Thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing okay today. Thanks for the advice about getting out and doing some to get my mind off things. I may take up "bug-watching..." LOL
I went out last night and bought the book called ... hmmm ... forgot the name... Something about Tough Love by a Christian author... I had seen it recommended on this site. I then went out to dinner - all by myself! It was kind of sad but made me feel good at the same time. I had spoken with H last night and asked him if we were going to go out to dinner, and he said maybe yes, maybe no, that he would let me know. Of course, he never called...
I hardly got any sleep last night. I read my new book for a while and was able to fall asleep but awoke around 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep - took sleeping pills and everything. I think I was anxious about my appointment with Jody this morning... I ended up reading more of my book until almost 6 o'clock and then I think got another hour or so of sleep...
I decided to take a Xanax before I talked with Jody this morning so that I could try and remain calm for our conversation. I knew it was going to be the very first time that I had verbally talked to ANYONE about this situation and that it might be very emotional for me. Luckily, the Xanax helped me to keep my emotions in check.
Jody was very kind and gently and supportive. She reinforced what you all have been telling me - that I need to let go of H and focus my energy on ME instead of him. She, too, felt that he may have felt cornered the other day when he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. We talked about some goals to stop wasting my energy on him so that I could get stronger myself and to work on GALing and some things I would do to accomplish that.
In the book I was reading, it talks about using the same sort of techniques Michele advises as far as doing a 180 with your actions, not being predictable, not being needy, desperate, etc., and replaing that with mysterious, alluring behaviors to make your H take notice. Then it talks about ultimately giving H an ultimatum that you want to stay married very much and to be together but that it's time for H to decide - with W or OW. This scared me to death, as I don't think I can do that...
I talked with Jody about this, and she said that timing is everything, and that now is definitely not the right time for me to do anything like that. She used the analogy of a bank account, that if your account has a negative balance in it, you can't go to the bank and withdraw money from it. She said that every time I talk to H about R/OW, it's like I'm trying to take money out of an empty bank account and that what I need to concentrate on now is making "deposits" into that bank account by changing my behaviors.
It was a really nice conversation and was very helpful and just was nice to be able to actually talk with someone about this situation. I look forward to our next call.
H called this morning (ironically, while I was talking to Jody on the other line... ) So, I couldn't take the call, and he got voicemail! He left a message asking if we were going to do a business item together today and said that if I was free maybe we could go to lunch, which was nice. He said he'd catch up with me later.
I purposely didn't call him back since he said he's catch up with me later. He called around noon and asked if I was ready to do the business item. I said I was, and we did the business thing, and then I asked if we were going to lunch (I know, I should have let HIM bring it up...) He said he had gotten too hungry and had already eaten, so I just let it go...
Then, we were in the office at our job site, and he looked out the window and said "Honey, look!" and showed me something outside. I know it seems small and silly, but he called me "honey." I'm sure it was just out of habit, but his "slip" pulled at my heart. I, of course, didn't call any attention to it, and I don't even know if he noticed. At least he doesn't "hate" me so much that his heart still lets him "slip" every once in a while, right?
So I haven't seen him any more today. I'm going to work on just keeping my distance from him this week and work on getting much-needed work accomplished, as I know that will make me feel better.
Still haven't decided for sure what to do about the trip next week to H's parents' house. Will keep you posted on that.
I also asked Jody about individual counseling. She said that might be a good idea but to also just consider refocusing all of my energy on ME...
