H has been gone for 2 months, after going dark for a short period he is working his way home. He called yesterday from work"I'm thinking about taking a half day will you be home" He came and spent the better part of 8 hours with us.(We have two boys)We ate, MIL, made dinner together.No R talk. Here's the dilemma, how can I be supportive and lend an ear when I have to hear about the time spent at friends houses, the parties he's been too,the drug and alcohol references."It's a party house,it has kept my mind off of things! This is a married guy acting single...Then he has the odacity to ask me for money until he gets paid tomorrow!! I have been struggling with the bills since he left, he gives barely nothing a week ($75.00)Now he says "I'll be home after vacation, we have a preplanned cruise in a few weeks, he's going on that too! Yes, this is piecing, but I am getting angry and resentful...He has even said "I can't get into the finances right away when I come home,it will take awhile! Everything is fine with him if things are paid for,he's along for the ride, but this is out of order.It sounds like he is having a ball, doing what he wants, why would he want to come home.And coming on vacation,Typical,his life is a vacation...I was going to give him until the middle of March and then attach his wages for support.Now he is coming back....I am angry.He is coming back tonight to bring the money he took (Oh yeah to buy beer and lottery tickets!) What's wrong with me!! I feel better than I did 6 weeks ago, losing 20 lbs. Now the anger, how can I piece when I feel this way?????
I don't think you are piecing at all I think you are being a doormat and not dealing with the issues of why he left in the first place.Is he having a mid life crisis? what is the reason he is coming home?
I feel like a doormat. No he is not having a midlife crisis, he has done this numerous times. This isn't the first time he has left. He is only 33 years old.He has talked about all the reasons he has left, the house disorganized, not clean enough,not enough meals yadda, yadda, yadda.Every time things are not to his liking he splits...Says he loves me, always has, just can't live this way? Just says he'll be home after vacation. No reason why he decides now, he wants to come home.His reasons for leaving are always the same, money,house being disorganized, now it's that he wants to spend time with certain friends etc.. Immaturity or what? I have worked on the isuues he has presented, but he will find something else...I presume I may be in the wrong board, maybe back to seperated?
you need some serious help and you need to look at yourself now and ask yourself why you put up with this shit. are you afraid of being alone? are there kids involved? what is the reason you let this man walk allover you.
Fears of being alone, yes, are an issue.Yes, I have two boys 13 and 3. I'm alone but managing...I am very busy with the children.They are a blessing. Putting up with this shit and allowing him to walk all over me is making me angry.I was trying to DB but I guess without boundaries and limitations on him and his behaviour, it will only get so far. Your response was harsh, happy again, but you are right, in need of help. That is precisely why I came here, for guidance and advise for my situation
From reading what you described it sounds to me like your H is in MLC mode right now. I would also have to say this is not piecing, and in order to truly start piecing it takes both S's to want to try to work on the M. We understand your anger in having your H run around free like he's doing. It is not right, and the finances need to be addressed for the sake of your kids. He cannot treat you like a doormat, but if you want to save your M, you need a good strategy - and you need to start by detaching first and foremost. Your H basically needs to grow up, and it seems he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I would recommend that you copy and paste your posts over in the MLC thread since this is what seems to be going on with your H. You will find more "power DB'ers" to help you out as well.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Agree with the advice you've already been given. What you described isn't piecing so much as a mooch that has probably overstayed his welcome elsewhere and feels like bouncing back into your life long enough to sponge off you for awhile. That's the harsh assessment of the situation. But really, he isn't remorseful about this. He feels he has an open door to return whenever and however he pleases.
I would make your feelings known rather than be resentful. Let him know it isn't that easy. If you aren't ready for him, tell him you don't want him back now, and possibly never if he can't see how to act like a responsible husband and father. He should be winning you back...not just being taken back. Your resentment is your self-esteem telling you that it's taking serious damage by letting him come back so easily.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
What you're describing is a tough situation. I've sort of been there so I can understand it a little. To me it sounds like he's acting very immature wanting to be a single guy. If he's having so much fun and enjoying it so much why does he want to come home? That's a question I'd be asking....
For years my husband did the same thing and would return home with "conditions." I know you want to DB and have your family together, but is he really ready to come back? Is he ready to fully commit to working on the marriage and having a family?
Regardless of what your husband does you MUST detach and focus more on you. I know that's hard. You are probably used to doing for others, particularly if you've been focusing on an autistic child (I have one of those too! Kids with special needs add substantially to the difficulty of keeping a marriage together... hugely!!!!). But do try to do more for yourself and strive for balance. And just for your own sanity, try to work towards being more organized, get rid of clutter, start doing fun things with the kids, find some quality babysitting and go out with girlfriends, have H watch the kids so YOU can go out!!!! If you improve your life, and your family life, it will be your husband feeling left out and angry about all the fun you and the kids are having together.
By the way, if you haven't tried this yet, Low Dose Naltrexone has been really helpful for my son. You can google it to learn more.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
From a M POV I'll tell you that his bitching stems from his own inadequacies and insecurities. I did the same thing for a long time. I bitched that my w was lazy, she didn't clean, she was selfish and didn't care about the family. It took a year of the most awful arguments and revengeful acts on both our parts for me to realize, "hey I have a big part to play with this."
I worked 13 hours a day and I would resent my wife because she'd be at home doing nothing. Really, it was my own feelings of not being happy with my job and holding everything in. The truth is that my wife had it worse because she was lonley and sad and had no one to talk to. In fact my pussy ass ran at the mouth to anyone that would care about her in order for them to feel sorry for me.
What my wife did for us and helping me bring my feelings to the surface has made me respect her more than anyone I know. My feelings have been held back for so long and it feels so much better to start letting them out. Once they're let out they don't feeling so daunting. I hope this helps because hearing what your H says hit a nerve and further helps me realize just how far along I've come along.
