MMMM, Hot tub, what I do right now for a hot tub! I hope you, your wife and her friend were able to relax and have a memorable time.

As for what you have given me, yes, I do agree, as there is value in what you say. My anger comes from this constant ebb and flow of control, this power struggle that I do have in my life. I've come to despise what the xh has been doing, although on an emotional plane, I understand a lot of it, and why he is doing the things he is doing. My anger comes from the pain I see in my children. The pain he is causing them, from the pain I cause them, by not being able to distance ourselves legally from his control. My anger comes from a need to protect them from his abuse, from this insanity, and my frustrations with my inability to set and keep proper boundaries for the children.

I see xh using the court system to continue his control around us, and dragging us into his crazy world. It's not only me, but my family. His constant lies and accusations fill our case, as if I've been the one who has done all of this damage. My frustration is that xh's attorney, although a woman, will not acknowledge the craziness she sees, the strange inconsistancies, the emotional pain inflicted upon my children, but constantly goes for the win. The win at all costs, regardless of what the truth is. I know she can't be so naive to believe every lie xh has told her.

My frustration has been from not being able to choose an attorney, organization, or people who are able to help me bring out the truth, the truth that could enlighten the court, so that the court can do a better job at protecting the rights of my children. My children now, are holding on to mere threads of hope, hurt deeper than they, themselves can acknowledge. I am angry with myself for not making better choices in my life, so that I could have saved them from the place we are in now. I should have, could have done better. I have been feeling powerless, yet with my anger and upset, I continue to try to regain the enough control in our own lives to bring back the peace I know we have shared.

I don't want to control xh, for I am powerless to do so. I would like for him to continue his life, in the direction he has chosen for himself, and leave us behind to continue our own. The life he has now, no longer matches the lifestyle the children and I had or have today. He is now, a totally different person, with different morals, standards, ideals, energy, which no longer harmonizes with our own. I wish him, his own peace, happiness, love, and future, which he has clearly defined the world much differently than what the children and I have tried to establish. He has no respect for who we are as a family, as he tries to instill his own set of values into our lives as he wants the children to approve of what he has done and who he is now, unconditional acceptance, for to do so, would change who they are, in order to fit his own image or the reflection he wants to see.

The power or control I am trying to maintain, is for us to be able to choose a set of guidelines that we all can live by, and not have xh change them a few months later. These guidelines are the boundaries I am trying to keep, the ones he once promised to the children, and myself, so that we can feel safe in our own home, knowing we won't have something else ripped from out lives. All we've wanted, has been a home, a place we can come home to, and be ourselves, to celebrate the joy and happiness we find within ourselves as a family.

I am tired of the drama, the hostile energy surrounding xh and his own life, the life he has chosen. It constantly overflows into our lives, as he brings it with him each time he approaches. If he would stop trying to intergrate his present life with our past life, for the two lives are at polar opposites of the spectrum. I brings so much confusion into our life, and truly upsets the children.

I know, I don't have a choice, but have to live with what is. I just wish I could protect the children from all of this adversity.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........