Did you ask Jody about the trip???....I really really really think it would be a bad idea for you to go...a great time to show a 180 and some strength to him....I decided not to go, give your parents my best, if you don't go please let them know as I am pretty busy with ________ and might forget to call and let them know...
Sounds like you are doing much better...I think for you sleep is something you need to focus on...not sure what the sleep meds are that you are taking...some can have rebound effects after stopping...so be careful....I used valium or a muscle relaxer and would make sure I got in bed at a good hour...did some light reading or funny tv watching...then off to sleep...I did 6 months of about 4 hours sleep a night...then finally it hit me like a brick wall...I needed good sleep and a lot of it....
The "honey" comment...my H made those...good not to call attention to it...and your right...his heart doesn't hate you....and he doesn't hate YOU...he is just waiting for the REAL YOU to come back....he is doing it in a very screwy way with OW...but then MLC is screwy...big time...
Take care and get some good sleep....keep up the bug watching...he can be fun...I used to lay on the walk and watch ants, lol...people probably thought I was nuts...but the warm cement was comforting and the ants were entertaining...I would even put a crumb for them...or a drop of water...just to watch what they would do...ok, don't think I am nuts...I did this to KEEP MY SANITY!!!
Hello, I had another post but thought I would get in on this one. I definately can identify with the desperation. I think having a good support system is very important. Good friends, family and most important God. My son is 8 and is having problems because of all of this. My daughter is 11 and we have become very good friends through all of it . My husband first left first of Jan came back for 4 days Jan 31 went back to OW to live with her on Feb 5th. It truly is an addiction and it was just recently I backed off. The first week I backed off didnt go very well because I was still a negative person. The next week which was this past week of March 5th, I started being friendly and holding my tongue. There were times I would have normally spat something about OW and I didnt. I did notice a few small baby steps. The thing I have noticed about my husband and this is because our cells are in my name, is I am finding it odd that he has to call her when he gets here or is on his way and call when he leaves here. He has to check in with her like a little kid. From what I can tell his OW is a bit controlling and I am assuming it is because of her own insecurities. She has two divorces already under her belt and three kids that do not live with her. She only sees them briefly. Everyone has told me that it will die a natural death. I have been told that anyway, Everyone has told him that it wont work so he is just trying like hell to prove us all wrong. That is why I dont bring her up anymore. I found out that I can only change me. I am going to church every week, I am taking a class offered here that is free based on Joyce Meyers Battlefield of the Minds( I highly reccomend this book), I am getting on with life. Since I have stepped out of the roll of wife and into friendly acquaintance , I have found myself feeling better. I try not to talk on the phone when he is at her apartment with her because that is when he is short with me. He works nights so when he goes to work often he calls. Last night he called at 9 40pm(after his squad meeting he is a cop and his OW is a dispatcher) I let it ring and go to voice mail. I figured if he wanted to talk to me he would call back which he did call back about 30 mins later. He told me goodnight"honey" also but once I checked phone of course there was a call to OW. Just some background on OW she had a hysterectomy Feb 26th and is off work for 6 weeks. She is real good at emotional blackmail and manipulating him. Of course he is leting her but she has been around the block and knows more how to get to him. I have her number, hoping he wakes up one day real soon before our kids are further traumatized and gets her number too.
slmom...sorry to hear of your situation... I can relate to checking the cell phone bill...you know what I finally did to relieve me...I had him put it in his name...that way I couldn't... You really don't know why he is calling her...could be so she doesn't know he is at your place...or to reassure her he is being faithful to her...you just don't know for sure so why torture yourself...I did that and in the end it just made me more upset...
I have good news....H and I are back together...it took nearly 2 years....but I did it...hard work..
Congratulations on your restoration. That is what I am praying for and believing in God for. It is so hard knowing he is going to her and is there with her. I do know he misses me and he still loves me. I stopped saying it to him though when I backed off. I stopped begging and pleading. It is so hard to let him call me when all I want to do is call say hi remember me I love you. I dont understand how he walked out on his kids for her. She really is nothing and he chose her. I could never do that to my kids. I have been told to be positive and happy. Let the nagging come from her and the pressure come from her. That the more she pressures him for things and all she will push him right back to me.
Again, thank you so very much for your support and encouragement. I am feeling a bit better today but am still having my "moments." One minute this literal wave of despair takes over my whole body - my heart races and I feel horrible. The next minute I get back some confidence and keep telling myself just to hold on, that this is worth the fight...
I haven't see H any more today and know I won't know - it's too late in the day now. So I guess that's good, but I know you know that I feel horrible not seeing him, especially when I assume he's with OW. It makes me feel so bad, because from what I remember (it's been so long now that it's hard to even remember how things used to be), but we would almost always work pretty late, even on the weekend nights, and we'd just see each other at home late in the evening. Now that he's with OW, it seems that he miraculously has found time to get away from the job site to spend evenings at a reasonable hour with her. I guess that just goes to show you how much happier she makes him right now and that I really have my work cut out for me. The good thing is that I know that if - I mean WHEN I win him back that he CAN break away from our job to spend more time with me. I will definitely remember that...
Yes, the phone calls are so hard. It seems like every time he calls I jump through hoops just to make sure I can answer his calls. I will work on that and let it got to voicemail more and will work on not calling him as much - period. Yes, it is very, very hard.
Parents' house - the difficulty with this is that his parents have been waiting for 2 years now for us to visit them in their "new" second home. We have not been yet, and they were so absolutely excited to hear that we were going to make the trip to see them. Although I know they will understand, it will totally and completely break their hearts if we/he/me don't go. His family has been so very patient with us the last several years with all of the long hours we have been working and the lack of "family time" we've put in. His family is really, really close. I do not want to be the one to break their hearts because "another work thing" has come up once again that is taking us away from seeing them. I hope that explanation helps to shed some light on a bit of why I'm having a hard time with this one...
I did not get a chance to talk to Jody about his, unfortunately. It was on my list, but we just ran out of time...
So my plan at this point is to give it a few days into next week and see if he has brought it up. If not, I'll decide the best way to approach him about it. If he says he/we/me aren't going, then I'm going to ask HIM to call his parents and let them know. Let him be the one to deal with it - it's his bed he's made. I'm not trying to be mean to him, but the more I deal with the fallout that his betrayal is causing, the eaiser it is for him to keep doing it, right?
I am still planning on going to Vegas. That feels so far into the future right now, even though it's not. I'm actually looking forward to it very much.
Again, thank you for your support. Hopefully the "waves" of despair will lessen as time goes on... and as I work on finding ME again.
Thanks for posting again. You are so kind to be so supportive and attentive to me. Thank you so much. And congratulations again on putting your marriage back together and the ILU! You are such an inspiration to me. It's just so hard of even thinking about going through this for two years... How in the world would we keep this from our family and friends for that long? Don't you think at some point if he's still with her he would want to bring her instead of me to family functions? Never mind - I don't even want to go there...
Sleep, yes. That would be a good thing. I'm definitely doing better now that I have the meds than I was doing before, but I still usually wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, even when I take more meds. I will talk more with the doctor about this.
Yes, the "honey" comment. That I think is the first time it has "slipped" since we've been back home from our trip, so I guess I'll take that as a baby step (I'll take whatever I can get right now to keep me motivated and on-task...). It makes my heart melt - and to think that before it was just taken for granted. Shame on me.
And, yes, finding the REAL me. I'm not sure who that is anymore. I have become so dependent on him that I've lost me. I realize that now. I'm scared and lonely, and this is probably part of the reason why I am being dealt this challenge - maybe this is part of what I am supposed to learn...
Thanks for the laughs about the ants... I'm not sure that we're twins in that regard... LOL Just kidding. I'll be right there with you, sister, lying on the ground and watching ants. Whatever it takes, right? I'm in!
Thank you for posting. The good support system I have right now is this board. I have not told a single family member, friend, colleague, acquaintance what is going on. It's so hard because everyone knows us as a couple, so when I do see/talk to people, they always ask about us/him, and it absolutely kills me. But that's the way it must be for now. Jody told me this, too, and told me how strong I was for being able to keep this inside...
Regarding the cell phone, our cell phones are in my name also. I don't know how I've managed to do this, but I PURPOSELY just take the cell phone bill each month, don't look at it (except to make sure the amount due seems reasonable), staple it together, and FILE IT AWAY! How I've done this, I don't know, especially with my "detective" side of me. I guess I know he's talking to her/texting with her, and I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE EVIDENCE OF IT. It just kills me. Every time I've snooped in any fashion on him, it just ends up hurting, and I burn this image of whatever I've discovered in my head so that it will probably NEVER GO AWAY! I can't take it back once I've done it. So, since I already know it's probably happening, I've just resigned to let it be and not put any more bad images in my mind to have to deal with. And I know really nothing about the OW. Even though I know her name, I've NEVER said it to him, and he has never said it to me. We just talk about "her" or "the other person." I don't WANT to know anything about her or them or what they do. I've asked a few questions about it in the past (mostly about whether they were having sex, just so that I knew), but that's been it. I just don't want to know. It hurts me too much, and I know it will be so hard to ever forget, if I ever can at all.
It's great that you were able to "avoid" his call last night. H hardly ever calls (if ever) just to talk to me. Since we're in business together, his contact with me always has to do with business. Not that we don't ever talk about personal issues, but that's never the reason for the calls/contact.
Jody also mentioned that she had to quit being in business with her H. She said it took too much of a toll on their marriage. That was interesting to hear. We are great business partners, but we talked about that we really need to separate the business from our personal lives and make sure we are being passionate about both and not let them "blend" so much. That was great advice.
Well, I hope your situation keeps improving, slmom. Hang in there, okay? YOU CAN DO THIS!
I'm sorry I haven't caught up with you for a while. I've just spent an hour reading through your posts since you started posting again in Pieceing and subsequently Infidelity and I have to say you are a very lucky girl to have InLim and 1210 etc on your side. You are getting the very best advice.
You know, I'm the same age as you and I started posting on the Infidelity board 2 years ago. I was you. It almost breaks my heart to read your posts because I remember how raw and bitter that pain is that you are going through now and I remember desperately needing/clinging/absobing any hope that I could through the kind assurances of others posting here.
Like you I was professionally at the top of my field. I had rarely failed at anything, I got everything I wanted, my life was perfect - then my world fell apart - because my husband chose to be with someone else.
There were lots of reasons, some that I blamed on myself, some that were about him, as we had thrived professionally, we grew apart emotionally and I guess physically. I knew it wasn't perfect, but it was good enough. I thought.
Two years, lots of medicine, loads of counselling, some wonderful support from family and friends and I am a different woman today. I'm a grown up who takes responsibility for her own happiness, who takes pleasure in her own company, who has a set of interests outside of work and a range of friendships independent from career and family. I don't need anyone to tell me if I'm making the right decision any more and I don't need anyones reassurance when I do decide something.
The pain that you are experiencing now is necessary for your growth. Scream at it, hate it, hide from it as much as you like, but live through it. It isn't going to kill you. It's unpleasant as hell, but it is making you into a woman who will never have to go through something this painful ever, ever again.
As you already know, there are no quick fixes for this. You H has to go through his crisis and you have to go through it too. There is no going back now -
Tam, it doesn't matter what happens with the business this week or this month or even probably for the next 6 or 12 months - this is a long journey of personal growth and change - and the universe never sends us anything we can't handle. Remember that.
I'll respond to your more specific posts over the next days and weeks, but I just wanted to say, in general terms, that as brutal as this feels right now you are going to be OK.
You have a lot of hope for your marriage. I suspect ultimately it will be up to you to chose if you want it or not. You might surprise yoruself and not want it when he gets through whatever it is he's going through. Keep your options open and be open to the lessons you are learning.
You are going to be fine.
I'm so pleased that you have experienced DBers giving you firm and kind advice. Trust that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be ...
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Sigh....I am begging you now, Tam....don't don't don't talk to H about that visit to his parents....leave a note or VM or text...but don't talk to him...and don't ask if you are going together....that would be extremely detrimental right now...you HAVE TO LET HIM GO...using this visit will be an excuse to be with him and "play" wife...it WILL make him uncomfortable, YOU WILL over compensate as you did before and make things WORSE!!!
I would HIGHLY encourage you make another DB call and discuss this at length with Jody because you keep hanging on to this one..."his parents would be hurt, I don't want be the one to disappoint them, I don't want to be the one to break their hearts"...you MUST LET THIS GO....H is GONE TO YOU right now...you can't pretend....imagine the fiasco this would cause if you were in their home and had a "moment of dispair"?...Is that what you want them to remember of you...because that would probably be the straw that broke the camels back for your H...to embarass/humiliate him in front of his parents...Well you need to seriously seriously think about that....
The more time you spend APART right now the better for you both...don't assume he is spending all his time with her...and for goodness sakes when you do get back together if he doesn't quit work early to spend with you don't you DARE bring it up that he did for her...I will hunt you down and smack you silly...you have to let it ALL GO...or this WILL NOT WORK!!!!
I can't stress this enough to you....you are almost insistant on driving him away with excuses to be with him....his parents will get over it....that is NOT your problem...if he chooses to go ahead and go he might find the right time to talk to them....or if SHE calls they might figure things out...either way you MUST leave him ALONE...and don't EVEN call while he is there....I feel like you need to be put in DB'ing jail until this sinks into your brain....because your heart is being treacherous with you right now...it is being desperate and you are allowing it to lead the way!!!!
Hey, Virginia! It's so great to hear from you again. How kind and thoughtful of you to take so much time reading my (lengthy) posts to get caught up... Thank you for caring.
Yes, I know I will get through this. It's just gut-wrenching while you're going through it. It's been 4 months now since this horrible experience began, and I guess I'm just so desperately tired of all of the pain. I just would LOVE to wake up one morning and not have a heavy heart and a mind full of baggage and feel so much painful despair and helplessness. I've never had to go through anything this painful for such a long period of time. I just want to be happy again, and I know that that is up to ME to make myself that way. I just wish I could do so with H's support, but hopefully, in time, I will have his support again and I will have become a much better and stronger woman myself in the meantime.
I guess I hadn't realized just how dependent and independent I had become. I realized that I hardly ever see my friends anymore or seek out new friends. I am one who has always enjoyed my "alone" time and often would just as soon curl up with a good book or TV show by myself than to go out in a social environment. It's my way of revitalizing myself. I've been that way for as long as I can remember.
But... I've still had H by my side for so long now, and now that he's not available for me right now, I'm feeling a strong sense of being so lonely. I guess I got to the point where he was all I really wanted/needed on at least a semi-daily basis in my social world, and I was okay and perfectly happy with that. Now, he's not there for me currently, and I feel ripped in two.
Like you, I knew we were both working so very hard (in fact, he's told me that for the past 2 or so years he's been very unhappy, which is right around when we started doing our business together), and I knew we were drifting apart a bit both on a personal level and even more so on a physical level. But, I still thought all-in-all that we were "okay" and that things would get much better for us when our hectic work schedules slowed down. I was so looking forward to that time. I had absolutely no idea that he was this unhappy, and I feel horrible about it. I know he told me about his physical frustrations with me, but I just never understood the magnitude of how much it was bothering him... Regardless, though I take the blame for not being more open to his needs, he still has to take the blame for making a horrible decision to drift outside of our marriage while we are still married and to continue to do so now. And he at this point doesn't seem to want to take his share of the responsibility. He seems to feel justified, and that hurts so much...
I know that this journey is being dealt to me for a reason and that I still have so far to travel. Somehow over the years, I truly have lost myself. I pray that he is just longing for me to find that person again and that that is when he will start wanting me again. And, at that point, I'll be strong enough to be able to get through my own pain over this whole ordeal.
I know I lack self-confidence and self-respect right now horribly. I was reading that book again last night (dang it, I keep forgetting the name of it) the Tough Love book by the Christian author. Anyway, that is really, really good at discussing the reasons you can't chase, plead, beg, cry, etc., and at giving advice on what to do instead. I'm going to keep reading parts of it, as I do with Divorce Remedy, to keep my eye on the prize and to give me strength.
So, I called some bowling alleys this morning to get information on women's leagues. I also called some friends that I have not talked to for probably 2 years and scheduled a dinner with them this Tuesday night. I called another two friends and left messages for them asking to schedule a get-together. Then, I also called a really good friend of mine and left a message for her asking what she thought about getting a group of girlfriends together and getting together once a week at different houses or going out or something. I got this idea from our massage therapist, who has a group of I think 8 or 9 girlfriends that get together every Tuesday night at one of their houses and just hang out, watch movies, etc. I thought that would be a great idea, both for me now and also to continue into the future when H does come back home.
I know I am still very much in need of reassurances from you all, just as I keep seeking from H. It's just so hard to hold on without them - at least for me. I just want my life back - but not the old, dysfunctional life, but rather a much better one in which both of us are more healthy, both individually and as a couple. I just pray that it is not too late...
H called and left a message for me earlier today (it went to voicemail, as I was out of the room, so probably a good thing). He left a joking message about one of our tenants that had stopped by to see him today, and he told me to call him. Well, I haven't called him back! I wasn't not calling him back to be mean or to support this new independent, confident attitude that I need to work on, but rather because when I went over to the job site, his car wasn't there, so I was afraid he was with OW and didn't want to call. So that's probably a good thing. I won't call him today unless he phones me. I just pray that if I keep some distance he will somehow start to miss me... It just feels like he doesn't feel anything for me anymore, but then I think about the little baby steps - the "honeys" that he's called me and how he held my hand while we were on our trip, etc. I hope there is still a spark, even if it's ever so small, that I can somehow fan into a small flame again to get us back on track. But it is the confident, take it or leave it girl that has to bring that out of him, not the one I've been being. I know that...
Hopefully this week will be better and I will make some progress. Wish me luck, and thank you so much for your support.
