court will do anything to prevent your XH from excersizing his parental rights.
Yes, he is a jerk, but he is still their father. The court can't say, "you're a big fat liar, so we are not going to let you see your children." The court also can't say, "you've married a loser, so therefore we don't want your children to visit you because she will be present."
I know it doesn't seem fair. But at times, life isn't fair. Sometimes life sucks. Life is filled with all kinds of experiences. Good, bad and ugly. Each experience happens "for us" and gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves and the parts that need healing.
Laughing, I don't know all of your past but from what I have heard and sense from your current struggles it has been filled with great pain. There is a common thread that runs through all the pain you have experienced. The common component is your soul. It is your soul that needs healing and is seeking it through human experiences.
There are some who believe that the soul chooses these experiences to "remember" that which it already knows. I'm beginning to believe their may be some truth to this.
We can clearly see the physical connections from one generation to the next, through our eyes and our ears. The genes and DNA that is passed from both parents to their children shows up in physical features. But do manerisms, attitudes, behaviors, emotions and the way a person thinks also get passed on from one generation to the next?
Looking back at my mothers life, I can see the physical. emotional and mental similarities to my own. My digestive system is like my mothers with very similar issues with foods creating acid reflex and intestinal discomfort. Some of my emotions and mental being is very similar. My mom experienced depression for most of her adult life just as I have experienced depression for much of my adult life. My mom experienced a number of heart surgerys for blockage in her arteries. I have high cholesterol and take meds for it and have been told that I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.
As much as I have had issues with my mother since as long as I can remember. I now realize I am my mother after all. She definetly is a part of me physically, mentally, emotionally and I'm sure spiritually.
Maybe the childhood experiences I had were ment to be? Maybe those painful emotional experiences were all part of the healing of my soul? Maybe I should be grateful and thankful to my mother for providing those experiences for me in my souls desire to remember that which it already knew?
When you start to believe that all things happen for a reason and that there are no coincidences. You see the world from a total diffeent perspective.
The world of fear and doubt create a whole host of negative emotions and we project that negativity onto others. What we project is what is returned to us. So if we want love, we have to give love.
So why is it that we project anger, resentment, hate, vengefulness towards others and then are surprised when they contiue to create more pain and suffering in our lives?
I know I have done that many times in my life, only to become more furstrated and upset, and then trying harder to prevent what was being projected onto me.
External Power will not work. I see it in so many instances throughout the world everyday. As human beings, we have not learned that it is just not working. We keep doing what we did in the past believing that this time the results will be different.
Our current administration has been on a huge power trip ever since taking office. Their desire to control everything externally through manipulation, lying, breaking laws in attempt to win at all costs and forcing their beliefs onto others as if their way is the only right way to live and believe in God.
Karl Rove used the ultimate human tool for getting President Bush re-elected. Fear. Fear is very powerful and controlling. You can manipulate people to do things they would not do under conditions of love if you raise enough fear in them.
What is the number one motivator of the LBS? FEAR. The LBS fear of losing their MLC spouse, of losing their marriage, of losing all that they have known and dreamed of being and having. The LBS has a great fear of not being good enough, not being loveable, of not being appreciated or valued. These are the same fears of the MLC spouse.
A LBS through their fears become very weak and lose their own strength and internal power. They become lost and confused. Yes, so do the MLC spouses of the wrold too.
The common thread that runs through all of us is that we all have the same Creator. Everything in the Universe is made of energy. All human emotions are energy. Energy passes through us, around us and throughout the Unverse it travels. Around and around and through it goes. Passing through everything and everbody.
None of our experiences are 100% identical. But the emotions we all are feeling, both the MLC and the LBS, are indentical. All of us are experiencing an "emotional awakening." Some call it a "spiritual awakening." It is one in the same.
As a human species we are transforming into what is necessary for survival in the future. External power is no longer working. It has got us to where we are now, but it will not take us to where we need to go in order to survive.
Authentic Power is the future. It is the alignment of the personality with the soul. A MLC person is one who's personality and soul are the furthest from alignment. There personality and soul are in conflice with one another and are in an intense power struggle.
We too, the LBS are experiencing the same thing on a less distructive level. Our personalit and our soul are at odds with one another, and our MLC spouses soul and personality as well.
This sure makes for a very exciting time if you like your world turned upside down.
The change that is taking place within us and around us is all a natural part of transformation. It is very foreign to anything we have experienced in the past and we believe that this should not be happening. Especially to us. These changes also bring about fear within us.
Reality is, it's not happening to us, it's happening for us. Someday, in hopfeully the not to distant future. All of us will have the ability to see what is taking place as we develop our multisensory perceptions.
What I sense within me of what is taking place is not something that I can show you with a picture, I can not tell you in words so that you will understand, I can't say to you; hear touch this, feel it, so you will know it is real. I can't tell you to smell it with your sense of smell because it does not have a smell to what is occuring.
That which is occuring is non-physcial. There is no way to prove it's existence with the physical five senses that we have used throughout our lives to learn, experience and to understand. What we've seen, what we'eve heard, what we've smelled, what we've tasted and what we've touched is how we have come to understand all that is within our physical world.
All of us came from the non physical world. Our Creator. You can not see, hear, smell touch or taste our Creator. Yet HE/She exists.
I'm sorry that I have gotten so far off track in my attempt to shed some light on your situation from a different perspective.
Please remember this; wherever you are at, is exactly where you are suppose to be. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
Give yourself some credit Laughing. You are a good, loving, caring, compassionate and DESERVING person. God loves you. Your children love you. Your many, many friends on this Board love you. The many people in your community love you and wish you only the best that life has to offer. I, too love you, and hope and pray that you can search for that happiness that lies within you. But first, you have to heal all the pain that is burying your love for life.
The only real way to heal is through EMOTIONAL AWARENESS. Emotional wareness is becoming aware of everything that you are feeling at every moment.
My emotions run rampant all over the place. It is the biggest chalenge I've ever face trying to become aware of my emotions and where they come from and where I feel them in my body.
Enegy passes through our body. Our emotional energies show themselves in parts of our bodies through pain and discomfort. The emotional and physical are connected.
Yesterday, I was reading Rollercoasterriders new thread. I cried externally and inside I felt sick to my stomach. My feelings of sadness and regret brought about physical expressions and discomfort inside.
John Grey, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Wrote a book titled, If you Can Feel it You Can Heal it a number of years ago. I've read parts of it many times as I have attempted to heal my pain.
A MLC spouse is feeling great pain. They don't attempt to heal it, but run from it. They believe the pain comes from the LBS. As soon as they get far enough away from their spouse, they will begin to feel much better.
This is not true. Your XH is still in great pain. How do I know? It shows up in every time he tries to take back control from you. His power struggle is about his emotionbal pain inside. He believes that as soon as he gets control of his children and his XW, he will be happy and all his pain will go away.
If I remember right, I said the same thing about you earlier in my post. Is it possible you both are fighting for the same things; respect. appreciation, validation, empathy, peace, harmony and love?
I'd like to share a quote from the book "Life Lessons."
"Untreated fear turns into anger. When we're not in touch with our fears - or when we don't even know we're afraid -- that fear grows into anger. If we don't deal with the anger, it will turn into rage."
