Thanks for finding the courage to listen to what I have to say. My observation and what I am sensing comes from my intuitive nature. There may be some truth to it, and there may be some of it that does not hold true for you.
for me, there has been many times in the past when I was not aware of what was present to others. I could not see or feel consciously what others could see with great clarity. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe I didn't want to hear the truth. Maybe I just wasn't consciously awake to realize that there was emotions present that I could not feel or acknowledge.
You are in great emotional pain. The experiences you have been ging through continually bring that pain to the surface. This emotional pain existed before you met your XH. It actually existed since the begining of your life.
The emotions you have been feeling, are the same ones you have felt in the past. The experiences are different with different people involved, yet the emotions remain the same.
Anger is an emotion that is within all of us. I struggle to show or express anger. My wife has said to me repeatedly, "why don't you ever get angry?" I supress my anger. I bury it inside of me. I avoid conflict. I learned to believe that anger was a bad thing. I learned that being angry at someone will make them not like or love you.
My mother would say; "I'm mad at you" and then proceed to withdraw or withold her love for me. Her love was conditional. I fear anger as I don't want people to not love me. My belief has been that people can't be upset, mad or angry with me and still love me at the same time. To me, it was one of the other.
You've said that you have resideual anger. Where does this anger come from? I'm beginning to understand that anger is not a bad thing, it's simply a human emotion.
Being anger is a natural part of being human. What we do with our anger is what can create more pain. Pain that we don't intentionally want to experience.
My observation is that from your anger, you are doing certain things that are creating more of the pain that you wish to not experience. You are not conscious of what you are doing.
My observation is telling me that you are trying to use "external power" to get what you want. External power is about manipulation and control. Again, you can be doing things, just like me, and not be fully consciously aware of what you are doing. I do it all the time.
I repeat past behaviors and am not aware of that it is creating experiences that I really don't want to experience. Yet I continue to do that which causes me more pain.
I know, this sounds really insane. But there are times where I feel like I must be insane. Why? Because I keep doing what I have always done and am expecting different results. When Einstein created his defintion of insanity, I think he was looking at a photo of me.
How do I believe I know you? Because I can see myself in you. What I see in others and understand intimately is becuase I am looking in the mirror. You are reflecting back to me the person that I am.
As they say, when you point your finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. How true that is.
I thought I would share some of what I am sensing and not leave you hanging before going to bed. I will continue to talk with you if you desire, as you know I have special feelings towards you. You are a very special peron, and I care about your healing.
My wife and her girlfriend have gone to the hot tub. I think I will join them.
