My H wanted to me to agree to just end it too. The best I could do was push him into an apt and now he is starting to finally see the OW in a negative light. How long this new stage is going to last I am not sure but he did say last Thursday he no longer wants to file for D ----and he has been talking about D since Aug. He really wanted us to have a 'nice' D (not sure if there is such a thing) but yet he did not just want to do it on his own. I think he has doubted how 'bad' we really were all along it's the pressure of the Ow - since she filed IMMEDIATELY in Aug!!! She is now free and clear and is trying to get a committment out of H by having him file....house of cards is crumbling....
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Thanks HB. I think it's pretty typical stuff. Well, basic facts are: I don't want a divorce. We didn't come to the decision to end our relationship together. We never can come to this decision together as long as it's infidelity that is driving her desire to end the marriage.
In my sitch, the OP has backed off, so there's really no external pressure. W is putting a lot of pressure on herself. She says she knows that happiness comes from within, but she can never be happy with me. Why can't I just accept this? Why can't I realize it?
We had a conversation a couple nights ago where we talked about quite a bit. I listened mostly. She told me how I was thinking, what I was doing etc, and I saw it ALL as projection and called her on it. Not sure if this was a smooth move, but it was the truth. She's so wrapped up in this desire to end things that she's making herself miserable in order to be rescued from the feelings by someone. The way she's done her whole life.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, my W does much the same as yours (surprise!), she blows up our differences (and why we can't work) and ignores/downplays the similarities. I've tried to play up similarities and open my self up to new experiences but, aside from personal accomplishment (which is of immense importance) there is no acknowledgement or change in my sitch. I'm glad to hear OM is not a factor any longer in your sitch. I have no suggestions but I do admire your fortitude and patience, mines slipping away fast!
One of the things that came up was perspective. I mentioned something about how having a different perspective makes all the difference in the world when going into a situation that you're not looking forward to. I made a comment about how I choose to go into a situation with a committment to looking for positives rather than confirmations of the negatives that I'm expecting or planning for. I told her that it really changes my experience. This didn't make much sense to her. Oh well.
She said the only changes she has seen in me are for the negative. Perspective at work.
OM was never a factor. The fantasy was and still is. I believe this continues to drive her, give her reason to want to walk. Why would she continue to test me, to look at me. I told her at one point that she knows how I feel about her to which she responded that she doesn't, she knows what I pretend to feel for her. She said that IF I loved her, she would feel it.
I told her I couldn't MAKE her feel anything, it's impossible to romance someone that's not cooperating in it. She totally disagreed with this. She doesn't see how her perspective is at odds with her feeling loved. She's so fixated on my failure to make her happy that she's oblivious to all that I do.
She commented that I do things so that I feel good about myself, it's not for her. Not out of love, but for self-gratification. She told me that reading books is not therapy, it's self-indulgence. She told me that I'm pretending to love her, pretending enough to fool myself, to make myself believe it. She told me that I'm so passive-aggressive and controlling that I make her pay for all her non-compliance. She told me she lives in a dictatorship.
I told her to come over here and give me a hug. She didn't. I said "some dictatorship" to which she responded that she was sure she would be paying for it in the future.
How do you change someone's mistaken opinion about you when it's functional to hold the beliefs that they do? Don't try, just be you. Getting locked in a struggle does nothing but reinforce these beleifs.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, here is the book title I promised: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond" by Patricia Evans. Presently I'm almost finished reading "Emotional Unavailability" which I believe you recommended. I liked the co-dependent chapter, it describes my W's present A to a tee! Sad thing is, she says that they both REALIZE that they are co-dependent. It's one thing to carry on in a R when you don't realize it is unhealthy but when you know it is but do it anyway and risk destroying your family...Wow! Anyway, just thought I'd give you the book name tonight. Take care.
